Whoever wrote "Suicide is Painless" is stupid

(Does anyone even know that song anymore? Or know where it comes from?)

I'm a closet Indianapolis Colts fan. Boyfriend is a big fan, so I've watched them for a few years. This year, they are spectacular. I've learned what a huddle-less offense is and it seems bad-ass. I hope they go all the way, but shhhh....don't say that too loud or I'll jinx 'em!

In case the news hasn't reached you, the Colts' head coach Tony Dungy has an 18-year-old son who decided to kill himself yesterday. Here's the Fox Sports article.

Before I total taint any positive image you might have of me and launch into my rant, here's my disclaimer: I am not insensitive. I am not unsympathetic. I feel absolutely horrible for Tony Dungy and his family. This is a hurt that will never go away. Time will dull the shock, but they will always miss that boy and wish he was there for the milestones in life, theirs and his. They will always second guess themselves and carry the guilt. They will always, like it or not, have a bit of anger towards him for doing it to them. I feel so terribly sad for anyone going through such a horror, especially when they are mourning their child.

I even feel a bad for the boy. No one in their right mind takes their own life. I firmly believe that. Things just get all screwed up and you can't think straight, I know. That said, I'm totally pissed at that kid. I don't tolerate selfishness well, and this is one of the most insanely selfish things I've ever heard.

The Colts lead the NFL at 13-1, with only two more games in the regular season. 2005 should have been the year in Tony Dungy's history when he led an NFL team to a near-perfect season. He should be enjoying the pinnacle of his career.

Instead, it's the year his son died. Not only died, but killed himself. And just three days before Christmas. How very sad. Not only has the man lost his child, but he can't even enjoy what should have been his best year yet. That boy took everything away from that man. Merry Christmas, Dad.

Alrighty, then. I can feel the vibes from here. Dang, Blogget, you're a cold one. The poor kid probably didn't have his dad's attention and was in desperate need. Even if that is the case, you don't take your own life. You don't destroy your life and the lives of those around you just because you're having a hard time. It's not fair.

On the other hand, it's not my place to be mad at that kid. He didn't inflict hurt upon me. Unfortunately, he's opened old wounds. I hear about the reactions of people hearing about his death, and it comes back to me.

"Julie is dead. She shot herself."

Julie was my cousin. Well, she still is. She's just not where I can tell her about my kids or go to her wedding or hear about her kids. We grew up together. Matching dresses on Easter and Christmas and the lot. She got into a messed up world and I guess saw no other way out.

But there was another way. She had a family who loved her and would help her. She didn't have to choose the way she did. I'm still a little mad at her for doing that to us all. It's surreal to see her name on a headstone, beside my great-grandparents and grandparents. It's just not the way it was supposed to be.

I don't know how her mother was able to clean out her apartment afterwards. I couldn't have faced it all, being within the walls where my child lived, fell apart, and died. Now, I'm reading about another family who has to do the same thing.

Suicide is not painless. It's an act that leaves immeasureable damage in it's wake. It causes a pain that runs deeper than any comfort can reach. I'm profoundly sorry for anyone who has to join the unfortunate fraternity of those who suffer through that pain.