Sunday, October 21, 2007

It's one of those days....

I should have just stayed in bed, I think.

It started with a big huge SMACK in the shower. Not the good kind. I hit my head but GOOD on the shelf in there. I actually have a swollen spot across the top of my head. Ow. About cursed a blue streak, too.

Church went okay. The lesson in the women's group today was about how men and women can honor the gospel and strengthen their marriages and their families. That's an okay topic, when they stay on it, because it's true. If both of you do what you should, make the right choices, nurture one another, then you will be on the right path to Happily Ever After. If you both do it....

The trouble comes when a young stay-at-home wife with a new little baby in her arms decides to speak about how families fall apart and children are harmed when a women loses her grip on her priorities and puts her career before her family. "I'm all for education and all that," she said. "But your children have to come first."

Is it really so cut and dry, sweetheart? Really?

This pisses me off.

My marriage did not fall apart because I had a career or education I cared more about. It did not fall apart because my priorities were wrong. It fell apart because no matter how much you do the right thing, you cannot make another person make the right decisions.

I am independent, with a career and education, because relying on my husband for strength and support did. not. work. In any way, shape, or form. I drew a line because my priorities were right. Someone had to be that strength and support for my kids, and it came down to me. I have to be both Mom and Dad to them because Dad is a big ol' effing flake.

So, yeah, sweetheart, it's nice when it all works out that way. But sometimes it doesn't. And it's not always because the woman didn't take care of her home and family first.

I look at New Fella's situation and mine. He's here trying to give his kids the support and strength they need. He's taking care of everyone around him. I'm doing the same thing. What I've been looking for is someone who can respects that, understands that, is capable of taking care of his own crap, but who is okay letting me help take care of him now and again, and who reciprocates each other that safe place in the middle of the storm.

I do not -- repeat, DO NOT -- want someone to simply take care of me. I cannot give up my autonomy again, and risk a repeat of the disaster that was my life with my ex. I am responsible for me and my kids, and that won't change.

I'm supposed to talk in church, sermon-style, next Sunday. The topic they gave me? Get this.

"Living Happily Ever After."

Yeah, I think I can do 15 minutes on that.


The HOR blogger said...

Hey :) Just checkin in with you :)

Ya know I was thinking about your last post and when you wrote -

"I'm still kicking myself for some big missed opportunities, but trying to relax and make them not so big."

I don't really have advice but I just wanted to say that it's got to be increasingly more difficult for you NOT to concentrate on stuff like that. You're wanting the next "Step" in the relationship and it's coming slow - something you're not used too - and it can't be easy. Plus I know when you REALLY like someone and you're new that (in the NEW phase Mmmmmmm) that it's krazy-town and you always want to have hands on one another1 L)

That hasn't come easy for you guys because of the kids being around - ok that sounded bad but I don't know how else to put it. MAN it's got to be hard to date with kids!

Anyways I guess I've rambled enough but I'm just tryin to say that it hasn't been easy street and you're in different waters and well I just think you're doing a really good job keeping it together and to remember to give yourself a pat on the back.

Blogget Jones said...

Thank you so much, Lindy-girl. I'm in mid-krazy-town today. No call from him last night or this morning. I know yesterday was his mom's birthday, but still.... The silence makes me insane with my own doubts.

I think I need to have at least a little baby step forward. Even if it's just to know if he's interested in seeing other people or if we're seeing just each other. Just something to have a better idea of where he thinks we're headed at the moment. I'm sick of second-guessing everything!

Bleah. I hate this part!