Friday, May 29, 2015

My exciting life

I swear, I'm a thrill a minute.

I got a bonus at work for having an excellent performance review.  After the taxman takes his 1/3 of it, I think I have enough left for...


...a washer and dryer.

Oooooh!  Ahhhhh!

I know.  I live on the edge.

My little house is adorable, but it is lacking laundry facilities.  I've been going to my folks' house for the last year and a half to do my laundry once a week.  It takes forever and a day, and it's a big production.  It would be nice to just step out the kitchen door and throw something in the wash.

So, I just took a step back and looked at myself.  I can't believe I'm blogging about laundry.

When I was in England, I didn't see anything like a laundromat, like we have here.  I was lucky that the hotel was nice enough to run a load of clothes for me, or I'd have been up stinky creek.  I'm thinking about going back lately, so that's something to plan for.  Mental note.

Speaking of going back to England, I'm looking at doing so in September.  Daughter leaves for her missing at the end of August.  Planning a trip might help me not be so upset about being without her. Something to look forward to, instead of dreading her departure so very much.  I really am dreading it, too, but I can't say that to her.  How will I manage a year and a half of not texting and talking to her all the time?  Not having her here for Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day....

It breaks my heart.  But I raised her to go out into the world and explore life.  She's doing exactly what I taught her to do, and helping others in the process.  I can't begrudge her that.  It's just that, as her mom, I don't know how to be without her for so long.

In short, it hurts.  I need a distraction.  A return to Yorkshire and time with my sweetheart might just do that.  He'll be finished with school by then, so it might be a good time to visit.  September would be nice there, as well.  I know we'd end up spending some time in Nottingham, where his mother lives.

Yup, I'd be meeting the mother.  That makes me nervous.  Because...she's actually slightly younger than me.

Okay, there.  I've admitted it pseudo-out-loud.  She did have him when she was quite young, so there's that.  And to be fair, I fell for him because of our interactions, well before I know he was younger than me.  By that time, it didn't matter so much.

Does she know that?  She's found me on Facebook, so we've chatted a bit, and she's said she's supportive as long as her son is happy.  But does she know the numbers?  The real numbers?  I just don't want to have a problem with her over this.

His dad is another story,  He is much older than his mother.  They had a significant age gap when they were together (they are not anymore).  That might be one reason why she doesn't have a problem with our relationship.

I hope.

So, will I go in September?  I sincerely hope so.  I just need to get the numbers to align now.  Travel is so stinking expensive.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Last Time?

Two of my dad's siblings have come to visit this week.  I love them dearly, but haven't seen them in a very long time.  The unspoken subtext of the visit is...they need to see him before he's gone.

So, will this be the last time they ever get to see their big brother?  Does this mean that the ones who didn't come will never see him on this earth again?

They have a strong faith of a life together in the hereafter, so there's that thought.  See you on the other side!  But it's the finality of this side that I'm struggling with lately.  I don't want it to be that way for them, to never see each other again.  I happens to everyone.  The circle of life.  Yada, yada.  But...

...I don't want to be without him.

Memorial Day weekend reminded me of the days when a warm-weather holiday meant Dad would cook out for us.  Ribs, chicken...all slathered in barbecue sauce.  I look at him now, so thin and weakened.  And again, I wonder, have we done that for the last time already?  Most likely so. It's a memory now.

I'm having a hard time.  I don't talk to anyone about it because there is no one to talk to.  I'd only make it harder for those people around me who are also hurting because of this.  But I'm finding it all sad and infuriating and unfair and unbearable.

And I'm not at all ready to deal with my sister and how she takes over a death.  She wraps her arms around it and makes it "hers."  No one has ever been entitled to grief like my sister.  And that's to the exclusion of others.  She wants you to be aware that your grief is so much smaller and less significant than hers.  She disallows yours.  She takes it away.  It's maddening, and I won't be able to tolerate it this time, I'm afraid.

So, I will cry on your shoulder, Dear Diary.

My shoulder is given to the others in my life who are having struggles with this phase of our family's life.  No one is saying, "He's dying," but it hangs in the air.  He's gotten so thin and tired.  He's lost over 100 pounds now.  He wears out easily, but he's trying all he can.  He's at a baseball game right now, with Son.  They need to have some time together, doing something fun.  He won't make it all the way through, but that's not what counts.  Being together is what counts.

Bear with me, Dear Diary.  I'm having a struggle, and you are where I must turn to work it out.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Back in the Saddle!

For the most part!  Surgery went well.  My retinas are both now where they're supposed to be!  I would have been back sooner, but I did have to have the gas bubble and restricted movement for a couple of weeks.  The bubble has finally dissipated, and I'm back at the computer.  I am taking advantage of the accessibility features of my Mac to zoom in on things, but that will get better as the weeks pass.  My vision is a little blurry and depth perception is damn comical, but it'll all get better as the healing happens!

BB is beside himself that he's not able to be here to help me out during my recovery.  With my restricted movement, he wanted to be here to cuddle up, bring me tea, and watch movies all day.  Sounds like a good recovery time to me!

I'm back at work now, for my first full-time week since the surgery.  It's good to be back!  I've had several people email me and say they're glad I'm back, so I'm not sure what was happening when I was gone, but it's awfully nice to be welcomed and appreciated.  I'm back just in time, too!

We just had our last round of interviews for the jinxed position, the one we seem to never be able to fill.  We're all hoping it works out this time, for the long term.  We could sure use the help, but from someone who has an appreciation for the work we actually do and isn't trying to take over or reinvent the wheel.  It has been a frustrating road, to say the least.

My parents are now home.  My dad will see his doctor in Houston every few months, and he will guide the treatment via the local doctors.  They've heard of an experimental program and surgeons who think they can help, but what do you risk to see if it's true?  He doesn't want to go into surgery thinking the tumor will be removed and wake up to find his leg is also gone.  What quality of life do you preserve?  So many questions.  So many unknowns.  It's really a rough bunch of decisions to make.  All the while, they're also being referred to palliative care, which is really difficult to accept and discuss.

Daughter is about to embark on an adventure.  She will serve a church mission for 18 months, starting in August.  She will be in an area that encompasses parts of Mississippi, Arkansas, and Louisiana.  How will I make it 18 months without her?  I really don't know.  As you know, dear Diary, the loneliness is intense.  I don't know how to fill so many quiet hours.  And I don't know how to fill the gap left by her laughter and beautiful spirit.

But I raised her to fly, and she is certainly doing that.  I'll hope each day that she'll be blessed and protected, happy and safe.