Sunday, March 02, 2008

I've had a thought

So, I've been railing at God quite a bit. This whole thing with Greg (combined with Old BF, South Carolina, and Fella) has been rather faith-shaking. Breaking Benjamin has a song called "Forget It," and one of the lines really reflects how I feel: "How can I believe, when this cloud hangs over me?"

So, I've been doing a lot of crying and pleading with God to please stop tormenting me like this. I just can't understand why He dangles the carrot out there for me, gives me a little hope of loving and being loved, then yanks it away. Is this funny for Him? Is this sport? Why can't I have the happiness other people have?

And this time, it's gone a step further. Greg is hurt, too. His dreams are crushed. Two hearts are actually involved this time. We let ourselves love one another. No one planned on it, but it happened. You, dear diary, have to know what a miraculous thing it is when two people can fall for each other, at the same time. It's what everyone is looking for. Just when we've found it, the world comes apart. How fair is that?

And thus is the nature of my railing at God. Why would you do this to us? Why would you bring us together, drop us in each other's lives, let us find that love....then make it impossible? What is the purposed to doing this to us?

And I actually got an answer.

It occurred to me, quite suddenly, that I've been in Greg's position. My ex's mental illness was negatively impacting me and my children. My children suffer damage because of it. When I saw that happening, I had to make a choice. Stay with a situation that was not going to improve over the years, and help the kids cope as best they could with it....or make the decision to protect them from it in their daily lives. Remove that daily pain. Be the stable parent, with the stable home they could rely on. It was definitely not an easy choice, but I lived through it. More importantly, I improved my children's lives.

In Greg's case, he has two mentally-ill people caring for his son. The child has much more serious issues, and he needs assistance. Many programs are available to help him, but his care will involve much more demands at home. With a mentally-ill person, they often have trouble taking care of anyone but themselves, day-to-day. And that's without handling the complex demands of an autistic child. In fact, the state he's in right now is a testament to how little they've been able address his needs. And you have to wonder -- if the grandfather was on heroine, could the mom or grandmother be users, too?

I think Greg needs to hear my experience. I think he's looking at a similar crossroads. He has a child with special needs, who is best served by a stable home that gives him the help he needs. The mother and grandmother are anything but stable, with issues that need a different kind of assistance. Greg is one person. He just can't support them all, and address all the issues, himself. And his son is his top priority.

All three need to get in the MHMR system. I have a mentally-disabled aunt, so we've actually been through that process. And to be completely honest, the boy's mom would get more assistance if she was not married and not tied to Greg's income, meager as it is.

So, it seems I have experience that Greg can use. I have some answers that can ease that edge of panic and desperation that I heard in his voice. Pray for me, pray for us, and hope that God is still listening.


Pixie said...

Oh hon , my heart bleeds for you.
To be so brave to be able to give Greg the help he needs whilst accepting that in giving that help you cannot for now have each other, is true love.
peace and tranquility to you

D-HOR said...

I'll pray blogget, I'm always at least good for that. Maybe you were put in his life for a reason, that would be cool right? I'll pray for sure. :)

Anonymous said...

Things will work out! I am sure! I hope that he will find out more about what he can do to get the help needed to take are of his kid.

Prayers going up for you, G-D is not torturing you, it is the whole situation! Talk to him, he may think he is alone in this and when he hears what you have to say, he may feel better about getting things done!

captain corky said...

Greg has a lot to think about and once everyone isn't feeling so overwhelmed, maybe you can help him see what would be best for everyone.

Blogget Jones said...

Pixie - you're so sweet. I just feel at a loss with him right now. It's so not fair -- we were right on the verge of something spectacular. Now, his life is tied in knots. And I'm feeling desperate about it.

D-hor - I told him yesterday, I have trouble accepting that there isn't a reason we came together. He keeps saying, "We were divorcing, I'd found you, then this happened...." but he's not in problem-solving mode yet. Yes, please pray. IMHO, she needs to find someone else to take care of her, someone who isn't overburdened by their presence. He just can't do it all, and he's expected to.

Single - I want to be that person he can turn to. He's in a bad situation, with no stable person in the house to talk to. I hope he takes what's offered.... And I hope he's able to find the help his little one needs. I worry about them both, being in that household.

Corky - I think you're right. He needs to get out of overload-mode and really think.

Thank you all for being here for me!

:o) BJ