Time to bite the bullet and take the plunge. I'm about to show my most unflattering, insecure side...and I know it ain't pretty. But my head's full, my heart is heavy, and that's what a diary is for, eh?
I mentioned before that Boyfriend cheated on me, about a year and a half ago. I believe he tried before, years ago, with a woman he worked with. She was a pea-brain, though, and left messages for him on the voicemail we shared. "I'm sorry I can't see you tonight. I really wanted to." And so forth. He said nothing happened. I think it didn't happen because I got the messages first. She left town for long time, but when she returned, who did she call? Yeah, see? You're already smarter than she was.
Being cheated on is a really heavy blow, for more reasons than I can say. (And I can't say because rehashing it makes me relive it.) We were having a rocky time back then, but we'd been together for a really good date less than 48 hours before he slept with her. Later, I found out he'd been cultivating that relationship behind my back, even playing with her kid.
Long, infuriating story short: He and I decided to work it out. The healing probably would have gone much more quickly and much smoother if other incidents hadn't happened.
For instance, I found a profile he posted on an Internet dating site during our "rocky" time. His list of "favorites" there was pretty disgusting. I mean, how much of a lady do you have to be to spread 'em for the camera and post it on the Web? The most hurtful thing was that he used it as a forum for saying terrible things about me and our relationship -- and I might add, things he admits weren't true. He said later that he was just upset when he wrote it.
I should clue you in to something here. I'm really, REALLY good at finding things on the Internet. I'm also REALLY good at guessing his passwords. He's predictable that way, and I know him really well. For him to post at all was monumentally stupid. For me to break into it was easy. I changed the email addy and password long enough to hold it as proof, after he tried to deny it. Then, I deleted the account.
He also has a habit of flirting with other women, in front of me. Nothing says lovin' like watching your fella fawn after some cute thing hustling for tips. He's told me about women hitting on him and he tells them, "My girlfriend will kill you if we do anything."
Did you notice the problem there? I'm sure you did because we've alrady established that you're smart.
He doesn't say, "I love my girlfriend and don't want you." I've noticed, too. We're both smart, you and I.
So, you're wondering, hey Blogget, what's the draw with this guy? Here it is: I'm not an easy person to be with. I'm hard to match. It's not that I'm difficult, because I really do take care of my man like no one else will. But I also have other constraints and commitments in my life that make it hard to date and hang out like couples often do. It takes an understanding and patient person to tolerate the unpredictability.
Also, I'm bored with dim guys. Heck, I'm bored with some smart guys. I need witty reparte! I need conversations with meat to them! I need literacy (an alarmingly difficult attribute to find these days)! I need someone of substance. I'm a strong-willed woman of substance, a force to be reckoned with! He has to be able to take me. This guy can take me. And he likes to take care of me and be sweet to me.
I just don't know if he can be faithful to me.
A month ago, I found his profile on AdultFriendFinder.com. I broke into it (I told you this stuff was easy). Phrases burned my eyes.
"Email/Erotic chat only"
"No strings attached!"
"I'm bored to tears with my current relationship."
My heart sank. It still hasn't recovered. He let me down. Again. The disappointment and ache is palpable.
I confronted him. This time, he didn't do it out of being angry or upset. He was just horny. That's it. Just horny, and I wasn't good enough to talk to just then. Such a base and crude reason.
"I didn't realize you were 'bored to tears'," I said.
"Not really. I just wanted to try something different."
"Have I ever denied you? Ever turned you away?"
"No. Me being bored isn't your fault. I just haven't asked about some things."
I'm baffled at this. He knows some of my history. He knows I'm, to be completely honest with everyone here, pretty much insatiable.
So, I don't understand that whole thing. The need to post at all. The need to make it personal. The need to lie. And the ability to actually do all of it. That's what makes it hard to get over.
Last night, he called at 10:30 and I had to call him back. 15 minutes later, he's not answering. All night, he's not answering. What's the excuse this time? Fell asleep? Forgot the ringer?
No. He got drunk watching Monday Night Football and it put him out.
I'm sorry -- how old are we?
I'm getting sick of it all, and I have to wonder a few things. Can he redeem himself enough to be trusted again? HOW can he accomplish that? Will I ever accept what he says at face value?
When will it come crashing down again? And should I let him have that chance?
12 hours ago