Monday, April 28, 2014

Right Under My Nose

That's where he's been. Right here, all the time.

He finds new ways to take my breath away almost every day. I’m thinking of him a lot today, as he goes about his business about 4,700 miles away from where I go about mine. In many ways, though, we’re hand in hand.

Back in January, I posted a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner, as they were (some of) the ones I wanted to also reciprocate. That January post said:
"(I want) a love who will…
work beside
laugh with
listen to
…me. And I will do the same for him.”

This is quite indicative of how I love. I go all in. If I love you - friend or lover - I’m in your corner, even when I’m being foolish. And this blog is a testament to how foolish I can be! I'll stay by someone's side well past the point of it being healthy for me.

 Unfortunately, after the latest obliterating of my heart and trust, I’ve become rather guarded. I’ve never been that before, to my detriment. I have now donned armor I’ve never worn before.

In the last few months, I've taken a hard look at that and realized that I needed to be less open. I needed to put less of me on the line and keep more of me in reserve, under lock and key. The new people I've met have had to deal with that. It's made it easier to let someone go when the situation turns out to not be something I want to deal with. But it makes it hard to feel close to anyone, as well. "Do i want to let him in?" I ask myself that a lot, when getting to know someone now. More often than not, of late, that answer is No. I don't like the risk. I don't want to feel like that again.

However, for one person, I stripped off my armor. He's been along for the ride with me for the last three years (plus). I made mention of him before, but now I have more to say.

We've been friends, understanding and supporting each other's nerdy obsessions for all that time. But when my ache and pain emerged, he reached out to me with solace. As you know, I hit the ground hard on this one. Looking back, I can see how he stepped forward and sat beside me. He virtually held me and listened to me and soothed me. He has hugged away my tears. Been a listening ear and my sympathetic shoulder. Given me delightful fantasies of being whisked away in a TARDIS with him (my “River” to his “Doctor”), to light my darkness. Taken my virtual hand and asked so sweetly to be my Valentine. He calls me “cyar’ika,” and means it. In Mando'a (for those not obsessed with Star Wars, that's the native language of Boba Fett), that means "darling, sweetheart, beloved."

He has the tenderest and most passionate spirit. He has shown me laughter, and light, and love, like no other ever has. He’s made my heart beat anew.

Now, he has opened his heart and life to me. When I told him that my heart is his, he said, “And I will protect it with all that I am.” I think I stopped breathing for a moment, then.

That means the world to me because I know he doesn’t take such a vow lightly. Others have made similar promises, but they forget them in the face of taking care of themselves. He says this having seen my damage first-hand, having already cared for it, and knowing what the words means to me. He vows to take care of my most vulnerable parts, as he already has.

I can now leave that armor on the ground. I believe him, and always have. I believe he owns those qualities above (and so much more!) in a way I’ve not seen in anyone else. His beauty is immeasurable. He is amazing, in his heart, mind, and soul. And I believe in him.

 We don't have an easy road, but it is not insurmountable. That we both see it as such an plan to pull that plow together - well, that's worth the goal, isn't it?