With a heavy heart and fractured faith....

...I have to report that my dad is not doing well.  We received bad news this week.

While his chemo is keeping the tumor from growing, it's not reducing it.  The only way to remove it is surgery.  The surgical team met and determined that, to get the tumor out, they would need to remove his leg and his pelvis.  But the tumor would in all likelihood be back again.  Such a reduction in his quality of life, and it would do no good in the long run.

So, he's looking at indefinite chemotherapy.  Until it stops working.  That could be months or it could be years.  There's no predicting.

I've prayed so hard.  My whole family has.  My community has.  So many, many people, with so many, many prayers.  And this is the answer.  He's been the most faithful servant of the Lord.  And this is the answer.

I ache in my soul.

Mom says that he just sits and stares now, and looks oh so sad.  "This is the best I'll ever feel," he says, as the chemo debilitates him.

My heart is so broken.  For him, for us, for everyone.

They are waiting a few days to find out if any experimental treatments are open to him.  He'll do another round of chemo there.  Then, it can be done here, at a cancer center closer to home.  We're not sure which one yet, but there are a few options.  Until it doesn't work anymore.  Then things will get horrible for a long, long time.

My eyes burn with tears.  My brain aches with these thoughts.  My heart is shattered.  My soul is...well, my very being wants to curl up and hide.

BB offers me his arms, even if it has to be virtually for now.  I crave the solace of him.  His peace and his passion.

I don't know how to navigate a world without my dad.