Saturday, August 11, 2018

The Non-Saturday

It's Saturday, and I'm at work. I should maybe point out that I work a regular Monday to Friday, 8-5 job, so being here is unusual. For most people. But not for me and this job. The workload they give us is one that's impossible to do (by the deadlines) if you just work the normal hours.  So, being here, in my office is not that unusual.

Sad, but not unusual.

It's particularly sad when the rest of my family is off doing the thing that I've been wanting to do.  It's hard to hear them say, "You know that thing you've been wanting to do, but we keep putting it off?  We're going to go do it without you."

So many things make me sad lately.

I used to think that God hates me, but now I've been shown that it's absolutely true.  "God loves all of his children," they like to say.  He does not.  He has favorites. And He has those that just get kicked around.  I'm among the kicked around ones.  Sometimes, people ask if I believe in God.  Yes, I do. I know He exists.  But I also know that the promises of His love do not include me.

I'm on my own.

For the longest time - my whole life -  I have wished for my great love story.  Part of me is trying to wrap my head around the idea that it will never exist for me.  The rest of me keeps looking and wondering.  And I wonder if it's something that I really want in the here and now?  Because I have this inkling of an idea that is getting stronger.

I only feel at home when I am in England. Yorkshire, specifically.  It could be a generational memory.  I've done the research, and the roots are there.  Ancestors born in Yorkshire.  Their DNA is in me and perhaps their love of it is what I feel, too.  I can't be sure of the why and the how, but the what is definitely there.

So, if I am going to make a plan to relocate my life, or even most of it, overseas, then do I need or want a love here, who might not want to go?  Or want me to go?

Ah, the ways I can complicate my life!

But I do miss that little thrill of hearing the phone ding, and seeing a special someone's name.  And I miss being kissed. Such a long time.,,,

Friday, June 22, 2018

I've missed you, dear Diary.

Two years? It's really been two years since I posted here?  So much has changed.

Why have I been absent? Because my life is in a constant state of insanity. Work is intense. Two years ago, I had no idea the kind of stress and pressure I'd walked into here.  Now, it's all stress and pressure.

Recently, I have seriously considered moving to England. No, really!  To be with BB, you ask, dear Diary?  No...not to be with BB. A few months ago, we decided to just be friends again. Yes, we still have love for one another, but we were each spending a lot of time feeling sad and lonely, being apart.  I told him that I'd rather he be happy than waiting around for us to be geographically together.

I missed my trip to see him in 2016, having surgery at the exact date and time that I was supposed to be stepping on a plane to Manchester.  I surprised him last year, but couldn't stay as long as usual.  I guess we weren't meant to be romantically together.

Other things that are new (I'll try to be brief).....

We lost my dad's brother and his wife to injuries sustained in a car accident, last year. That has been rough on the family, to lose both brothers so close together.

I've seen SO MANY historical sites and seriously cool things while living here.  I'll revisit some for you :)  This is a great area, and a good move for us.

Son has a Real Job.  Benefits and all!  I feel a little better about his future...if he'd only get a place of his own, now!  Time to launch, birdie.

A couple of months ago, a very difficult event happened.  Our home burned.

Ten days later.... Daughter got married!  Her husband is amazing. They are two sides of the same coin. I couldn't have chosen better for her.

And me? Things are not what I thought they'd be at almost-50.

Right now, my life is...I'm not sure what it is.  I have a lot of thoughts.  A lot of things to express in a space where my family isn't watching.  I have thoughts they wouldn't like.  And I have many topics to talk about.

I've missed you, dear Diary.  But now I'm back.

Friday, May 20, 2016

The People That You Meet

I'm finding all the good geeks. My people!  I need my people in this sea of strangers.

There's this guy we'll call Frank.  Why Frank?  Because he keeps introducing himself to me as Frank, knowing full well that I know his name is not Frank.

He works in the studio. Ther's a full studio/control room setup here for making videos (as you do in a studio).    My first day there went something like this:

Director: "Have you met Blogget?" (The answer is yes, several times.  But he says,,,,)

"Hi!  The name is Frank. And you're Susie, right?"

"Good memory," I say, shaking hands.

Director: "Everything you need is out here in the studio. Excet props. You have to bring any props you want."

Frank: "Except rubber chickens. We have the rubber chickens."

Me: "Of course you do!  What would a video be without rubber chickens?"

Frank: "Right?"

Director: "...ok... I'll be in the control room."

Frank: "That's where all the fun happens."

Me: "How so? They don't have the rubber chickens in there."

Frank stops. Gives me a raised brow. "I'm so glad you're on board with this!"

We have a lot in common, Frank and I. A love of Star Wars, Doctor Who, and Firefly. ("Hello. My name is Frank. And I have a model of the Serenity.")  We also have British significant others.  His wife is from Kent.  And BB is from Yorkshire.  We have a lot to talk about. ("How about that brown sauce?")

My geekdom has caught the notice of several technology people.  Woo hoo!

My mom said something when we were coming out here that has made me pause, though.  She said, "I have a feeling this move will be good for you.  I hope you meet the love of your life because I don't think you have yet.  And I want that for you."

It's true.  I've been in love a few times.  But I have not had The Love of My Life yet.  That makes me sad.  It's what I want now, more than almost anything, and I hve this dread that I will meet the end of my days before I meet that person.  Before I have that Big Love.

What about BB, you say?  He could be that person.  We just don't get to spend a lot of time around each other to find out if that's how our lives will entwine. But I long to find out.

Oh how I long.  This makes my heart exceptionally heavy.  It pains me.  I've never had a "This is the Love of my Life" moment.  Experiencing love is so important to me, and I've never had that.

It makes me a little angry, too.  I know people who have it and don't appreciate having it.  I've given my all, and I don't have the opportunity to explore it and find it for myself.

What have I done so wrong to be so forsaken?

As I've said, maybe BB is that person for me.  I need time with him, for us to know each other as best we can and discover what we are together. But that's not being given to me.  I wait. And wait.  And it's making me tired.

I feel the clock ticking.  I feel my mortality, and it is devoid of that enveloping, encompassing love that I long so much to share.

Oh, nah-fuck.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

It's pronounced Nah-Fuck

Really.  It is.  Quit giggling!

And here I am. Things have happened so quickly!  I'm at my new job now, wrapping up the fourth week.  Can you believe it?  We've moved into a house.  The truck arrived just over a week ago, and we've still living with oh so many boxes!  Can't find anything.

I made the Big Drive with my mom and my dogs.  That was an adventure!  Four days on the road with the pups!  They traveled well, thank God!

When I left Colorado, I got ris of a lot of stuff.  I mean, a LOT.  Had to make some bold decisions about what to take and what to leave.  I decided that I'm done with heels.  I'm not comfortable in them anymore. With my vision challenges, I'm not stable in them anymore.  Doughter won't be home again for another year, so she can't take them from me.  So...I called Jacob.  Who is now living full time as a transgender woman.  I will now use the proper pronoun for...her.  She came and got the shoes from me.  It was actually good to visit with her again.  I wish I'd had more time that day, and I was a terrible mess.  not so presentable with all the packing and cleaning, but that's the best I cojuld do at the time.  I'm sure I was a shock to see and left a poor impression, but I suppose it's too late for worrying about such things.

I had to fly out here and start work well before the truck was ready to arrive at home.  That meant spending a few days on my own.  I picked a hotel across from my office so that transportation wouldn't be a problem.  I found a new eye specialist here and got my monthly injection in the "good" eye, to keep it as good as it can be. When the first day of the new job came, I got up early and had my outfit all picked out.  I was nervous, but ready to face the day and start the process of proving myself all over again.

Then, that morning, I had a moment of pure brilliance. Is the sarcasm coming through?  I decided I needed to trim my toenails.  Great idea. Pure genius.

Because I'm not blind at all....

And I'm not diabetic with a touch of neuropathy in my toes....

I sat down on the bed with my super-sharp clippers.  I felt the edge of the nail and lined up the blade.

And nothing. It felt like I missed.  I tried again.

And my hand felt wet.  So I pulled it away to check.

Blood.  Lots of it.

I Nah-fucked it up good!

My neuropathy proved worse than I thought.  I felt nothing, but a chunk of my toe was missing.  I'd cut into it, deep.

On the first day of work.  Blood.  Everywhere.  I mean, I made a real mess.  It was a warzone.  Blood stains on the carpet.with each step I took.  On the bedding.  On the towels. Oh so many towels.

I tried applying pressure.  No good.  I washed it because hotel carpets can't be the most sanitary of surfaces.  The bleeding slowed an hour later, but didn't stop.

I called my mom.  I sent her a picture because I couldn't see it clearly.  "Yeah, you cut it deep," she said.

"You probably need stitches."

"But it's the first day of my job!"

"You sure can't walk on it."

Shit.  I'd have to call my new boss and have her pick me up.  I did, and made up some story about stepping on broken glass.  I bandaged the hell out of that toe.  The stitches would have to wait.

As I went by the front desk of the hotel, I stopped the clerk for a word.

"I want to give housekeeping a heads up," I said.  "When they see my room, they're in for a shock and a mess.  I'm so sorry.  I'm okay, and there are no bodies to find.  But I bloodied the place up pretty good, and I'm so sorry."

She appreciated the warning.

That night, a friend of my sister's took me to an ER near where our new house is.  The place was bare and spartan and what was there was bolted down. Crime much?  The PA who saw me decided no stitches, just skin glue.  He put that on, bandaged it up, and sent me on my way.  No antibiotics to keep infection away, or any some such. It was probably obvious that I didn't need pain meds.  I can't feel the wound, still.

When I changed the bandage the next day, the glue came off with it.  Great.

It's been healing nicely, though, over the last almost-four weeks.  It still bleeds a tiny bit, but no redness and infection.  I'm religious with the bandages.

I'll leave this for now.  I have more to tell, but that's another story!

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

The Winds of Change

It's been very windy here on the Western Slope of Colorado lately.  It seems appropriate.

After talking with my family, I decided to see what would possibly be available to me in Virginia.  A few feelers wouldn't hurt, and those things take forever to pan out (and often don't), anyhow.

I looked. And waited.  And looked some more. And waited.

The phone rang twice.

The first time, the people turned out to be so unprofessional that I wouldn't work with them, in any case.  Rude people are not who I want to spend all day, every day, working with. Life is too short for that.

The second time, though.  Now, that was golden.

And quick.  I was out there interviewing so fast that I didn't know what hit me.  I showed them what I can do.  I kicked ass.  They said they'd make a decision in a week or so.  "We hope you like us as much as we like you," they said.

By the time a week had passed, I'd already accepted the job and put in my notice at work (which has caused general panic and mayhem).

And they want me there soon.  Very soon.

So Blogget and her pups and her family are trucking it to Virginia.

This brings particular challenges.  Like, I can't drive.  We don't have a place to live yet.  I'll be there on my own for a couple of weeks, at least, before anyone else gets there.  How do I get the dogs there?  And Daughter's car?  When are the moving trucks coming and where are they going?  And where is the money coming from?


Can I fast forward until this part is all done?

I'm both frightened and excited about the new adventure.  I've never lived by the coast before.  I've not lived in a large city.  I haven't lived in the East!

Buckle up, dear Diary.  We're in for quite a ride for the next few weeks.


Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Sound of Silence

Sometimes, the quiet surface of the water hides a strong undertow, dear Diary.

I've been silent a long time.  Many things have happened, good and bad.  Change is on the wind today.  Time for an update, from this very bad blogger.

Daughter is enjoying her mission.  I spoke with her by FaceTime on Christmas Day, and that was glorious.  I hear from her in email each Monday, and those are glorious emails!  She is so happy!  I miss her terribly, but what a wondrous adventure she is having!

Son is still adrift.  My dad's death has knocked him for a loop.  I'm hoping change is on the horizon for him, too, and in a positive way.  He needs to find what makes his heart go pitter-patter and makes his blood warm.  I wish that so much for him.

For my part of things, my eyes are still a challenge.  I've had three surgeries since we last spoke, dear Diary.  That's five in all.  My left eye is currently filled with silicone oil, which is holding my retina in place.  It doesn't look good, dear Diary, as far as the prognosis goes.  The right eye is improving, but needs injections every four weeks to keep the swelling and damage at bay.  

I really try hard to not let this slow me down, as much as possible.  My boss says I'm her hero, for all my perseverance.  I don't know about that, but I just can't let this bring me to a standstill.  I just cannot!  Maybe I'm just stubborn.  I've gotten to know accessibility features and other help resources very well so that I can keep on keepin' on!  Traveling internationally was interesting, but American Airlines did a brilliant job of helping me get where I needed to go.  And the assistance folks at the airport in Manchester are unparalleled.  I love them!

So, I did go back to England in November.  It was cloudy and chilly and rainy - and beautiful to me!  Each town has a Christmas Market that pops up in the town square, with food and booths with all kinds of wares for perfect gift-giving.  I spent time in Bradford, Leeds, Nottingham, and Manchester. Of course, the Robin Hood lore was irresistible in Nottingham, and I fell in love with Nottingham lace.  And a lovely little cafe for rescue kitties who are up for adoption.  Coffee and kitties.  A fantastic concept!

BB took good care of getting me from place to place without a disaster.  We had the best time together, as usual!  I miss him so much when we're apart.  I had another guest appearance on his radio show, which was a blast and a half.  Talk about Star Wars?  Don't mind if I do!  AND I got to meet his family!  We spent an evening with his dad and aunt and uncle.  Then an afternoon with his grandmother and evening with his mother, stepdad, and sister.  Such fun!  They were all so sweet to me!  Lovely people.  I enjoyed them thoroughly. The only weird thing is that his mother is actually a year and a few months younger than me....  She knows this and has said it's okay with her, as long as her boy is happy.  And he is!  There's a sizable age difference between her and BB's dad, so they can't really argue the point, but there you have it.  It feels a little hinky when we hang out with her.  Perhaps that will get better?

His sister was full of all kinds of questions about the USA.  She's a teenager and brimming with curiosity.  By the end of the evening, they all wanted to come visit me here, so that's a good sign!  We're all friends on Facebook now.

I have to admit, we were all scared of Christmas this year.  How would it be without Dad?  And without Daughter?  So, we decided to go spend it with my sister's family in Virginia.  We were there about 10 days, enjoying each other's company and all the sights of the area.  So much history!  I spent a lot of time at the Smithsonian, and I'd happily spend more!  I love history and culture.  That area has all of that by the bucket loads.  I couldn't get enough.

It was good to have us all together, to be a family.  We talked about Dad, but kept the sadness at bay by rejoicing in our common memories.  Now, I know, I'm not particularly close to my sister, but I see where she wants that to change and get better.  I'm wary by nature, but perhaps we can get there a bit at a time.

Son was delightful while we were there.  He was happy and laughing and enjoying everyone and all the things to do.

So, we talked about it when we got home.  Should the family be together, all the time?  Mom is selling her house anyhow.  Should we make a move?

Of course, all of that depends on me having a job.  As I said, I don't let the eyes slow me down.  I have continued to work very successfully, even being (as the English called it) "partially sighted."  No one guesses the struggles I'm having, unless they happen to spot the quiet accommodations I make for my sight.

Is this something we could really do?  Totally leave the West behind for far away lands?  Leave the familiar and start over now?

Stay tuned, dear Diary.  For now, this entry has gotten long enough. I will go find food and be back to discuss the possibilities soon!

Thursday, September 10, 2015

The eyes have it

Okay, bad pun!  Amid everything else that's happening, the saga of my eyes keeps trucking right along.  So, here's the latest news.

To recap, I've had surgery on both of my eyes this year.  Due to diabetes, my eyes have hemorrhages that formed scar tissue and caused the retinas to detach.  They went in, cleaned out the blood and scar tissue, used lasers to reattach the retinas, and inserted a temporary gas bubble to hold it all in place. For each one I had to lay on my side for two weeks after to keep it all together.

The right eye is doing okay,  It still has some swelling, for which I have to get regular injections. In the eye. Not a great deal of fun, but you learn to tolerate it. I wear an eye patch after those and my sweet BB calls me Director Fury on those days.  I'll take that :-)  Anyhow, my glasses prescription will have changed when this is all said and done, so I don't see entirely clearly on that side, but it could be worse.

It could be a problem child like the left eye.

My left eye has regrown the scar tissue and detached the retina again.  From that eye, I've lost some peripheral vision and the world looks like a Salvador Dali painting.  Everything is distorted and fuzzy.  I will have to have surgery on that eye again, in December.  No gas bubble this time. Because that failed, now I'll have an oil bubble.  Still have to lay on the side, which completely sucks.

Why December, though?  I'm glad you asked, dear Diary! One side effect of this surgery is that the eye forms cataracts.  Which they have done.  Both.  So, I need to have cataract surgery before the "big" surgery. Now, that's supposedly not a big deal, and I'll be back blowing and going the next day.  We can do this.

I also have to work around two bits of travel.  I'm due in Charleston to lead a conference in October.  And I've decided to return to England in November.  Time to be disconnected from devices again and run around that lovely Yorkshire countryside with my dear BB.

One of the results of the eye wonkiness is messed up depth perception. I'm rather entertaining to my companions, usually.  I reach for things and miss.  I clip door frames.  I take steps up or down when no step exists.  Fortunately, I haven't tripped on anything yet, so I'm careful with that.  BB will have to be my seeing eye BB, so I don't have a disaster in the UK.

December will a year since I first saw the blood dripping in my eye.  What a year it's been.  I'm more than ready to have this over and done.  I hope it will be over and done, so I can see what my normal vision is going to be from now on. I just really need to see.

Don't take that for granted, folks.  Vision is golden.