Taking inventory

In church Sunday, we had what's called the Primary Program. This is where the children, from age 3 to 11, put on a musical program instead of having speakers with sermons. I looked at their shining little faces and realized....this is the first year that I don't have a child up there. My daughter turned 12 this year, and moved on to the pre-teen/teenager group. I felt a twinge. That same twinge I get when I hold an adorable, cooing baby...until s/he starts fussing or smelling....

So, I sat there and took inventory of what's what.

My job is running me in circles, but is going well. I'm definitely needed here and made the right choice to come here. My old boss misses me, too. My skills definitely have value.

I need to get my Ph.D. studies back on track. I put it on hold for this job and should now get back to it. I still want to be Dr. Blogget.

My family is....well, they're about par. My folks are working again, which makes Dad happier than being at home. Being retired, he could pick a job that's 3/4 time. Mom has a difficult boss, but she's not on a career track and can jump to something else with no hesitation. Both of them need to release some control issues, especially Mom. They were very controlling parents, growing up. I'm not that way, and it bothers them.

My son is 16 with a vengeance. I worry about the level of selfishness I see in him. He wasn't raised to be that way. He lets people influence him negatively, instead of being the positive influence he could be. I pray every day for him to wake up and make a difference to others. He makes it so much harder than it has to be. He realized the other day that he's in the "real world" in a scant two-and-a-half years, and has no idea what he wants to do yet. Maybe that will help. He has so many talents, and needs to not waste them. He's frustrating me lately. I hope he finds a woman who makes him want to be a better man.

My daughter is 12 and a sparkling personality. I wish her dad could appreciate her for who she is, but he can't relate to her. I first fell in love with her name when I saw Madeline Kahn in movies. So, I suppose her personality followed suit. She is unique in all ways, and has a need to make it known. She's a classic beauty. She's taken up wearing these red and black striped gloves everywhere. The face of a Botticelli, topped by a main of black curls, with funky fashion sense. I hope the world is kind to her and she marries someone with a true appreciation of her free spirit.

I'm not hurting for men in my life....just ones that don't drive me insane.

My ex-husband has become someone I abhor. I never thought I'd hate him, but I often do. He doesn't know how much he lost over the summer, with his children. Selfishness destroys his life. I've had to tell him to not contact me except in writing. And his nasty wife, too. I don't need the onslaught of crap from them. I'll spend Christmas alone because of their shit.

Old BF calls several times a day (not that I answer several times a day). "I know I screwed up and lost the love of the only woman I care about," he proclaims. "But I'll win you back!" No, you won't. I gave you too many chances. I have you all I had. And I was never enough. Done with the lies and betrayal. Done being the only grown-up. Finito. I do help with advice about his little niece, whose mother drinks herself into unconsciousness daily. He's become the little girl's caretaker, but has no parenting model to follow. So, I help where I can and am willing to. Thank goodness he's in Texas, though. He found a pic on the conference Web site of me and South Carolina. "He looks into you," he said, jealous. So be it.

Fella. What else can I say? I did talk to him on Saturday. He's been very, very ill, and his daughter has it now. I stayed away, let him know I was doing my own thing. "Get better," I said. Did not talk to him again. If he gets his stuffy head on straight and calls this week, good. If not, fine. Something has snapped with me and I just don't want to worry about it anymore.

South Carolina. He's very sweet. We have a lot in common, and we work well together. Synergy. Sparks. But he's 1800 miles away and his life just got complicated. I can be a support, but that's all I can do right now. It might be that once a year, at this conference, we have a romantic interlude in our lives. We'll see what time and tide brings.

And there's a new one.... I need to think of a name for him. He works in the office for a "roofing company to the stars" in Aspen. Nice guy. Smart. Head full of useless trivia -- just like me. He has a little animal farm. The thing is that there are three traits that really turn me off with guys. Beards -- but all the men I've dated here have beards. And ponytails, and piercings. This fella has a long ponytail and an earring. But I enjoy him. So, maybe "rules" change.... We'll see how it pans out.

I have numerous friends, here and around the country. Some are close, some are professional, some are acquaintances, some are blog pals :o) and some just want to get in my knickers. Either way, I care about them and they care back. And that gives me peace.