Where is he?

I've alluded to this a few times lately, and I keep saying it's for another post.  So, here's that other post.

I’m going through a spiritual struggle lately. I stopped praying for a couple of years because it seemed all I was accomplishing was to call God’s attention to the people and situations I prayed about, so he could screw with them. I felt like a lightning rod for bad things happening to me and others.

A few months ago, though, I hit a dark place where I realized the only being in the universe I could turn to for help was God. So, I started praying again.

So what’s happened? All the blessings I pray for and the people I pray for get fucked with. Again. Everything and everyone, including myself.

I don’t know what to think, and it's damned disheartening.  Breaks my heart, actually.  Is God just not there and this is what happens? Or has he truly abandoned me? Or does he actually hate me?

What scares me is that idea that I could be making people’s lives worse by praying for them. I've prayed for my children.  I've prayed for my parents.  I’ve prayed for Jacob’s happiness.  As stupid as it might sound, I've prayed for Jacob's girlfriend to have the resources to take care of her children's special needs.  But now I have to wonder - am I causing harm instead of helping, because God likes to fuck with what I pray for?

I've wondered this a lot lately.  However, it's gotten more intense in the last day or so.  One of my constant prayers is for my loneliness to be relieved, but right now I feel that my  very soul is alone in the whole of the universe. It’s the most horrible feeling to have your waking thought to be that even God doesn’t want you.

Today, this is pushing the limits of what I can take, of the burden that I can bear. I'm actually so upset that I'm having chills.  My knees are wobbling under the weight of it, and I fear collapse is imminent.