Monday, April 20, 2015

It's about that time again...

...I'll be quiet for a few days.  My other eye surgery is happening this week, to remove the damaged tissue and blood from my left eye, as re-attach the retina.

I'm hoping for a quicker recovery this time because I have one "good" eye for this go-around.  I have a 50-50 chance that they'll need to insert a gas bubble this time.  The recovery is better if they don't, so I'm really hoping for that.  So is my boss.  I need to be back at work quickly on this one.

If they do have to do the gas bubble, it's two weeks of being restricted to laying on one side all the time.  That's maddening, I can tell you!  Not looking forward to that part, should it come to pass.

I'm very much looking for=ward to seeing clearly again.  The black cobwebs in my left eye are getting quite old.  They disrupt my field of vision and mess with my depth perception.  In the end, I'll need new glasses because my sight won't be exactly what it was. cobwebs.  I'll take that.

To help avoid the problem what caused the bleeding in the first place, I've now become Bionic Blogget.  I have an insulin pump that acts as an electronic pancreas, instead of my non-functioning real one.  I have a wireless sensor that takes my blood sugar every five minutes and transmits the numbers to the pump, alerting me if it's too high or too low.

It works...most of the time.  I've had some challenges figuring out how to best calibrate it and get everything playing nicely together.  I am nervous about one thing with it.  Will BB find it off-putting?  I mean, it's not the sexiest feature for a woman, is it?

I have some time before I have to test that idea, so I'll just worry about it for the next  long while.

As you do.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

With a heavy heart and fractured faith....

...I have to report that my dad is not doing well.  We received bad news this week.

While his chemo is keeping the tumor from growing, it's not reducing it.  The only way to remove it is surgery.  The surgical team met and determined that, to get the tumor out, they would need to remove his leg and his pelvis.  But the tumor would in all likelihood be back again.  Such a reduction in his quality of life, and it would do no good in the long run.

So, he's looking at indefinite chemotherapy.  Until it stops working.  That could be months or it could be years.  There's no predicting.

I've prayed so hard.  My whole family has.  My community has.  So many, many people, with so many, many prayers.  And this is the answer.  He's been the most faithful servant of the Lord.  And this is the answer.

I ache in my soul.

Mom says that he just sits and stares now, and looks oh so sad.  "This is the best I'll ever feel," he says, as the chemo debilitates him.

My heart is so broken.  For him, for us, for everyone.

They are waiting a few days to find out if any experimental treatments are open to him.  He'll do another round of chemo there.  Then, it can be done here, at a cancer center closer to home.  We're not sure which one yet, but there are a few options.  Until it doesn't work anymore.  Then things will get horrible for a long, long time.

My eyes burn with tears.  My brain aches with these thoughts.  My heart is shattered.  My soul is...well, my very being wants to curl up and hide.

BB offers me his arms, even if it has to be virtually for now.  I crave the solace of him.  His peace and his passion.

I don't know how to navigate a world without my dad.

Choo Choo! ...and other "indulgences"

Okay, so our passenger trains don't make that noise anymore, but I can dream!  I'm taking the train this weekend to Salt Lake City, to meet my daughter for her drive back from school.  Flying was #200 and the train was $48.  No brainer.  Well, except one drawback.  Flying takes an hour and the train takes (gulp) seven.  But for the money difference, I'll take it!

It will be a little adventure for me.  I've experienced trains in England, where they are faster than driving, so it's a much different experience here.  Everyone I've talk to about it loves traveling that way, though, so I'm excited about it!

And I'll be so glad to have my daughter home for awhile.  I need to soak up every minute with her because she's decided to go on a church mission.  We don't know where or exactly when yet, but it will come too soon no mater what. Then, it'll be a year and a half before I see her again.  She will not have a  cell phone or a computer.  She will be able to call me on Mother's Day and Christmas.  She can write home the old fashioned way all she wants.  The lost art of letter writing is about to be found!

In a couple of weeks, I'll have my second eye surgery.  I'm anxious for all of this to be done and healed.  The eye that's already had surgery is doing well.  My vision is a little bit less focused, so I'll need new glasses when the other one is all healed.  I can handle that.  It'll be a good time choosing new nerdy frames!

All of this has put a crimp in the plans to return to England.  I wanted to be there in May for the next Avengers movie, but that won't happen.  I won't be allowed to travel for a few weeks after surgery, and then there's the medical bills....  Maybe June.  Or July.  Or September.  I'm a regular Pollyanna about this.  He is still planning to be here in November, and possibly through December.  Or maybe longer, he said.  How kickass would that be?  Seeing the new Star Wars movie with him in the seat beside me?  The thought makes my little geeky heart go pitter pat!

We were discussing a whole spectrum of interests the other night.  Lego, a new series he likes, and the pickled onions I had ordered from a British food site to try.

The conversation took a turn towards supporting one another's interests and tastes.  We have many in common, but also have some divergent fandoms and food preferences, so to speak.  I thought it a particularly interesting exchange, given my recent comments here about how my interests have not been supported by those in my recent past.

Then, he said it.  He used this wording:

"Anything for you, to indulge your tastes, my dear!"

The caught in my mind.  "Indulge."  I'd used that exact word in my post the other day, saying no one could expect Jacob to indulge anything for anyone else.  Now, BB doesn't read this Diary, so that was
quite a lovely coincidence.

He went on to say, "As you know, I'm of the mindset that a relationship is not necessarily about compromise; it's about acceptance."

Wise words.  Relationship-wise, I know he is of little experience, but he has an outlook that I find amazing and comforting, all at once.

"I am so thankful and appreciative and humbled and honoured that you support my silly little things!"

I assured him that I didn't consider any of it silly, and enjoyed his enthusiasm about so many things.  I had to keep the tears of happiness at bay, as his words touched me so.  No one has ever been that thankful for me before, for how I am in a relationship, for how I love.

And I'm humbled in return that he indulges all of my "silly little things," as well.  He never rejects.  He listens to understand.  It doesn't matter if he's into it, as well.  If it catches my eye, then it also has his attention, for my sake alone.

He gives so much and notices so much, and loves so completely in return.  With abandon, and I can hardly express how entirely lovely that is.  It feels like the sun has come out and is finally shining upon me.

Friday, April 03, 2015

Oh...that's right....

...I nearly forgot what this was like.  The universe has an uncanny way of reminding me.

While I was recovering from surgery, and right after I'd been told I was legally blind until I recovered, I received a message on Tumblr in the middle of the night.  It was from a username I didn't know, and it went something like this (Tumblr deletes the original message, so I don't have the exact words):

"Sorry to bother you, but I was checking to see if everything was all right with, for, and about you.  I understand if you don't want to respond and will disappear again."

I checked the user's page to see who this was.


I set aside my phone and magnifying glass (which was how I was reading the phone at the time) and laid in the dark, pondering my answer.  Did he really want to know all of this?  He asked "with, for, and about" me.  That's a lot of question in a few little words.  And why was he asking?  Did he actually care?

By morning, I'd gotten over the initial reaction in my gut of he never really cares without motivation. I thought, he's asking out of the blue so maybe he's turned a corner.  I have to admit that a part of me wanted to believe he cared, and that admission makes me feel pathetic, to be honest.

I told him my news.  Eye surgery, temporary blindness, Dad's cancer, new relationship, kids, work.  I abbreviated the vast majority of it.  If he really cared, he'd ask for the details, I figured.

His reply went something like:

"Yeah, heard about your dad and was concerned. Sorry about the rest. Hope you mend well. Was just checking."

That's pretty much it.

And there it was - my reminder.  He almost cares, Blogget.  He comes so close, but then he just doesn't dig that deep.  Why did he even ask?

Perhaps I'd said too much?  But what I'd said was just the reality of the hand I'd been dealt, at that moment. I was enduring a lot, and doing it mostly alone.

That day, I noticed the post at the top of his page said something about "Sometimes you sign up for the drama...."  It struck me as a dig at me and all I had going on.  It felt very below the belt. A suckerpunch.

It smarted.  "Drama" is not what happens to you; drama is self-created. It is the wall of unnecessary bullshit you throw up for others and yourself to climb.  THAT is the part you "sign up" for, not the things the universe puts in your path.  That's just life.

Being accused of "drama" hurt.  I shouldn't have let it, but I did.  And I noted a bit of pot-calling-the-kettle-black in that accusation.  Jacob is the very definition of drama queen.

The only way to not experience drama with Jacob is to completely give yourself over to him.  You mold yourself into what he wants you to be.  You mirror his likes and dislikes, and you do not have any divergent interests of your own that you expect to share.  He will not indulge them for you.  You will have no drama as long as he is the one being indulged.

I can hear you now, dear Diary, asking, "But isn't he a submissive, Blogget?"  He is, but in only one aspect of his life. The rest of the time, he is quite dominant, and you must submit or suffer his moods until you do.  Moodiness is his particular method of manipulating a situation that is not going his way.

And it is all your fault, of course, and you come to believe you deserve it.  I've come a long way towards realizing that it wasn't, and I don't.

So, yes, I got the reminder - and the message - in his dismissive response.  Once, I almost had a friend.

I still wonder what motivated him to ask.  What did he want?  He said he was concerned, but then he didn't follow through.  It puzzles me.  Was he trying to be a friend, then decided not to be?  Maybe he doesn't really know how to be.  Maybe things just don't mean that much to him.

I'm sure I'll never know, but those questions bother me. He's not the kind to answer them or try to prove me wrong, so I deal with it on my own, still.