Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Blogget "Effed Up" Jones

Time to bite the bullet and take the plunge. I'm about to show my most unflattering, insecure side...and I know it ain't pretty. But my head's full, my heart is heavy, and that's what a diary is for, eh?

I mentioned before that Boyfriend cheated on me, about a year and a half ago. I believe he tried before, years ago, with a woman he worked with. She was a pea-brain, though, and left messages for him on the voicemail we shared. "I'm sorry I can't see you tonight. I really wanted to." And so forth. He said nothing happened. I think it didn't happen because I got the messages first. She left town for long time, but when she returned, who did she call? Yeah, see? You're already smarter than she was.

Being cheated on is a really heavy blow, for more reasons than I can say. (And I can't say because rehashing it makes me relive it.) We were having a rocky time back then, but we'd been together for a really good date less than 48 hours before he slept with her. Later, I found out he'd been cultivating that relationship behind my back, even playing with her kid.

Long, infuriating story short: He and I decided to work it out. The healing probably would have gone much more quickly and much smoother if other incidents hadn't happened.

For instance, I found a profile he posted on an Internet dating site during our "rocky" time. His list of "favorites" there was pretty disgusting. I mean, how much of a lady do you have to be to spread 'em for the camera and post it on the Web? The most hurtful thing was that he used it as a forum for saying terrible things about me and our relationship -- and I might add, things he admits weren't true. He said later that he was just upset when he wrote it.

I should clue you in to something here. I'm really, REALLY good at finding things on the Internet. I'm also REALLY good at guessing his passwords. He's predictable that way, and I know him really well. For him to post at all was monumentally stupid. For me to break into it was easy. I changed the email addy and password long enough to hold it as proof, after he tried to deny it. Then, I deleted the account.

He also has a habit of flirting with other women, in front of me. Nothing says lovin' like watching your fella fawn after some cute thing hustling for tips. He's told me about women hitting on him and he tells them, "My girlfriend will kill you if we do anything."

Did you notice the problem there? I'm sure you did because we've alrady established that you're smart.

He doesn't say, "I love my girlfriend and don't want you." I've noticed, too. We're both smart, you and I.

So, you're wondering, hey Blogget, what's the draw with this guy? Here it is: I'm not an easy person to be with. I'm hard to match. It's not that I'm difficult, because I really do take care of my man like no one else will. But I also have other constraints and commitments in my life that make it hard to date and hang out like couples often do. It takes an understanding and patient person to tolerate the unpredictability.

Also, I'm bored with dim guys. Heck, I'm bored with some smart guys. I need witty reparte! I need conversations with meat to them! I need literacy (an alarmingly difficult attribute to find these days)! I need someone of substance. I'm a strong-willed woman of substance, a force to be reckoned with! He has to be able to take me. This guy can take me. And he likes to take care of me and be sweet to me.

I just don't know if he can be faithful to me.

A month ago, I found his profile on AdultFriendFinder.com. I broke into it (I told you this stuff was easy). Phrases burned my eyes.
"Email/Erotic chat only"
"No strings attached!"
"I'm bored to tears with my current relationship."

My heart sank. It still hasn't recovered. He let me down. Again. The disappointment and ache is palpable.

I confronted him. This time, he didn't do it out of being angry or upset. He was just horny. That's it. Just horny, and I wasn't good enough to talk to just then. Such a base and crude reason.

"I didn't realize you were 'bored to tears'," I said.
"Not really. I just wanted to try something different."
"Have I ever denied you? Ever turned you away?"
"No. Me being bored isn't your fault. I just haven't asked about some things."

I'm baffled at this. He knows some of my history. He knows I'm, to be completely honest with everyone here, pretty much insatiable.

So, I don't understand that whole thing. The need to post at all. The need to make it personal. The need to lie. And the ability to actually do all of it. That's what makes it hard to get over.

Last night, he called at 10:30 and I had to call him back. 15 minutes later, he's not answering. All night, he's not answering. What's the excuse this time? Fell asleep? Forgot the ringer?

No. He got drunk watching Monday Night Football and it put him out.

I'm sorry -- how old are we?

I'm getting sick of it all, and I have to wonder a few things. Can he redeem himself enough to be trusted again? HOW can he accomplish that? Will I ever accept what he says at face value?

When will it come crashing down again? And should I let him have that chance?


Parenthetical Thinker said...

First things first: keep writing.

Second things second: I've been in your boyfriends shoes, though my X was not what I'd term "insatiable". I didn't do the online thing until after we split (12 years together), and I never really wanted to go to the site you mention. I had to wash my hands after browsing it 3 months ago and I'm a pretty liberated bastard if I do say so myself.

But, I've been in that "been there, done that" point of a LTR. You want something new and, sometimes, you can get it in your relationship - we bought books and some toys and tried new positions and she finally agreed that oral should be a regular activity for BOTH of us, not just me. But, in the end, it was too little, too late. We tried talking it through, we went to therapy, we did it all. But, it didn't matter.

And you know what? I'm a hella lot happier now. I think you will be too if you get rid of this guy. There's lots of men who can give you great sex and witty conversation, who can see what life is about and don't have to go looking around blindly to get it. You need one of these men (I'm not offering myself up, here, just illustrating a point).

The more you allow him to do this shit and get away with it, the less respect you'll be getting from him. You need to stand up, girl - take care of you first and tell this guy, who must have his redeeming qualities that this behavior won't be tolerated. If he wants to get his freak on, he needs to get it on with you. If he wants to flirt with a waitress, which by the way is way, way lame - they are sitting ducks and can't say no to flirting because HELLO they want their fucking TIP. But if he wants to do that - then do it when he's not with you. When you're around, that shit won't fly.

That's my advice, not that you asked for it. GOod luck - you seem smart and cool and funny and interesting. Why waste your time on a guy who can't see any of that?

Blogget Jones said...

Hey T! Thanks for the compliments and encouragement! Much appreciated and needed.

And thanks for giving me your perspective on this mess of mine. Yeah, he has his redeeming qualities. I don't think anyone has known me as well, which is probably why all the crap hurts to much. It's also what makes it hard to totally let go. It's my insecurites screaming. I could be alone forever and never find someone to understand me. That's not rational, but welcome to my brain.

My biggest issue right now is that trust isn't in the equation anymore. Yeah, we're "working on it," but I'm not convinced it'll happen this time. Something inside is broken, maybe permanently.

You're dead-on right that I need "one of those men" you describe. I suppose I'm disappointed that it won't be him. It's hard to let dreams die, you know?

thanks again! You sound like a smart one.

Parenthetical Thinker said...

It is so hard to give up on someone with "potential" - if they'd just like you more, then it would be perfect, right? I know that's how I feel with this woman - Jenn - who I've been friends with for a year+ now. Anyone - in my opinion - can see that being with me would be a good fit for her. Yet, none of that matters because she's just not really into being with me. I think she's an idiot for passing on me, but what can I do about it? Gotta move on to other chances and hope for the best. There's no rule that says you have to pack all of the drama of your life into the years before you turn a cerain age - be it 30, 40, 50, 60, or whatever.

Blogget Jones said...

In this case, it's not that he doesn't like me enough. He adores me. He just can't let go of the thrill or whatever it is he gets from flirting, IMHO. Thrill of the chase and all. With him, it would be perfect if he would be trustworthy enough, and faithful enough.

The thing that gets to me is this feeling that if I were good enough, this wouldn't happen. He's not the first man to betray me in one way or another. There's a pattern here, and it's hard to not take it personally.

Yes, I deserve better...but can I GET better?

Sounds like your Jenn is a blind fool (pardon my bluntness)! You're a nice guy.

Thanks again!

Parenthetical Thinker said...

Hey - I'm back, whether you end up finding this or not. I've linked to your blog on mine so I check here every few days.

Jenn and I are kaput by my doing - I finally took the conversation to the end-point and she made it clear that "this" was never going to be. That was harder to take than I anticipated.

As to your issue: male pattern infidelity.

There is something real in the "thrill of the chase". For this man, it's the thril of having a woman like you. Hell, it's probably why I come back here and post. You've responded and we've engaged. It's like that in the real world, too.

A guy goes out, sees someone he knows already, maybe from work. They chat a bit, have a drink or three, it's fun and laughs - could be a group setting, even. She pays attention to him and he feels good about himself. I think that's part of what drives me to flirt. It feels good to impress a woman with my wit and personality and charisma and intelligence. It just feels downright wonderful.

So, it becomes a little more, well I don't know if understandable is the word, but maybe not so mysterious that a guy will seek out new women to attract in order to feed that need he's got to impress/obtain women. Sure - part of it is about getting sex from these women. But if you limited your flirtations to only the women you have sex with, you'd only flirt with one woman. And where's the fun in that? No, the fun of flirting is using the same material, to come up with an act, almost, and then to go out and work your act and get your attention that you need like a junky needs his horse. Most of it never leads to outright sex (I, for instance, have never gone home with a waitress and yet I have a very subtle way of flirting with them that almost always gets me terrific service even when it's busy).

I guess I'd just talk to this guy - okay, paging Dr. Phil? Jesus. Like you need me to tell you what to do with this guy. Please.

But, I hope I shed 1% of insight into the mind of the flirty male. He doesn't want to cheat. He just wants to flirt. The challenge is having the strength to not slip up. I never did - was married for 12 years. But I also never got any credit for the 10+ opportunities I passed on, either.

Blogget Jones said...

I'm glad you're back! And sorry about you and Jenn. That's really too bad!

Yes, you're shedding some light on the flirty-man mentality. It helps because my biggest stumbling block is understanding WHY this happens. I just don't get how he can tell me he loves me in one breath and with the next be typing up profile about needing a "no strings attached" partner for "erotic chat," or just be winking at a waitress.

So, is it the fact that I'm somewhat of a "sure thing" in this relationship that makes him want to flirt elsewhere? Or do I not make him feel as though I'm "impressed" with him enough? I can tell you I'm becoming less of a sure thing because I feel the need to protect myself. Intimacy equals emotional involvement in my head, and in my heart.

As I said before, I can't let go of the dream of being "enough" for someone else. If I can't be that to this guy, then I'll find that someone else. I take the wandering eye very personally.

Thanks for the insight. You're right -- what I'm looking for isn't as much advice as it is insight.