Sunday, September 30, 2007


I have an obsessive nature. We've established this. Yesterday was a big bundle of Things To Obsess About.

I've been thinking of the situation with New Fella all day. First, we have the whole shitload of confusion over what happened with Game Day. Second, the situation with his son. I hope the text was all right, and not pushy of me. I want him to know I'm here for him, even though all the "experts" say not to be so "available." I think this is different....

There's a lot I want to tell him, but I have to pick the time and place carefully. With the Game Day situation, maybe he needs to know that I do have options. I'm not just sitting around, at his whim. I actually make a choice and an effort to see him. Maybe it's time to say, "I enjoy you. I enjoy spending time with you. So much so that I've turned down a couple of other dates lately, because I would rather spend that time with you. But I need to know if we're on the same page with that. What do you think?" Or some such.

On the family situation, I want to let him know that I understand and I care, and I want to offer what solace I can. Something like, "What I see is a guy who takes care of everyone around him. When you're dealing with [son], you have a lot of wise words for him. But when it goes bad, it pains me to see all the anger, frustration, and heartache you're going through. You need a refuge, a shelter where you can go and vent and let some of it out. I can be that. I'm actually quite good at being that. If you'll let me." I mean, being emotional in front of me isn't a problem for him, or wasn't a week ago. I think it was just too much, and too unpredictable, last night.

I wish I could get the chance to talk to his son, too. I can only guess at what he thinks I think of him, but he's probably wrong. He really is a good kid - great personality, very sweet, polite. He's more than this. But I'm given to understand that this happens when (1) he has a girlfriend and (2) he drinks. Right now, he thinks his dad is an asshole. I wish he understood that even though he and I will not see his dad in the same way, it doesn't change that I care that there's peace between them.

What he's seeing is his dad's reaction to worry and frustration over his child. When you hold that little baby in your arms, you see in them all the wonder and hopes and dreams you can possibly have for them. Your love is overwhelming. Later in their life, if you see them careening towards a cliff, you have to do something. You want to save them. Your heart breaks for them, and it's excruciating. With all you want for them, all you can do right then is try to save them. That's where his dad is now. And if he's blustery and offensive about it sometimes, it's because he loves him and is desperate to help him.

I sat in church for three hours today, with all the usual goings-on happening. Inside, I was quietly and fervently praying for them. For an intervention of peace in their home and hearts. For an easing of the pain. For a truce. For an understanding. For a softening. For love to prevail. And for New Fella and I to be able to be strong together, if at all possible.

The game is almost over, and he's supposed to call. Then again, he says he'll call every Sunday after The Game, and he doesn't. This Sunday, that might be especially true.

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