Selfishness

Even during all the garbage we went through with the divorce, I never thought I could really hate my ex. I felt angry a lot of the time, but I didn't hate him.

I'm learning to hate him now.

I've been trying very hard to help my son transition into his new life in Colorado. He's seen the positives here, including a lower crime rate, a lack of gang activity, and a relief from Texas football. They literally burned him out, and he's learned here that it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, he knew that if he'd played football here the whole time, he wouldn't feel burned out by it.

Then he visits his dad, and the turmoil starts all over again.

See, my ex wants this child to do all he didn't do in high school sports. And he takes tremendous pride in being the dad of the "star." He wants him to accomplish all of this at his alma mater, too, where he can be prominent in the parent organization.

Whenever he visits with my son, this is the pressure he exerts. "If you stayed here, you'd be part of something big. You'd be a star in Texas football!" Nevermind all the practices that this child actually said he thought were going to kill him. Nevermind the mentality that it's not a workout until everyone is vomiting. Nevermind the stats of kids who are seriously injured or even DIE because of this. And my son is not unscathed -- he has a bad knee now and probably forever because he was injured and then threatened if he went to a doctor about it.

Instead of helping my son make a healthy transition, my ex pushes him the other direction. Encourages him to be difficult. Drives wedges between him and me, his sister, and his grandparents. And Christmas was just the icing on the cake.

The idiot gave him memorabilia of his old high school in Texas. Blanket, t-shirts, hats....the works. Pumped up the old school and the old coaches, the ones who did him damage. Why is he doing this? So he can try to influence the child, and boost his own ego? It's so damn selfish.

I've warned him about this, and I've warned of the impact it has on my daughter. She watches her dad harping on her big brother, pushing him to stay behind and break up the only family unit she can remember in her life. He has no concern for her feelings. He can barely acknowledge the things she's interested in. He allows his wife to berate and belittle her, doing nothing to stand up for her. He allows her to do the same thing to his younger daughter, too, as his wife openly belittles this little girl, and belittles her mother to her.

I must say, it's obvious to us that he's unaware of most of her antics, and believes her denials concerning them. He's in for a rude awakening one of these days, but he'll be too late for the damage this woman is inflicting on the girls and on his relationship with them.

And again, it's selfishness that will wreck things for him. It's what caused our troubles, too. I'm just so incredibly frustrated with what he's doing to my son, though. And he won't stop, no matter how much I've protested. He lies and says he will, but he just becomes subversive. I'm exhausted from constantly battling this. Like dealing with a teenager isn't hard enough, he has to make that much worse.

I'm so tired of the worry and heartache, with no shelter and no one to lean on myself. It's hard to be strong all the time. I need someone to be the water for my ship, as I wish to be the same for him. Besides the health, happiness, and safety of my family, this is the wish I hold for myself in 2008.

That, and for my ex to grow a brain and shut the hell up.