Monday, November 12, 2007

Taking inventory

In church Sunday, we had what's called the Primary Program. This is where the children, from age 3 to 11, put on a musical program instead of having speakers with sermons. I looked at their shining little faces and realized....this is the first year that I don't have a child up there. My daughter turned 12 this year, and moved on to the pre-teen/teenager group. I felt a twinge. That same twinge I get when I hold an adorable, cooing baby...until s/he starts fussing or smelling....

So, I sat there and took inventory of what's what.

My job is running me in circles, but is going well. I'm definitely needed here and made the right choice to come here. My old boss misses me, too. My skills definitely have value.

I need to get my Ph.D. studies back on track. I put it on hold for this job and should now get back to it. I still want to be Dr. Blogget.

My family is....well, they're about par. My folks are working again, which makes Dad happier than being at home. Being retired, he could pick a job that's 3/4 time. Mom has a difficult boss, but she's not on a career track and can jump to something else with no hesitation. Both of them need to release some control issues, especially Mom. They were very controlling parents, growing up. I'm not that way, and it bothers them.

My son is 16 with a vengeance. I worry about the level of selfishness I see in him. He wasn't raised to be that way. He lets people influence him negatively, instead of being the positive influence he could be. I pray every day for him to wake up and make a difference to others. He makes it so much harder than it has to be. He realized the other day that he's in the "real world" in a scant two-and-a-half years, and has no idea what he wants to do yet. Maybe that will help. He has so many talents, and needs to not waste them. He's frustrating me lately. I hope he finds a woman who makes him want to be a better man.

My daughter is 12 and a sparkling personality. I wish her dad could appreciate her for who she is, but he can't relate to her. I first fell in love with her name when I saw Madeline Kahn in movies. So, I suppose her personality followed suit. She is unique in all ways, and has a need to make it known. She's a classic beauty. She's taken up wearing these red and black striped gloves everywhere. The face of a Botticelli, topped by a main of black curls, with funky fashion sense. I hope the world is kind to her and she marries someone with a true appreciation of her free spirit.

I'm not hurting for men in my life....just ones that don't drive me insane.

My ex-husband has become someone I abhor. I never thought I'd hate him, but I often do. He doesn't know how much he lost over the summer, with his children. Selfishness destroys his life. I've had to tell him to not contact me except in writing. And his nasty wife, too. I don't need the onslaught of crap from them. I'll spend Christmas alone because of their shit.

Old BF calls several times a day (not that I answer several times a day). "I know I screwed up and lost the love of the only woman I care about," he proclaims. "But I'll win you back!" No, you won't. I gave you too many chances. I have you all I had. And I was never enough. Done with the lies and betrayal. Done being the only grown-up. Finito. I do help with advice about his little niece, whose mother drinks herself into unconsciousness daily. He's become the little girl's caretaker, but has no parenting model to follow. So, I help where I can and am willing to. Thank goodness he's in Texas, though. He found a pic on the conference Web site of me and South Carolina. "He looks into you," he said, jealous. So be it.

Fella. What else can I say? I did talk to him on Saturday. He's been very, very ill, and his daughter has it now. I stayed away, let him know I was doing my own thing. "Get better," I said. Did not talk to him again. If he gets his stuffy head on straight and calls this week, good. If not, fine. Something has snapped with me and I just don't want to worry about it anymore.

South Carolina. He's very sweet. We have a lot in common, and we work well together. Synergy. Sparks. But he's 1800 miles away and his life just got complicated. I can be a support, but that's all I can do right now. It might be that once a year, at this conference, we have a romantic interlude in our lives. We'll see what time and tide brings.

And there's a new one.... I need to think of a name for him. He works in the office for a "roofing company to the stars" in Aspen. Nice guy. Smart. Head full of useless trivia -- just like me. He has a little animal farm. The thing is that there are three traits that really turn me off with guys. Beards -- but all the men I've dated here have beards. And ponytails, and piercings. This fella has a long ponytail and an earring. But I enjoy him. So, maybe "rules" change.... We'll see how it pans out.

I have numerous friends, here and around the country. Some are close, some are professional, some are acquaintances, some are blog pals :o) and some just want to get in my knickers. Either way, I care about them and they care back. And that gives me peace.


Anonymous said...

ABD, or do you still have classes to take?

I doubt you'll be alone alone during Christmas, and even if you are, that's not all bad. You can have your own special rituals and stuff and spoil the crap out of yourself.

As for your charming ex-husband, I get the impression that the less said, the better.

The beard thing: if you don't want them, I'll gladly take them off your hands...

I just think you're a nice girl, and I have no interest whatsoever in getting into your knickers.

Sgt said...

Can I be the professional blogger pal that wants to get in your knickers? Sure it sounds sleazy, but everyone needs a gimmick. :-P

Blogget Jones said...

Anon: You're adorable, and thank you. So sweet.

On the Ph.D, I still have classes to take. This job happened right at the beginning of my program.

And I've learned to appreciate beards ;o) Nicely trimmed ones, at that. It's just worked out that each and every guy I've dated here (and from SC!) has had one. So, yes, I still want them! LOL

You're right about the ex. I could go on for days, but it would just make me madder. And yes, Christmas will be alone. I go to take the kids to him, then sit alone so I can be close in case things go sour for daughter. He's made it known that my presence is not welcome - and I wouldn't cross his threshold anyhow. I might find a friend to smile on me that day or, as you said, completely indulge myself for a change.


Blogget Jones said...

ROFL Sgt! I can handle that! You know how to make a girl feel wanted (and I don't mind it sounding sleazy!) :o)

Krissie said...

I really don't want to get into your knickers. Really. lol

Now... About your children. Obviously, I don't know them, but I think it's so much easier to love a 12 year old girl than a 16 year old boy. Give him a break. He's 16. He won't be a grown up for the next 5 or 10 years. I'm sure he'll live up to your expectations once that happens.

The HOR blogger said...

Awww you talk so sweet about your daughter, she sounds LOVELY :)

And that boy of yours, aw blogget I don't know anything about kids but I remember being 16 (9 years ago???!!) and do remember that I (and my friends, even the ones that put on the best faces) were all a bunch of self-driven-horomone-machines. SELF driven :) but a lot of us grew up just fine and you've given him a good base to grow up on. :)

All these men! Boy howdy blogget, I'm glad to see your "see how it all pans out" attitude back. :) And YA KNOW it WAS Mr. Spock who said:

"It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable."
-"The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3

So yeah ridding it out sounds good. ;)

Blogget Jones said...

Krissie and Hor-gal:

The fact that the boy is still alive and not locked in the attic is a testament to my patience! LOL I know he's in a difficult time -- I just worry for him a lot. I see his many talents with which he's been blessed and so want him to use them to be a success. I worry about him not being happy. My frustration is born out of concern for him. He just makes life harder on himself!

My daughter will hit those teen years soon enough. I hope it's not so rocky, but I know better! She's more sensitive to the world than her brother, so I worry about her being hurt by it.

Dang, I worry a lot, don't I?

Thank you for the Spock quote!! Exactly right -- things are in a constant state of flux! I'm sure the next twist is coming soon... ;o)


Sassy Blondie said...

Sixteen is never a good time for anyone...and the world is supposed to revolve around them (in their own minds). I agree..give him some time. He won't disappoint you with the values you raised him with.

I work with 10-12 yr old boys and girls. It's a great age...sparkling is a perfect adjective.

I'm with you on the PhD program. I keep trying to get started, but I tell myself I don't have time or $. I want to be Dr. Sassy too! You go for it!

My mother wasted 30 yrs. Now she wants to know me and play at being my mother. I don't think so. It's hard to get past the rejection of a parent. Remember that for your kids.

Continued good luck and well wishes...

Kimberly said...

Is it weird that I picked a favourite guy from the list and am rooting for him?

Sgt said...

Maybe we can all get back to the PhD program together. I was thinking about my PhD in CompSci, but an adviser said that unless I planned on teaching or work in a lab it didn't make much sense and recommended getting a second Masters in Business.

Screw them, I'll just go for Dr SgtRedline. Then we can all call each other doctor....

Sgt: "Doctor"
Sassy: "Doctor"
Sgt: "Doctor"
Blogget: "Doctor"
Sassy: "Doctor"
Blogget: "Doctor"
Sassy: "Doctor"
Sgt: "Doctor"
Blogget: "Doctor"
Bob Hope: "Doctor, Doctor... glad I'm not sick"

Blogget Jones said...

Sassy: I know what you mean, about your mother. My son thinks I'm too "involved" most of the time, but he'll understand it someday. It's like the commercial with the teenager asking, "Can I go to the party?" Dad says, "Will there be parents there?" Kid says, "No." Dad says, "Then you can't go." Kid gets mad. It's just how it has to be.

I'm afraid my ex has done what you describe your mother doing. He was absent and now wants to be Father of the Year, but the kids don't see him that way.

Kimberly: LOL No, it's not weird. Who are you rooting for?

Sgt: ROFL! We'll be Dr. Bloggers!