I have a certain idea in my mind of how I want to be loved. I don't want to compromise it. I'm not talking a put-me-on-a-pedestal-and-shower-me-with-attention kind of thing. I want to be appreciated. I want what I give to be reciprocated.
So, I get this in an email today.
"A cool breeze just blew through the trees and blew some of the prettiest red leaves I've ever seen through the air that reflected in the morning sun in a beautiful display of God's handiwork. It made me think of your soft curls and how they shine so prettily in the sun. It made me miss you something fierce and want to thank the universe for granting me the company and affection of a woman as wonderful as you. You are wonder in motion, MoChroí. I love you."
It makes me want to cry. MoChroí. That's my nickname, meaning "my heart" in Gaelic. Who wrote that?
Old BF. The one who loves me like I want to be loved -- except for the fact he can't stop lying to me and trying to cheat on me. For eight years, he couldn't put a stop to that. To be loved by him, and to love him, is to be hurt by him. It makes me ache with how not fair that is.
6 comments:
Oh hun, your poor hurting heart...
When things aren't currently the way we want them to be, the past seems more attractive. He didn't love you the way you want and deserve because he didn't respect you. Now snap out of it, Blogget dear! A beautiful sentiment, but he's the same person. I detest cheaters and liars...there's just no need for it. If you want to be with me, be with me. If you want to leave, then leave by telling me the truth. I don't need humiliation added on top of heartache. (Whew! Your post sent me back quite a few years to a BAD memory)
And that's not to say he doesn't love you in his way. Just because people don't love us the way we'd like doesn't mean they don't love us.
XOXO
Kim -- I know...it still has soft spots. Probably always will because I tend to jump in and have trouble climbing out.
Sassy -- don't worry, I'm in no danger of running back to Ye Olde Cheater. The suspicion and heartache I had to live with is too much to take. You're right -- he loves me as best he can. I just lament the unfairness of it all....
I don't even know whether to say I'm sorry or I'm happy that you're loved at all.
It's screwed up.
love is a four-letter word. it can be beautiful or evil, sometimes at the same time. hope you get to feeling better.
Krissie and Darth -- yeah, it's a double-edged sword, isn't it? I'm just frustrated. It would be so *easy* to settle, and just put up with the annual heartache. But then it's not so easy, is it?
Thanks. I'll be okay. My life is full....which is something that's good to think about on Thanksgiving!
Hope it's been a good one!
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