Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Ah! The Traditional Thanksgiving....Flu?
Another smashing Thankgiving has flown on by. Family. Turkey. Dressing. Sweet Potatoes. Pie.
And the stomach flu.
Luuuvvvlllyyy
Those trimmings aren't nearly as appetizing in reverse.
And where was my dear sweet love? They guy who says he can't do without me? His life is over if I'm not in it?
About 7 hours away. He had a good excuse, I suppose. Family, blah, blah, blah. So, when he hadn't heard from me that "luuuvvvlllyyy" morning, he finally called to find me barely coherent in a dehydration-induced stupor. I had to tell him I couldn't talk. I didn't have the energy to hold the phone any longer without losing consciousness.
Later that day, when I was more lucid due to the miracle that is Phenergan (and if you've taken it, you'll know what really says that I was MORE lucid on the stuff!), he says he's deathly worried about me and can't wait to get home. He's obligated to see an old friend that night, but he doesn't want to be out for long, so he can rest and get home to take care of me. What a sweetheart!
Flash forward to 1:30 AM: Ring goes my phone. I manage to swim out of my Phenergan-cradled sleep and grab it. On the other end is my boyfriend's slurry voice. He just got home and would like me to know it. He's been "good" (which apparently involves splitting pitchers of too-expensive beer at a place whose chief draw is skimpy-outfitted "lumberjack girls"), he wants me to know. I can't remember the end of the conversation because we both fell asleep.
At a more reasonable hour, I let him know I'm making arrangements to be able to see him that night. He says okay and he'll let me know when he's leaving town to head home.
[Insert the spinning clock face here, as the hours tick by.]
No word from Sweetie. It's early afternoon when I finally call and get an answer. His dad informs me Sweetie is asleep on the couch. "He'll head home tomorrow," he tells me.
Great. Thanks, Sweetie.
I'm understandably upset. Again. But too weak to be too agressive about it. Truth be told, I haven't talked about it with him yet. I'm even more weary of having to stick up for myself with this guy. What the hell is wrong with me that this is the best I get?
And he wonders why I don't feel important to him. Wow.
I finally decided to drag my ass out of bed on the third afternoon after coming down with the crud. A shower and fresh jammies and it's bedtime again. Heaven knows, I need a good night's sleep for work.
And the stomach flu.
Luuuvvvlllyyy
Those trimmings aren't nearly as appetizing in reverse.
And where was my dear sweet love? They guy who says he can't do without me? His life is over if I'm not in it?
About 7 hours away. He had a good excuse, I suppose. Family, blah, blah, blah. So, when he hadn't heard from me that "luuuvvvlllyyy" morning, he finally called to find me barely coherent in a dehydration-induced stupor. I had to tell him I couldn't talk. I didn't have the energy to hold the phone any longer without losing consciousness.
Later that day, when I was more lucid due to the miracle that is Phenergan (and if you've taken it, you'll know what really says that I was MORE lucid on the stuff!), he says he's deathly worried about me and can't wait to get home. He's obligated to see an old friend that night, but he doesn't want to be out for long, so he can rest and get home to take care of me. What a sweetheart!
Flash forward to 1:30 AM: Ring goes my phone. I manage to swim out of my Phenergan-cradled sleep and grab it. On the other end is my boyfriend's slurry voice. He just got home and would like me to know it. He's been "good" (which apparently involves splitting pitchers of too-expensive beer at a place whose chief draw is skimpy-outfitted "lumberjack girls"), he wants me to know. I can't remember the end of the conversation because we both fell asleep.
At a more reasonable hour, I let him know I'm making arrangements to be able to see him that night. He says okay and he'll let me know when he's leaving town to head home.
[Insert the spinning clock face here, as the hours tick by.]
No word from Sweetie. It's early afternoon when I finally call and get an answer. His dad informs me Sweetie is asleep on the couch. "He'll head home tomorrow," he tells me.
Great. Thanks, Sweetie.
I'm understandably upset. Again. But too weak to be too agressive about it. Truth be told, I haven't talked about it with him yet. I'm even more weary of having to stick up for myself with this guy. What the hell is wrong with me that this is the best I get?
And he wonders why I don't feel important to him. Wow.
I finally decided to drag my ass out of bed on the third afternoon after coming down with the crud. A shower and fresh jammies and it's bedtime again. Heaven knows, I need a good night's sleep for work.
Monday, November 21, 2005
New blood!
The office has new blood! Usually, I'm not so insistent, but I wasn't about to let the testosterone in this place overrule common sense. With all of our personnel changes and problems, we're a bit behind in some areas. Heaven forbid we hire someone who can actually help!
Backstory: G the Backstabber tried some rather nasty shenanigans against me. Turns out, she does that to mask the fact that she has no effing idea what she's doing. Cut off his head to make yourself look tall -- that should be embroidered in a sampler for this woman. She even went to the trouble of documenting what I did "wrong" -- only to prove that she was incompetent and I wasn't.
The real story is long and astronomically frustrating, so I'll spare you and say it backfired. E actually asked A in my presence, "Why did we hire G again?"
To summarize: We were down one person due to OCD's departure. Truth be told, we were down two people, since G is an idiot.
Let the hiring process commence!
A whole new field of idiots comes out of the woodwork when a job posting goes out. My favorite had to be the one who created a GIGANTIC graphic as some horribly pretentious letterhead that covered half of the page. No exaggeration. HALF of the page! Then, the one-paragraph cover letter was set in tiny script font. Yeah, I wanna work with that one!
The required interviews droned on. In the end, we had four choices. Gee, which would you pick?
1. a guy who had the experience and required skills, plus the bonus skills.
2. a bubbly blonde girl who didn't meet the required experience, had some of the skills, and said she could learn the bonus skills.
3. a woman with lots of experience, but a padded resume, who asked for more money than the boss makes.
4. another bubbly blonde with the experience, but lacking skills.
Seems a no-brainer, yes? Sure, when you're thinking with a brain and not a less-rational appendage.
One of my brilliant coworkers actually said, out loud, in public, "1 sounds good, but I like 2 better because she's prettier."
No effing kidding. To quote one of my new favorites songs: "This time somebody's getting hurt." I mustered every drop of professional hard-ass I could find in me and pushed. The fact is, we need help. NOW. What if 2 can't learn the skills? I mean, G can't and has us pickled over it.
The boss doesn't want another pickle. 1 is here now and has been doing a smashing job ever since. Except that he talks ALL THE EFFING TIME! In my office. You'd think that would quit being fun after awhile, but then again....it's me.
Catch ya later, diary.
Blogget Jones
Backstory: G the Backstabber tried some rather nasty shenanigans against me. Turns out, she does that to mask the fact that she has no effing idea what she's doing. Cut off his head to make yourself look tall -- that should be embroidered in a sampler for this woman. She even went to the trouble of documenting what I did "wrong" -- only to prove that she was incompetent and I wasn't.
The real story is long and astronomically frustrating, so I'll spare you and say it backfired. E actually asked A in my presence, "Why did we hire G again?"
To summarize: We were down one person due to OCD's departure. Truth be told, we were down two people, since G is an idiot.
Let the hiring process commence!
A whole new field of idiots comes out of the woodwork when a job posting goes out. My favorite had to be the one who created a GIGANTIC graphic as some horribly pretentious letterhead that covered half of the page. No exaggeration. HALF of the page! Then, the one-paragraph cover letter was set in tiny script font. Yeah, I wanna work with that one!
The required interviews droned on. In the end, we had four choices. Gee, which would you pick?
1. a guy who had the experience and required skills, plus the bonus skills.
2. a bubbly blonde girl who didn't meet the required experience, had some of the skills, and said she could learn the bonus skills.
3. a woman with lots of experience, but a padded resume, who asked for more money than the boss makes.
4. another bubbly blonde with the experience, but lacking skills.
Seems a no-brainer, yes? Sure, when you're thinking with a brain and not a less-rational appendage.
One of my brilliant coworkers actually said, out loud, in public, "1 sounds good, but I like 2 better because she's prettier."
No effing kidding. To quote one of my new favorites songs: "This time somebody's getting hurt." I mustered every drop of professional hard-ass I could find in me and pushed. The fact is, we need help. NOW. What if 2 can't learn the skills? I mean, G can't and has us pickled over it.
The boss doesn't want another pickle. 1 is here now and has been doing a smashing job ever since. Except that he talks ALL THE EFFING TIME! In my office. You'd think that would quit being fun after awhile, but then again....it's me
Catch ya later, diary.
Blogget Jones
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Blogget's Home Away from Home (i.e. WORK)
The winds of change have swept my office! And they've turned things around in a good way for yours truly!
First of all, the personnel changes.
Y "The Short-Timer" is gone, as I mentioned previously. OCD is gone, too -- off to explore greener pastures.
Four new people have joined our disfunctional little family:
G of the "Intelligensia"
G is the newest one. I say "Intelligensia" not because I consider her among their number, but she certainly does. So many nice email discussions have come to a dead halt because she decided to respond in Latin or French, and it disgusted us into silence. We don't like show-offs.
In my experience with her, she has proven her incompetence repeatedly and persistently. For a kicker, she's also a liar and political maneuverer. She pulled a bunch of crap a couple of months ago, trying to take me down, but it all backfired in her face. See, I work above-board and within what I know my bosses will approve. Read: I cover my ass. She's an idiot. A Latin-French-speaking idiot.
B is cool
Really. He's a really smart, cool guy. Kinda cute, too. He's experiencing some bitter personal problems and they occasionally take him down for awhile, but he hangs in there. He's sharp and makes a good contribution, but doesn't buy the crap from The Powers That Be. Needs to wash his hair more often, but he's a good guy.
M is naive
M comes to us after retiring elsewhere, so he's used to being in administration. The Powers That Be have assigned such tasks to him, even though he's one of the new kids on this block. He's blind to the problems with The Powers That Be, and likes it that way.
A shake-up happened in our company, and one division was splintered and reassigned to other divisions. We got two new kids in our family because of that. They are:
T is for Tough Cookie
She's sharp as can be, knows the system inside out and upside down. She should be in the administration now, but they royally screwed her out of it. Didn't even buy her dinner first. It was an ambush. She's come through it gracefully, though. T certainly doesn't buy the crap doled out by The Powers That Be!
U has T's back
They used to work together in that defunct division. U witnessed the travesties that happened to T. They're in it together. She's a sharp one, too. She's caught on to what I've taught her quickly. She hasn't realized yet that (1) sound carries in our offices and (2) she talks REALLY LOUD on the phone.
There's been a division of duties in our area, too. E and A are still joined at the hip, but their offices are separated by a floor and they have equal amounts of authority over their new areas. I've emerged as a content expert, after finally being allowed to do more of what I do best. That's when G made her challenge at me, and lost. I think E would have fired her, to my absolute and total glee, but A is softer than that. Ho hum.
I've become Queen of the Conferences, too. I actually come back with proof that I learned something, and sometimes I'm presenting a paper there. They figure it's money well spent. Unlike G, who came back from spending the company's money to say, "I didn't get anything from it." Three whole days and you didn't manage to get ANYTHING from it?! WTF?!
I had a ten-page report on what I got from it. She's an idiot.
Back to the grindstone. More later.
Blogget Jones
First of all, the personnel changes.
Y "The Short-Timer" is gone, as I mentioned previously. OCD is gone, too -- off to explore greener pastures.
Four new people have joined our disfunctional little family:
G of the "Intelligensia"
G is the newest one. I say "Intelligensia" not because I consider her among their number, but she certainly does. So many nice email discussions have come to a dead halt because she decided to respond in Latin or French, and it disgusted us into silence. We don't like show-offs.
In my experience with her, she has proven her incompetence repeatedly and persistently. For a kicker, she's also a liar and political maneuverer. She pulled a bunch of crap a couple of months ago, trying to take me down, but it all backfired in her face. See, I work above-board and within what I know my bosses will approve. Read: I cover my ass. She's an idiot. A Latin-French-speaking idiot.
B is cool
Really. He's a really smart, cool guy. Kinda cute, too. He's experiencing some bitter personal problems and they occasionally take him down for awhile, but he hangs in there. He's sharp and makes a good contribution, but doesn't buy the crap from The Powers That Be. Needs to wash his hair more often, but he's a good guy.
M is naive
M comes to us after retiring elsewhere, so he's used to being in administration. The Powers That Be have assigned such tasks to him, even though he's one of the new kids on this block. He's blind to the problems with The Powers That Be, and likes it that way.
A shake-up happened in our company, and one division was splintered and reassigned to other divisions. We got two new kids in our family because of that. They are:
T is for Tough Cookie
She's sharp as can be, knows the system inside out and upside down. She should be in the administration now, but they royally screwed her out of it. Didn't even buy her dinner first. It was an ambush. She's come through it gracefully, though. T certainly doesn't buy the crap doled out by The Powers That Be!
U has T's back
They used to work together in that defunct division. U witnessed the travesties that happened to T. They're in it together. She's a sharp one, too. She's caught on to what I've taught her quickly. She hasn't realized yet that (1) sound carries in our offices and (2) she talks REALLY LOUD on the phone.
There's been a division of duties in our area, too. E and A are still joined at the hip, but their offices are separated by a floor and they have equal amounts of authority over their new areas. I've emerged as a content expert, after finally being allowed to do more of what I do best. That's when G made her challenge at me, and lost. I think E would have fired her, to my absolute and total glee, but A is softer than that. Ho hum.
I've become Queen of the Conferences, too. I actually come back with proof that I learned something, and sometimes I'm presenting a paper there. They figure it's money well spent. Unlike G, who came back from spending the company's money to say, "I didn't get anything from it." Three whole days and you didn't manage to get ANYTHING from it?! WTF?!
I had a ten-page report on what I got from it. She's an idiot.
Back to the grindstone. More later.
Blogget Jones
The Dilemmas (Men) of Blogget Jones
Man, oh, man, time flies! I just noticed that it's been a loooooong time since I've updated my diary here. Apologies to anyone who was actually reading before! I'll do my best to catch you up and keep things current. Promise!
One thing at a time. Personal stuff, then work stuff later.
Personal stuff: Men. Mr. "I'm freaking out!" did eventually send me a message. Get this -- he asked why we ever fell out of touch. Can you believe that?! WTF is wrong with this guy? My response was short and not-so-sweet. I pretty much said it was because he couldn't handle it and I didn't push it, and I moved on. No more messages. Funny thing -- a curious Internet search revealed the possibility that he might have been married at the time, with kids. Great. What a jerk.
There was another brief jerk. All the things a girl loves to hear: "You're wonderful!" "You're beautiful!" "I can't wait to see you again!" Then...weeks of silence. Nothing. Finally, a message with a story I can't quite believe, but decide to leave alone. We make a date. It goes great. We make another. He stands me up. I get the story the next day -- another hard to swallow story. So, I do what I do best -- hit the Net. From that, I find out for sure that he's full of crap. This is the Information Age, people. Lies are easy to find. What a jerk.
Then there was the guy I met once, then he started text messaging me all the time. This guy barely knows me and he thinks it's a good idea to send me something that says just, "Booty Call!" all the time. He was shocked that I was insulted by that. Go figure. What a jerk.
Oh, then there's the guy I met for a lunch date once. He seemed into me, but he didn't impress me as my type at all. After lunch, he sends me an email that says, "I know you really wanted to kiss me. How about next time?" No, thanks. A couple of days later, I get an email from a woman I don't know. I'm one of about 20 recipients. She says she's engaged to this guy and found all of our names in his email address book. She wants us all to just be honest with her -- have any of us slept with him? Did any of us know about her? I wrote her back and said that I didn't know about her, but that I just had the one lunch with him and nothing more. No sex. She responded that it was good to hear that, but that at least 15 others had responded so far that they WERE sleeping with him and none of them knew about the others. I felt bad for her, and them. Wow, what a major jerk!
I have to backtrack here. Before all of these fine examples of manhood, I had been seeing the same guy for years. Then, he kinda fell apart and stopped managing his life. It fell to me, but that's not a grown-up relationship. So, we moved apart, but we still managed to see each other. I had dates with other guys and realized that these guys just couldn't love me like this other guy has, when things were good. He started working on getting his life back together. I finally give in totally one night. To make a long, really painful story short, 48 hours later, he gets drunk and sleeps with his neighbor.
NOTE: If you ever consider cheating on someone, be aware that the pain you'll inflict on them is profound and devastating. You just can't imagine the hurt and the torturous thoughts that they'll go through, possibly forever.
It's particularly bad when the one being cheated on has had others pull similar stunts in past relationships. The underlying feeling of being inadequate, or just "not enough," can be crippling emotionally. Cheating on them only reinforces and intensifies that feeling.
I found out about this because his behavior became strange with me. He later said it was guilt, not wanting to face me. I went to his place and this woman comes from another apartment, saying I don't have any reason to come by any more. She starts advancing on me, threatening. He about decks her, to stop her from coming near me, but lets her know that she'd have gotten her ass kicked by me if she'd followed that threat. I was in no mood for anyone's crap.
So, I heard the whole story. We went through a hard, hard week after that. He was saying he didn't realize that me being physically available to him meant that I was now emotionally available, too. He said he was drunk, and he wouldn't have done such a thing sober. He said he told her, right after it happened, that even if I left him forever, he wouldn't be with her. I was the woman he loved and nothing would change that.
Tell me, is it wrong for me to take pleasure in knowing he picked me over her, no matter what? See, she'd known him awhile. She knew he was in love with me. She'd been told by other neighbors to leave him be, that trying to take him from me would backfire on her. She persisted, anyhow. She wanted me to be mad enough to leave, so he'd go to her. It didn't happen that way. So, is it wrong for me to take pleasure in the idea that she sees him with me, and she knows she failed? It probably is, I know, but she isn't going to manipulate anyone while I'm around.
So, he and I decided to work on it. A few months later, I find that during our "off/on" time, he posted an Internet personals listing, saying some pretty mean things about me in it. That was hurtful, and I almost left. Maybe I'm too understanding, but figured that it was created during a time when things were rotten for us. He deleted it.
So, I live with the paranoia of having another incident, finding out about someone else. That's a daily struggle and I hate it. The problem is that I'll be just as paranoid about anyone else, forever. A couple of weeks ago, I found that he'd placed an ad at an "adult" site, for "erotic email" with someone out there. I confronted him. He said he was just horny that night and I wasn't available, and he didn't consider email as personal contact. It's faceless, after all, like reading porn.
I was understandably upset.
We've talked about it a lot since then. That day, I hated him for the first time ever. I was furious and hurt. I wanted to hurt him back. I told him that my relationships seem to prove again and again that I'm just not enough for the men in my life. I never have been. Even though I feel condemned to not being enough, I still hold to that ideal of having a relationship in which I am enough for that man, and he loves being with just me.
He said I *am* enough, that he was just being selfish and stupid. I'm not sure that's enough for me.
So, we are still together, but it's shaky. He knows that I am not sure it'll work out. He knows I don't trust him. He knows that, despite his reassurances, I feel inadequate. He knows that I need to feel that I'm better than adequate and that I'm loved enough to not hurt. He know that if I find someone who might be a chance at that type of love, I'll most likely take it.
He wants to be that person to me, but I just don't know if he has it in him. I wish he would. I've wished that for a long time because we're a great match otherwise. He keeps up with me intellectually, listens to me, supports me, and cares when it seems no one else does. But he also lets me down more than anyone else.
I went to a conference recently, and seemed to catch the eye of a colleague -- who lives half a continent away. I bumped into an old classmate last night, and seemed to catch a spark from him, too. So, what will happen? I just don't know. All I know is that I seem to find an ache in my chest no matter what solution I consider.
More on my work life later. I actually need to do some of it.... ;o)
Thanks for reading!
Blogget Jones
One thing at a time. Personal stuff, then work stuff later.
Personal stuff: Men. Mr. "I'm freaking out!" did eventually send me a message. Get this -- he asked why we ever fell out of touch. Can you believe that?! WTF is wrong with this guy? My response was short and not-so-sweet. I pretty much said it was because he couldn't handle it and I didn't push it, and I moved on. No more messages. Funny thing -- a curious Internet search revealed the possibility that he might have been married at the time, with kids. Great. What a jerk.
There was another brief jerk. All the things a girl loves to hear: "You're wonderful!" "You're beautiful!" "I can't wait to see you again!" Then...weeks of silence. Nothing. Finally, a message with a story I can't quite believe, but decide to leave alone. We make a date. It goes great. We make another. He stands me up. I get the story the next day -- another hard to swallow story. So, I do what I do best -- hit the Net. From that, I find out for sure that he's full of crap. This is the Information Age, people. Lies are easy to find. What a jerk.
Then there was the guy I met once, then he started text messaging me all the time. This guy barely knows me and he thinks it's a good idea to send me something that says just, "Booty Call!" all the time. He was shocked that I was insulted by that. Go figure. What a jerk.
Oh, then there's the guy I met for a lunch date once. He seemed into me, but he didn't impress me as my type at all. After lunch, he sends me an email that says, "I know you really wanted to kiss me. How about next time?" No, thanks. A couple of days later, I get an email from a woman I don't know. I'm one of about 20 recipients. She says she's engaged to this guy and found all of our names in his email address book. She wants us all to just be honest with her -- have any of us slept with him? Did any of us know about her? I wrote her back and said that I didn't know about her, but that I just had the one lunch with him and nothing more. No sex. She responded that it was good to hear that, but that at least 15 others had responded so far that they WERE sleeping with him and none of them knew about the others. I felt bad for her, and them. Wow, what a major jerk!
I have to backtrack here. Before all of these fine examples of manhood, I had been seeing the same guy for years. Then, he kinda fell apart and stopped managing his life. It fell to me, but that's not a grown-up relationship. So, we moved apart, but we still managed to see each other. I had dates with other guys and realized that these guys just couldn't love me like this other guy has, when things were good. He started working on getting his life back together. I finally give in totally one night. To make a long, really painful story short, 48 hours later, he gets drunk and sleeps with his neighbor.
NOTE: If you ever consider cheating on someone, be aware that the pain you'll inflict on them is profound and devastating. You just can't imagine the hurt and the torturous thoughts that they'll go through, possibly forever.
It's particularly bad when the one being cheated on has had others pull similar stunts in past relationships. The underlying feeling of being inadequate, or just "not enough," can be crippling emotionally. Cheating on them only reinforces and intensifies that feeling.
I found out about this because his behavior became strange with me. He later said it was guilt, not wanting to face me. I went to his place and this woman comes from another apartment, saying I don't have any reason to come by any more. She starts advancing on me, threatening. He about decks her, to stop her from coming near me, but lets her know that she'd have gotten her ass kicked by me if she'd followed that threat. I was in no mood for anyone's crap.
So, I heard the whole story. We went through a hard, hard week after that. He was saying he didn't realize that me being physically available to him meant that I was now emotionally available, too. He said he was drunk, and he wouldn't have done such a thing sober. He said he told her, right after it happened, that even if I left him forever, he wouldn't be with her. I was the woman he loved and nothing would change that.
Tell me, is it wrong for me to take pleasure in knowing he picked me over her, no matter what? See, she'd known him awhile. She knew he was in love with me. She'd been told by other neighbors to leave him be, that trying to take him from me would backfire on her. She persisted, anyhow. She wanted me to be mad enough to leave, so he'd go to her. It didn't happen that way. So, is it wrong for me to take pleasure in the idea that she sees him with me, and she knows she failed? It probably is, I know, but she isn't going to manipulate anyone while I'm around.
So, he and I decided to work on it. A few months later, I find that during our "off/on" time, he posted an Internet personals listing, saying some pretty mean things about me in it. That was hurtful, and I almost left. Maybe I'm too understanding, but figured that it was created during a time when things were rotten for us. He deleted it.
So, I live with the paranoia of having another incident, finding out about someone else. That's a daily struggle and I hate it. The problem is that I'll be just as paranoid about anyone else, forever. A couple of weeks ago, I found that he'd placed an ad at an "adult" site, for "erotic email" with someone out there. I confronted him. He said he was just horny that night and I wasn't available, and he didn't consider email as personal contact. It's faceless, after all, like reading porn.
I was understandably upset.
We've talked about it a lot since then. That day, I hated him for the first time ever. I was furious and hurt. I wanted to hurt him back. I told him that my relationships seem to prove again and again that I'm just not enough for the men in my life. I never have been. Even though I feel condemned to not being enough, I still hold to that ideal of having a relationship in which I am enough for that man, and he loves being with just me.
He said I *am* enough, that he was just being selfish and stupid. I'm not sure that's enough for me.
So, we are still together, but it's shaky. He knows that I am not sure it'll work out. He knows I don't trust him. He knows that, despite his reassurances, I feel inadequate. He knows that I need to feel that I'm better than adequate and that I'm loved enough to not hurt. He know that if I find someone who might be a chance at that type of love, I'll most likely take it.
He wants to be that person to me, but I just don't know if he has it in him. I wish he would. I've wished that for a long time because we're a great match otherwise. He keeps up with me intellectually, listens to me, supports me, and cares when it seems no one else does. But he also lets me down more than anyone else.
I went to a conference recently, and seemed to catch the eye of a colleague -- who lives half a continent away. I bumped into an old classmate last night, and seemed to catch a spark from him, too. So, what will happen? I just don't know. All I know is that I seem to find an ache in my chest no matter what solution I consider.
More on my work life later. I actually need to do some of it.... ;o)
Thanks for reading!
Blogget Jones
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Let's set the stage, in my workplace. We have 9 people at the moment. I'm using initials to protect the ones who are actually worse than I'm saying. I'm not saying exactly what we do, so no one recognizes us.
The Powers That Be
E and A are connected at the hip. At least A wishes they were. They've worked together a long time and A always has wanted a up-close-and-personal relationship, while E is indifferent and power-minded. A is technically the boss, but E does the hard stuff. And gets whatever he wants by exploiting the feelings of A. It's *messed up*. E has even had a reported affair with a married coworker. He continues to flirt with very young, brunette, married coworkers.
The two above have managed to set themselves apart of the working social circle. It didn't used to be that way, but their need for ultimate control has caused a split, as no one trusts them.
Our Two Moms
Okay, that sounds gay and it's not. One is married (R) and the other isn't (N). We're fortunate to have two caretakers in our midst. R takes care emotionally, by using her friendship with A to speak her mind when things are not right. This isn't always the wisest move, but she still trusts A with it all, so there you have it. Just watch what you say to R, if it's not for A's ears. The other Mom is N. She feeds us - an important prerequisite for new hires. If I understand correctly, she really was asked if she can cook when she interviewed here. She brings us birthday parties (cake!!) and comfort food (some chicken concoction called "sopa").
The Short-Timer
She's the youngest here and will be called Y. You'll not see much mention of her as she's gone in a week's time and has been here about a year. She fits the flirt profile for E and he about trips over himself to talk to her, hassle her. She's a good one, though. None of that is her fault.
The Brain
She's a sharp one. Need to know anything about the Web? Call L. She knows it all and has it together. A bad marriage has burned her, so she's single. She's a humble, quiet one, known for her uniform of jeans and a flannel.
The Ultimate Brain
We'll call this one K. He knows it all. A walking encyclopedia of everything. If a University would just sit and talk to him for an afternoon, they'd grant him a doctorate by the end of the day. K's mind is lightning-fast and misses nothing. He's intensely private, with only fleeting mentions of a girlfriend.
OCD
Meet D, our resident Yankee from NYC. He was "there" on 9/11/01. D has a biting, dry wit....and some control issues. He's OCD to us for his extreme organizational practices. It's an Olympic sport for this guy. He's engaged to a quirky young thing who suits him just fine,
Moviegoer Extraordinaire
S is found at the movies about every weekend. He's a walking reviewer, most of the time. Great guy, in stature and personality. He's gay, but he makes no issue of it. He holds multiple degrees and is very knowlegeable in his job. The only thing you have to remember is that he's tight with A.
My workplace, in all its glory. Stories to follow. Film at 11.
The Powers That Be
E and A are connected at the hip. At least A wishes they were. They've worked together a long time and A always has wanted a up-close-and-personal relationship, while E is indifferent and power-minded. A is technically the boss, but E does the hard stuff. And gets whatever he wants by exploiting the feelings of A. It's *messed up*. E has even had a reported affair with a married coworker. He continues to flirt with very young, brunette, married coworkers.
The two above have managed to set themselves apart of the working social circle. It didn't used to be that way, but their need for ultimate control has caused a split, as no one trusts them.
Our Two Moms
Okay, that sounds gay and it's not. One is married (R) and the other isn't (N). We're fortunate to have two caretakers in our midst. R takes care emotionally, by using her friendship with A to speak her mind when things are not right. This isn't always the wisest move, but she still trusts A with it all, so there you have it. Just watch what you say to R, if it's not for A's ears. The other Mom is N. She feeds us - an important prerequisite for new hires. If I understand correctly, she really was asked if she can cook when she interviewed here. She brings us birthday parties (cake!!) and comfort food (some chicken concoction called "sopa").
The Short-Timer
She's the youngest here and will be called Y. You'll not see much mention of her as she's gone in a week's time and has been here about a year. She fits the flirt profile for E and he about trips over himself to talk to her, hassle her. She's a good one, though. None of that is her fault.
The Brain
She's a sharp one. Need to know anything about the Web? Call L. She knows it all and has it together. A bad marriage has burned her, so she's single. She's a humble, quiet one, known for her uniform of jeans and a flannel.
The Ultimate Brain
We'll call this one K. He knows it all. A walking encyclopedia of everything. If a University would just sit and talk to him for an afternoon, they'd grant him a doctorate by the end of the day. K's mind is lightning-fast and misses nothing. He's intensely private, with only fleeting mentions of a girlfriend.
OCD
Meet D, our resident Yankee from NYC. He was "there" on 9/11/01. D has a biting, dry wit....and some control issues. He's OCD to us for his extreme organizational practices. It's an Olympic sport for this guy. He's engaged to a quirky young thing who suits him just fine,
Moviegoer Extraordinaire
S is found at the movies about every weekend. He's a walking reviewer, most of the time. Great guy, in stature and personality. He's gay, but he makes no issue of it. He holds multiple degrees and is very knowlegeable in his job. The only thing you have to remember is that he's tight with A.
My workplace, in all its glory. Stories to follow. Film at 11.
Okay, it was about as bad as I feared. I'm between a rock and a hard place. They ask, "Are we being fair?" Of course, they are not, but you're pretty well gagged. You can't argue a word or you become the target. YOU are the difficult one, the insubordination, the troublemaker. YOU must be terminated, and then it starts.
So, how can you answer that question? You can't. At the moment, nothing is fair.
Besides this lovely work situation (and I know - all workplaces have these political games), I've taken a bit of a beating lately.
Two men have crossed my path lately. You've read about one. Not Fair Situation #2, there. I think the jerk, for all of his "I really want you as my friend, while I work this out," is ignoring me. I used to see him online almosy daily, but now -- never. ANother clear illustration that yes indeedy my trust was misplaced. Weasel and a liar, that one. I wouldn't want a mental case in my life anyhow (been there, done that, have the emotional dings to prove it), but it smarts to be lied to.
Not Fair situation #3: Want you, need you, ignore you. Again. I go out with this guy, it goes great, we talk about seeing each other again and....nothing. Probably better that way, as he's a jock and I'm....well, not. I'm much more of a thinker and I need a brain to talk with. Not to -- with. No talking is happening now, though, because either he's too busy (very possible) or he's ignoring me, too.
Not Fair situation #4: I know the perfect man for me. I've met him, talked with him. But get this -- he has a girlfriend. Great.
Not Fair situation #5: My best friend's father died. 'Nuff said? A girl needs her Daddy.
I'm in an understandable funk today. It's miserable. Dammit, I'm a spectacular companion. Not exaggerating here and I do not have a large ego, just for the record. I just work really hard at making people happy. Not smothering - I know where the line is and that's what makes me good. I listen, learn, and provide what's most wanted. It's a knack I have. Ask anyone I buy presents for. I work at it.
I'm also damn good at my job. I don't appreciate anyone trying to make me look incompetent. I'll set that right somehow, but it's gotta be without becoming a target.
Dang, why do people have to be so very difficult?!?!
So, how can you answer that question? You can't. At the moment, nothing is fair.
Besides this lovely work situation (and I know - all workplaces have these political games), I've taken a bit of a beating lately.
Two men have crossed my path lately. You've read about one. Not Fair Situation #2, there. I think the jerk, for all of his "I really want you as my friend, while I work this out," is ignoring me. I used to see him online almosy daily, but now -- never. ANother clear illustration that yes indeedy my trust was misplaced. Weasel and a liar, that one. I wouldn't want a mental case in my life anyhow (been there, done that, have the emotional dings to prove it), but it smarts to be lied to.
Not Fair situation #3: Want you, need you, ignore you. Again. I go out with this guy, it goes great, we talk about seeing each other again and....nothing. Probably better that way, as he's a jock and I'm....well, not. I'm much more of a thinker and I need a brain to talk with. Not to -- with. No talking is happening now, though, because either he's too busy (very possible) or he's ignoring me, too.
Not Fair situation #4: I know the perfect man for me. I've met him, talked with him. But get this -- he has a girlfriend. Great.
Not Fair situation #5: My best friend's father died. 'Nuff said? A girl needs her Daddy.
I'm in an understandable funk today. It's miserable. Dammit, I'm a spectacular companion. Not exaggerating here and I do not have a large ego, just for the record. I just work really hard at making people happy. Not smothering - I know where the line is and that's what makes me good. I listen, learn, and provide what's most wanted. It's a knack I have. Ask anyone I buy presents for. I work at it.
I'm also damn good at my job. I don't appreciate anyone trying to make me look incompetent. I'll set that right somehow, but it's gotta be without becoming a target.
Dang, why do people have to be so very difficult?!?!
Monday, March 22, 2004
Let the cursing begin!
Actually, I'm not a cursing person, but if I were.....
In 10 minutes, I'm meeting with 1/2 of the Powers That Be here (at work). I'm bracing myself for a good ol' raking over the coals, which is going to piss me off, but I can't say anything because I want to keep my job. I'm going to be accused of being less than competent, when I was thrown into an impossible situation.
Buckle up, ego. It's going to be a bumpy ride. And I'm more than a little scared, truth be told.....
(help!)
Actually, I'm not a cursing person, but if I were.....
In 10 minutes, I'm meeting with 1/2 of the Powers That Be here (at work). I'm bracing myself for a good ol' raking over the coals, which is going to piss me off, but I can't say anything because I want to keep my job. I'm going to be accused of being less than competent, when I was thrown into an impossible situation.
Buckle up, ego. It's going to be a bumpy ride. And I'm more than a little scared, truth be told.....
(help!)
Friday, March 19, 2004
Feels like the "old days" today, which funny enough weren't that long ago. Office seems happy and content this a.m. Birthday eats - always a good thing. Hilarity in email - even the bosses participated. Chatted, snacked, whistle-while-you-work, and all that good rot. Even worked a little.
Fog outside. Due to be hot today (86 -- gross).
Later.
Fog outside. Due to be hot today (86 -- gross).
Later.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
The ol' ego is taking a beating lately.... What a strange world this Internet is! Someone told me the other day that it's the new meeting place for the millennium. Could be.
Anyhow, tonight I'm wondering about honesty. Where is it hiding? Integrity is with it, I think. Advice to anyone who decides to not pursue a particular friendship or romance:
Don't make empty promises or say anything to imply a future.
Don't just ignore that other person. They need to know what's what. If you've changed your mind, then you just have. But don't leave them to question what they said or did, or if they looked wrong or sounded wrong or f*cked wrong, or whatever. Let 'em know, so no more time is wasted (reference earlier blog rant).
Here's another honesty tip: just answer the question. The story:
I'm busying my happy little self online when I get a delightful series of IM's from....let's say J. J is a personable guy, we think alike, have a lot in common. He's fun. He says, "Ask me anything! The bolder the better!" I ask why a strapping young man such as himself doesn't have a girlfriend around. His answer?
"LOL, No. Wife."
Wife. Ah-ha. My mood sinks. Dang I hate it when guys are cheating. He says to move on with the questions. He says, "Can I answer this tomorrow?" When asked why, he says he has to go, but that I was "cool to meet" and that he hoped to chat again soon. He even apologized for the awkward subject.
But the damage is done. I don't trust him. He has a wife and is chatting me up. No matter the sitch there, that's not cool. Don't wanna be married? Then don't be married. But don't expect any jollies from me when you have a wife who needs your attention more. And if she doesn't, then don't be married.
Any way you slice it, cheating is wrong.
So, I'm disappointed. He was turning into a nice guy to chat with. Lots in common ... a good friend, at least. Then that. Dang.
Time to drag my tired butt to bed. Be good, y'all.
Anyhow, tonight I'm wondering about honesty. Where is it hiding? Integrity is with it, I think. Advice to anyone who decides to not pursue a particular friendship or romance:
Don't make empty promises or say anything to imply a future.
Don't just ignore that other person. They need to know what's what. If you've changed your mind, then you just have. But don't leave them to question what they said or did, or if they looked wrong or sounded wrong or f*cked wrong, or whatever. Let 'em know, so no more time is wasted (reference earlier blog rant).
Here's another honesty tip: just answer the question. The story:
I'm busying my happy little self online when I get a delightful series of IM's from....let's say J. J is a personable guy, we think alike, have a lot in common. He's fun. He says, "Ask me anything! The bolder the better!" I ask why a strapping young man such as himself doesn't have a girlfriend around. His answer?
"LOL, No. Wife."
Wife. Ah-ha. My mood sinks. Dang I hate it when guys are cheating. He says to move on with the questions. He says, "Can I answer this tomorrow?" When asked why, he says he has to go, but that I was "cool to meet" and that he hoped to chat again soon. He even apologized for the awkward subject.
But the damage is done. I don't trust him. He has a wife and is chatting me up. No matter the sitch there, that's not cool. Don't wanna be married? Then don't be married. But don't expect any jollies from me when you have a wife who needs your attention more. And if she doesn't, then don't be married.
Any way you slice it, cheating is wrong.
So, I'm disappointed. He was turning into a nice guy to chat with. Lots in common ... a good friend, at least. Then that. Dang.
Time to drag my tired butt to bed. Be good, y'all.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
So, I said earlier that the Internet now allows a guy to forgo the polite preliminaries and just say "Wanna f*ck." A few months ago, I get a really nice, respectful, intelligent message from this guy and let him know how much I appreciated that approach. We've had some good conversations since then, discussed a lot of common interests, joked around -- you know. We flirted, but he didn't degrade it to "What's your bra size?" or any such nonsense. A nice, smart guy.
So, he gives me his phone number, says to please call. I'm shy about that, so I don't. He says he'd like to meet me. He suggests one day and I can't go. I suggest another. We make plans to meet at a cafe. Casual. Relaxed. No pressure.
The day before, his car breaks down. He leaves me a phone message about it and asks to reschedule. I try to call him back, but have to leave a voicemail. Over two days, I try twice more, then give up. My gut speaks -- the sucker is dodging me. He asked for all of this, and he's dodging me.
So, this morning I get a message, finally. But it's online. He's not ready to take out friendship further and he was surprised to feel "invaded" by my calls.
WTF?!?!?!
I had an online conversation with him about this. I was understandably upset. He gave me his phone number. He asked me out. He left a message for me to return. However, me accepting those things is somehow wrong. He wants to be my friend while he figures out why he is nearly 40 and can't maintain a relationship. Then, I suppose he expects to go out with me and see if he's fixed the problem.
Does any of this sound fair? Right? Does anyone else feel I have a right to be at least miffed about this?
This attitude is exactly what I hate about a lot of romance movies:
"I like you."
"I like you, too."
"Let's go out."
"Yes, let's."
"I think I'm falling in love."
"So do I."
"WAIT! I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN! I'M FREAKING OUT!" This person hides, afraid to be happy, afraid to just let it all happen without beating it to death with a wringing of hands and ulcer-burning worry.
The second person moons about the rest of the movie, dealing with having their heart shoved up their nose.
This is apparently similar to the same routine this guy puts people through, except with me he did that at the "Let's go out" stage. L-o-v-e-l-y.
I suppose I'm fortunate that he thinks enough of me to not want to do that to me, further down the road. The whole attitude makes me ill, though, as it does in those movies. I get so sick of the emotional cripple routine. Dang, people, GROW UP!
So, here's the point I'm getting at (finally): Life is way too short to waste it on ringing your hands and fussing until the whole experience passes you by. Let yourself LOVE and be LOVED. Be INVOLVED in someone. Okay, sometimes it hurts. Life hurts. It's not pretty and clean, with smooth edges. This is what hones us into individuals. Live and learn. Don't shut yourself down and waste the whole trip.
So, the ball is in his court. If he wants to talk, he can call or email. I'm not doing another stinkin' thing. Warning to him (and those in similar mindsets): wring your hands too long and bury your head in the sand too deep, and I'll be GONE. When you come to, you'll find I'm no longer there. I'm not wasting my life on waiting.
I'm a pretty spectacular partner, in so many ways. Someone out there will appreciate that and reciprocate it, if he doesn't. So, snooze you lose, bud. Life is too damned short.
Goodnight folks. If your sheets are cold, figure out why and find a way to remedy that, for good and without wasting time.
So, he gives me his phone number, says to please call. I'm shy about that, so I don't. He says he'd like to meet me. He suggests one day and I can't go. I suggest another. We make plans to meet at a cafe. Casual. Relaxed. No pressure.
The day before, his car breaks down. He leaves me a phone message about it and asks to reschedule. I try to call him back, but have to leave a voicemail. Over two days, I try twice more, then give up. My gut speaks -- the sucker is dodging me. He asked for all of this, and he's dodging me.
So, this morning I get a message, finally. But it's online. He's not ready to take out friendship further and he was surprised to feel "invaded" by my calls.
WTF?!?!?!
I had an online conversation with him about this. I was understandably upset. He gave me his phone number. He asked me out. He left a message for me to return. However, me accepting those things is somehow wrong. He wants to be my friend while he figures out why he is nearly 40 and can't maintain a relationship. Then, I suppose he expects to go out with me and see if he's fixed the problem.
Does any of this sound fair? Right? Does anyone else feel I have a right to be at least miffed about this?
This attitude is exactly what I hate about a lot of romance movies:
"I like you."
"I like you, too."
"Let's go out."
"Yes, let's."
"I think I'm falling in love."
"So do I."
"WAIT! I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN! I'M FREAKING OUT!" This person hides, afraid to be happy, afraid to just let it all happen without beating it to death with a wringing of hands and ulcer-burning worry.
The second person moons about the rest of the movie, dealing with having their heart shoved up their nose.
This is apparently similar to the same routine this guy puts people through, except with me he did that at the "Let's go out" stage. L-o-v-e-l-y.
I suppose I'm fortunate that he thinks enough of me to not want to do that to me, further down the road. The whole attitude makes me ill, though, as it does in those movies. I get so sick of the emotional cripple routine. Dang, people, GROW UP!
So, here's the point I'm getting at (finally): Life is way too short to waste it on ringing your hands and fussing until the whole experience passes you by. Let yourself LOVE and be LOVED. Be INVOLVED in someone. Okay, sometimes it hurts. Life hurts. It's not pretty and clean, with smooth edges. This is what hones us into individuals. Live and learn. Don't shut yourself down and waste the whole trip.
So, the ball is in his court. If he wants to talk, he can call or email. I'm not doing another stinkin' thing. Warning to him (and those in similar mindsets): wring your hands too long and bury your head in the sand too deep, and I'll be GONE. When you come to, you'll find I'm no longer there. I'm not wasting my life on waiting.
I'm a pretty spectacular partner, in so many ways. Someone out there will appreciate that and reciprocate it, if he doesn't. So, snooze you lose, bud. Life is too damned short.
Goodnight folks. If your sheets are cold, figure out why and find a way to remedy that, for good and without wasting time.
Friday, March 05, 2004
WARNING: RANT AHEAD
I switched jobs last year. It was my ideal job -- right up my alley, in line with my skills, and with people whose thought processes were sometimes even harder to follow than mine. Do you have any idea how totally ecstatic I was to find that? These people are smart. I mean mind-boggling scary smart. Their wit is as sharp as their intellect. But I digress again. You'll hear more about that along the way, I'm sure. The point is that it's been a womderful place to work and I've loved coming to work. I escaped the corporate world to come here and it's like Wonderland to me.
Then, it changed.
Strange things happen to people when they get a bit of power. Some revel in it and handle it beautifully. Others liken leadership to control. That's what's happened here. Control issues runneth over.
I'll not bore you with the dynamics of our leadership, but to say it's twisted is like saying the Menendez brothers tended towards tantrums. This came to light, for me (earlier for those more entrenched here), when one of us underlings crossed one of the power-trippers. A concentrated effort was made to dissect him away from us, like a cancer. Then the controls came -- stopping just short of a time clock. They say it's not to document things for termination, but it sure looks like it, smells like it, and quacks like it.
Why am I ranting about this now? Because I just had another ridiculous example in my face. Their efforts of control have complicated things for us with the addition of new and ridiculous procedures. It should be noted that these procedures actually detract from work time, make meetings longer, and generally hinder progress and breed resentment. So, we are all trying to learn how to perform one particular nuisance of a task and we aren't even sure it's going to work. Four people trying to learn, while accomplishing this task. I watched them hover over it, work out the steps, see how it works. Before it could be completed, here comes a power-tripper.
"It doesn't take four people to do this," she says, this woman who had once been a source of encouragement.
"We're trying to figure out how it works," one protests.
"Then one person figure it out and teach it to the rest. Go back to your offices."
I hear the shackles scrape across the floor as they make their way back to their cubbyholes, dejected and resentful. It's 4:40 PM on a Friday. 5 more minutes and the task would have been done.
Maybe they were having too good of a time at it -- joy seems to be a major irritant to the power-trippers. I suppose my resentment would be less if these were low-producing people. However, they are hard workers, all of them. They keep this building moving and they are excellent at their jobs. Some have gone because of how things have changed; more still are considering the options. The ones who are left ar over-burdened by the lack of a full staff.
But heaven forbid 5 minutes of laughter be spared, at the end of the day on a Friday. How sad. And what a royal pain in the ass.
I switched jobs last year. It was my ideal job -- right up my alley, in line with my skills, and with people whose thought processes were sometimes even harder to follow than mine. Do you have any idea how totally ecstatic I was to find that? These people are smart. I mean mind-boggling scary smart. Their wit is as sharp as their intellect. But I digress again. You'll hear more about that along the way, I'm sure. The point is that it's been a womderful place to work and I've loved coming to work. I escaped the corporate world to come here and it's like Wonderland to me.
Then, it changed.
Strange things happen to people when they get a bit of power. Some revel in it and handle it beautifully. Others liken leadership to control. That's what's happened here. Control issues runneth over.
I'll not bore you with the dynamics of our leadership, but to say it's twisted is like saying the Menendez brothers tended towards tantrums. This came to light, for me (earlier for those more entrenched here), when one of us underlings crossed one of the power-trippers. A concentrated effort was made to dissect him away from us, like a cancer. Then the controls came -- stopping just short of a time clock. They say it's not to document things for termination, but it sure looks like it, smells like it, and quacks like it.
Why am I ranting about this now? Because I just had another ridiculous example in my face. Their efforts of control have complicated things for us with the addition of new and ridiculous procedures. It should be noted that these procedures actually detract from work time, make meetings longer, and generally hinder progress and breed resentment. So, we are all trying to learn how to perform one particular nuisance of a task and we aren't even sure it's going to work. Four people trying to learn, while accomplishing this task. I watched them hover over it, work out the steps, see how it works. Before it could be completed, here comes a power-tripper.
"It doesn't take four people to do this," she says, this woman who had once been a source of encouragement.
"We're trying to figure out how it works," one protests.
"Then one person figure it out and teach it to the rest. Go back to your offices."
I hear the shackles scrape across the floor as they make their way back to their cubbyholes, dejected and resentful. It's 4:40 PM on a Friday. 5 more minutes and the task would have been done.
Maybe they were having too good of a time at it -- joy seems to be a major irritant to the power-trippers. I suppose my resentment would be less if these were low-producing people. However, they are hard workers, all of them. They keep this building moving and they are excellent at their jobs. Some have gone because of how things have changed; more still are considering the options. The ones who are left ar over-burdened by the lack of a full staff.
But heaven forbid 5 minutes of laughter be spared, at the end of the day on a Friday. How sad. And what a royal pain in the ass.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
So, in the beginning there's me -- Blogget Jones. Annoying (by design) alarm wakes me....and wakes me....and wakes me.... Snooze buttons are the bane of my existence. In the gray light of morning, anyway. I leave myself enough time to cozy in under my quilts and watch the latest "Local on the 8's" before dragging my butt to the shower. Sometimes I brave the scale.
Today was a tiny relief -- 1 pound down, after eating like an idiot yesterday. Maybe I did better today. Maybe.
Listen to my get-your-blood-pumping rock 'n' roll in the shower, try to make some rhyme and reason of my hair, then wake the family.
Important point #1 - "family" does not include a warm body under those cozy quilts. No hubby. Anymore. My choice, without proclaiming the details here. I've had two offers since then, but....no. I have two people who depend on me and anyone I bring into their lives needs to be *stable*.
And why is that so hard to find? Have I mentioned yet that I really hate the dating scene? The Internet has added a lovely dimension, don't you think? Now, a guy doesn't have to worry about that ol' slap in the face if he's rude. He can just send you a quickie IM and say those sweet nothings: "Wanna f**k?" And the worst that happens is he gets ignored.
Of course, some think they have some finesse to that process. They don't say such things immediately. They butter you up with, "Hello." and "How are you?" and "What are you up to this evening?" Then they close in with the smoothest of them all...."So, what do you do for fun?" READ: "Wanna f**k?"
::sigh:: Sure, I want to. Everyone wants to. But will I? No. Why? Because there's more to me than that.
So, I continue in my search for the man who has eyes I can fall into, a voice that caresses, a body that protects, a soul that is humble, a heart that longs to make me smile, a mouth that speaks truth and consideration, ears that listen and learn, hands that are equally well-equipped for giving and receiving, and a mind that is crisp, clear, open, and searching.
And taller than 5'10".
Is that so much to ask?!
Allrighty then. I digressed big time. Goodnight world. More another time. Soon.
Today was a tiny relief -- 1 pound down, after eating like an idiot yesterday. Maybe I did better today. Maybe.
Listen to my get-your-blood-pumping rock 'n' roll in the shower, try to make some rhyme and reason of my hair, then wake the family.
Important point #1 - "family" does not include a warm body under those cozy quilts. No hubby. Anymore. My choice, without proclaiming the details here. I've had two offers since then, but....no. I have two people who depend on me and anyone I bring into their lives needs to be *stable*.
And why is that so hard to find? Have I mentioned yet that I really hate the dating scene? The Internet has added a lovely dimension, don't you think? Now, a guy doesn't have to worry about that ol' slap in the face if he's rude. He can just send you a quickie IM and say those sweet nothings: "Wanna f**k?" And the worst that happens is he gets ignored.
Of course, some think they have some finesse to that process. They don't say such things immediately. They butter you up with, "Hello." and "How are you?" and "What are you up to this evening?" Then they close in with the smoothest of them all...."So, what do you do for fun?" READ: "Wanna f**k?"
::sigh:: Sure, I want to. Everyone wants to. But will I? No. Why? Because there's more to me than that.
So, I continue in my search for the man who has eyes I can fall into, a voice that caresses, a body that protects, a soul that is humble, a heart that longs to make me smile, a mouth that speaks truth and consideration, ears that listen and learn, hands that are equally well-equipped for giving and receiving, and a mind that is crisp, clear, open, and searching.
And taller than 5'10".
Is that so much to ask?!
Allrighty then. I digressed big time. Goodnight world. More another time. Soon.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
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