What do I want?

Of course, dear Diary, I won't be able to spell it all out here.  But I've been thinking about this lately and reflecting on the past.  I've also been trying to learn from the dating relationships I've had in recent days, and I've found a pitfall I need to avoid:

Don't accept dates just because you don't want to spend yet another night alone.

I've been guilty of that of late, and it's created a situation.  I've been out with this guy maybe three or four times.  He rubbed me the wrong way with this conversation recently (caution: TMI imminent):

Him: "Do you shave?"
BJ: "No.  I trim."
Him: "You shave now."
BJ: "No, I don't.  I don't like it."
Him: "I want you to, so you'll do it for me."
BJ: "No."
Him: "Yes."
BJ: "This is not negotiable."

He tried it another time, telling me that if we were together, that 1) my dog would no longer sleep on the bed, and 2) he'd make me get up at 4 AM to go power walking, and 3) I was going to be a Seahawks fan.

Not only no, but HELL no.  Remember dommy Blogget?  She doesn't do orders well.  Or at all.

I'm sorry…but what about me gave you the impression you can tell me what to do, pal?  I might add the detail here that these conversations are happening without sex being a part of this relationship.  I haven't gone there.  Gee, I wonder why I don't feel attracted that way….

Jacob tells me that I have other prospects that are better, so give this guy the heave-ho.  I should mention here that Jacob and I are indeed best friends, as of late.  More on that later.

Back to the situation: I sat at home alone for 4 or 5 days and ended up agreeing to a date with the bossy guy again. I have no defense; I was weakened by silence.

At the restaurant, I went to the restroom and came back to find he'd told the waiter I was his girlfriend.

No.  No, no, no.

He wants to be my Valentine's date.  I'm thinking that's a bad idea.  As much as I hate the idea of a lonely Valentine's Day, I also hate the idea of misleading him or making myself even more frustrated.

In other news, I've had a few dates, but no front runners yet.  I've had a couple of creepers, so they had to go.  Here's an example:

Text from a guy I haven't even been on a date with: "I think I'm near your neighborhood.  I'm going to find your house."
An hour later: "I can't find it.  Give me a hint."
BJ: "Oh because you're not acting like a stalker at all, right?"
That was that.

I do have one person I'd be interested in getting serious with, but he lives back in Texas.  We are friends.  We haven't even dated.  But he's a wonderful person, and I value his friendship already.

Jacob and I were enjoying absinthe and porn one night, and he said to me, "When can we talk about my relationship?"

My initial response was to tell him again that his relationship hurts me.  It does me damage because I've seen her as someone who wanted to do me damage.  From where I sit, she manipulated her way into my life, then stole it from me.  He let her, and it hurts.  Anyone else, and we could talk about it, I said.

He insists that it's not that way, though.  That it wasn't that way.  Whether it's spin or not, it's how he perceives it.  And I'm trying to be his friend, his best friend.  I want him to be able to be open with me.  I thought about that.  A lot.  So, I'm trying - really trying - to see things as he does and find a way to be okay with her.

We had an emotional conversation about it.  I told him I might relapse, but that I am really trying to not see her as someone who wants to hurt me.  And I'm trying to not feel that I'm being replaced in every aspect of the life we had together.  It's taking some mental gymnastics, to be true, but I'm trying.  It's a daily battle, still.

As part of that conversation, I told him that I wanted to make it clear that my viewpoint has nothing to do with jealousy or wanting to go back to what we had.  After all, I had my doubts and frustrations, too, some of which I vented about to you, dear Diary.

So, I said to him in all honesty, I would not go back to how we were.

In the last few months, I think we've learned a lot about what we did wrong.  In any future relationship (not meaning just with him), I'd change the way we communicate, in particular.  We needed to be much more open and expressive and less hesitant.  We did too much second-guessing of ourselves and neglected to say things and talk about topics we should have.  We needed to build a safer environment for that, without repercussions for saying the wrong thing.  And we needed more dimensions to our intimacy, of the emotional and physical type.

What do I want, then?

A love who will…
love
value
respect
desire
want
need
hold
keep
soothe
comfort
follow
lead
work beside
defend
laugh with
listen to
adore
uplift
encourage
support
…me.

And I will do the same for him.

I pray on this each morning and each night.  But I keep getting knocked back down to the floor.  I wonder lately if God hates me…or maybe has already abandoned me.  I pray for my trust and faith to be meaningful, but I'm constantly wondering why it isn't…

…but that's another post.