The things that tie me in knots

"You know, you never see me on my last night here."

He grinned at that, and I was struck again by how beautiful his blue eyes are. "I know," he said. "I like that."

"You like that?"

"Yeah. It gives me a bit of mystery. Something for you to come back for."

I laughed at that. After the things we've done with each other in the past, you can't really say there's much mystery there.

Greg had just told me that he couldn't hang out with me tonight, as he'd promised earlier. He was feeling sick. Really sick.

But he doesn't like telling me no. "It's not like I don't want to," he said. "I mean, have you seen you today? I just need to go to sleep." He's studying my face.

"Stop worrying about me," he says and leaves to take care of another table.

Saying he's sick is an understatement. Something is very wrong. Every time he goes to the bathroom, it's full of blood. He told me yesterday that he has a hernia that he's never had fixed. But he has no insurance. He has no means of paying a doctor. He doesn't even have a regular doctor to go to. At the moment, he has no transportation to get to a doctor, either.

I'm worried. My worry face makes him worry about me. He puts a plate of fried green beans in front of me, and I take a bite. "That's what I like to see," he says. "Eat something and quit worrying about me." He sounds like my late Jewish mother-in-law.

He gets busy with other tables. I decided to call Ranger.

His voice broke as he answered the phone. He cleared his throat.

"What's wrong?" I asked immediately.

"Nothing," he said, too quietly.

"I know better. What's wrong?"

"This is just hard."

"What is?"

"I'm writing you a note to tell you what to do if the worst case scenario happens. And I'm emailing instructions to you, too. It's just hard to think about."

"What do you think will happen?"

See, Ranger has to go back to court tomorrow and settle this thing. He has to plead something to the "altering documents" charge. He's at a complete loss. And he's really afraid they'll change something else and arrest him again, and he'll find himself defenseless in jail again.

"I just don't know what they'll pull, okay? I don't trust them. And I don't like having to write these things, in case they do more to me." He paused. "If they put my in jail again, I'm giving you full Power of Attorney over my affairs. It's in this note, too."

That surprised me. He's leaving me full step-by-step instructions of how to access all that he has, and the power to make decisions with it. The full weight of what he is worried about hit me, and I began to worry, too.

Would they really do something like that to him? It's all been so ridiculous. It's all so unjust. I remembered the helpless feeling of not knowing what's happening. I started to be scared, too.

Ranger wanted to finish writing what he needed me to know, so he got off the phone. My eyes started burning. I felt panic rising. My breathing was faster. A lump formed in my throat.

"Are you all right?" Greg's bulky frame loomed over me, almost protectively. I looked up into his worry face.

I swallowed. "Oh, the good news keeps rolling in."

"What's going on?" His eyes seemed to burn right into mine. I looked down.

"It's a long story and I'm not sure you want to hear it."

"What's going on?" He said, biting at each word, his look of concern growing stronger.

"It's Ranger," I said. He nodded, telling me to go on. I gave him a quick synopsis of what had happened, up to that moment.

"That's complete bullshit," he said. I agreed. He looked up and another table needed him. I waved him on.

I thought about Ranger, in such turmoil at that exact moment. I watched Greg, knowing that something inside him was bleeding, badly, as I watched. I bit my lip and ducked into the bathroom. I stood in a stall and cried as silently as I could.

When I had it under control again, I returned to my table. Greg moved to a nearby table, but mouthed to me, "Are you all right?" I nodded. I lied.

He asked several more times. I lied then, too.