What's that screaming?

It's good ol' Blogget, running away into the wilderness!  What sent her over the edge?

Workday ridiculousness and sexual frustration.

I will always marvel at the behavior of some people in the academic environment.  It's a good thing this environment exists for people who would be booted to the curb in a corporate environment.  Unprofessional, childish behavior that just wouldn't fly anywhere else.

And a good time to test my patience is not when all I can think about is the sex I wish I was having.  With no sure-fire relief in sight, just yet.

I soooo need a vacation.  Have I mentioned that in the last week?  Soooo need a vacation.  Even a one-day reset the batteries getaway would be nice.  I'm considering that, if the paycheck works out that way at the end of the week.  A jaunt to a nearby town, a change of scenery.  Maybe even a massage, if I can swing it.

I'm tired today, but it was worth it. Jacob and I had one of the most beautiful conversations we've had in a long, long time.  I think we might have our friendship back on track.  We got our mutual apologies and asking for forgiveness out in the open.  We were able to speak honestly and bluntly about many things - things important to each of us - and give each other a listening ear and advice.  I'm not sure if my advice will turn out to be useful, but I hope so.  I really tried to put myself in someone else's perspective and respond from the gut on it, and all I can hope is that it's valuable.  We found we have things we feel most comfortable telling each other, and it warmed my heart (and his, he said) to find that we're still there for each other.

So, I'm feeling much better about all of that.  I feel someone is there to catch me, again, who really cares if I fall or if I fly - as much as I care about that for him.

Updates and Observations

In short, I'm hanging in there, mostly because I have no choice.  I'm so tired of silence and conversation with my dog.  It's a little one-sided.  But the weeknights pass slowly and quietly, one into the other.  My "oneness" is heavy, sometimes, and it makes me tired.  I crave laughter.  Shared laughter.

I think I'm still trying to find salve for my wounds.  The salve I seek is the knowledge that I'm still cared for, that I'm worthwhile.  So, I look for signs of that.  

I had an egocentric moment the other day, and thought how Jacob is fortunate that I value him as I do.  And that I'm not an unreasonable, vindictive person.  Well, this blogs stands as witness to times when I have been that way, but I have a different sensibility now.  He might not have liked what I said when I was mad, but there was a kernel of truth in it.  Anyone bitchier might lash out and cause problems, but I see no good in that for anyone.  Quite the opposite, and I really do value him and his friendship.  How he handles his relationships is his concern, and not for me to question or speculate about.

I'm still good for support when wanted or needed, one way or the other, in good times and bad.  Whatever happens.  Some say I'm loyal to a fault.  I just don't seem to be needed so much anymore.  It's a lot to come to grips with at once, but I'm making a valiant effort, honestly.

I've been dating a little, as I've mentioned.  I turned down a Valentine's date because it was the bossy guy.  I just can't live with that, so there's no need in wasting anyone's time or leaving the wrong impression.  Let's be honest, being romanced on Valentine's Day would be very nice, but it would be unkind to lead someone on just to have that.  I don't want to be unkind.

So, I had Valentine's dinner with my parents.  While out with them, I received a text from a man I've seen a couple of times, who lives about an hour away.  He said, "Be careful if you let your dog out on the porch!"  And when I got home, I found chocolate dipped strawberries and a sweet card on my doorstep.  Talk about warming my heart and making a day brighter!  I wish I'd been home!

The next day, I had a very casual date for the movies and a dinner date the following day.  Being in the online dating world is a little weird, but so many people find themselves single with very few avenues for meeting anyone.  That's me.  I work a lot.  I don't do the bar scene.  Maybe this is becoming more common?

But I've made some observations about how people present themselves on dating sites.  It's a constant surprise to me, and I really wish someone would write a "dos and don'ts" manual for those embarking on this virtual world.  I mean, it's supposed to be best foot forward, right?

I have some suggestions for them to include:

DO
1. Smile at the camera.
2. Put the light in front of you.
3. Actually fill out the question and answer section.
4. Be honest. As much as I hate the "All I want is sex" profiles, at least I know where I stand.
5. Use an actual picture of you.

DON'T
1. Use your wedding picture.  (Oh, the things you don't think you have to say.)
2. Use a cartoon character's picture.
3. Use a famous actor's picture.
4. Use a picture of your dog, car, motorcycle, or farm equipment.  (Yes, I've seen farm equipment.)
5. Try to look so serious. It comes out looking scary.
6. Use a blurry picture.
7. Obscure your face. Lose the sunglasses, hats, and do-rags.
8. Pose with dead animals.

And if you're thinking, but Blogget, these are no-brainers!  Guess again.  I speak from what I've really seen.

Maybe I should write that dating manual….

I'm about at the end of my rope...

…and tying a knot to hang on isn't going very well.  I'm feeling intense pressure and anxiety from all sides, and something's got to give.  I'm just really afraid of how that's going to happen.

On the work front: A year ago, I got a new boss.  She can be great, but she can cause a pressure cooker as well.  Back in December, she had us (meaning, our little staff of two) create the calendar for 2014.  ALL of 2014.  It's socked in.  One project on top of another, plus the daily work and all of its unexpected Whack-a-Mole qualities.  This time of year is particularly hard on me, as everyone sees me as the point person. That means I catch all of the questions, frustrations, and abuse they feel like doling out.

You know what I realized isn't on that calendar?  Time off for me.  My coworker has slated her weeks off, but we can't be gone at the same time.  That's my bad move, to have not gotten on the calendar first.  I'm going to have to revisit that.

On the personal front: Jacob and I had a huge argument a few days ago.  Huge.  When it started, I was surprised it escalated.  I learned that his new girlfriend is moving in.  The last I'd heard was that she didn't want us spending much time together and she didn't want to be around me.  Ergo, this would mean I was no longer welcome at his home, where he said I'd always be welcome.

This was what upset me.  "I'm being cut out of your life" looked like the crux of the matter from my perspective.  That was the wrong thing to say because he blew a gasket.  It escalated quickly.  Once again, all I needed was to understand.  Instead, we both said things that hurt.

I have to admit, it's a rage-fogged blur to me.  I remember doubting his honesty in his relationship, and saying that nothing can be taken that he doesn't give away (but I didn't say it so nicely).  He said the reason I'm in my situation (which I took to mean "alone") is because of how I argue.  And other things were said that I'd rather not think about just now.

I apologized for what I said.  I spoke out of being hurt and wanted to hurt back.  I promised to not question my place in his life or his efforts to keep me there, anymore.  I have noticed that he hasn't apologized, which I suppose means he probably meant what he said.  I don't know for sure, and hate to guess on something like that.  I'm not mad about it, just sad that he seems to feel that way.

It was just a few days before that we had a beautiful conversation about how we feel now.  Felt?  Among other things, we said we were sorry things had worked out the way they had.  We were happy to be best friends at that point, but the argument did us a lot of damage.  Again, I'm not angry.  Just sad.

In hindsight, what would have headed it off would have been knowing that his girlfriend's perspective on me and our friendship had changed.  Apparently, it had, but I had no idea.  She was willing to work with me, apparently, and I was still willing to work with her.  But I reacted without knowing any of that.

Perhaps I should have asked what the change would mean for us, instead of making my own deductions?  In everything that's ever come up with Jacob - learning about his feminine persona, his desire to do porn, possibly losing his house, a new job, etc. - that question has been my bottom line: "How does this effect us?  What do I do now?" But that might be a moot point.  I've made overtures to repair things, but I don't know if he'll meet me halfway yet.

I'm watching and waiting to see what my place is.  What I'm looking at is losing the one person in my life who understands me, who I can say anything to, and they'll "get" it.  That's more than I can stand, but I don't know if it really matters to anyone but me, right now.

You know what makes this impact a little harder?  This would my "On the spiritual front," as well.  On the way to his house, I prayed for us to have a good evening.  A nice night to remember.  The operative word here was "nice."  A hope for a strengthening of friendship, based on the previous week's changes.  Instead, this is what happened.  To say my faith is dented is quite an understatement.  Again, the universe seems to like to give me a good smacking.

On the family front:  My son is having a crisis, but I'm not sure he realizes how bad it is.  He brought a girlfriend with him when he moved home again.  She's a tough one, and they have a volatile relationship.  The fights are escalating in violence, with her throwing things and shoving him.  This last time, she took to throwing herself against him and shoving away, then yelling, "Stop pushing me!"  Fortunately, witnesses were there to say he wasn't hurting her.  He became so enraged he was harming himself.  When it's all over, he blames himself and says it's all his fault.  He allows her to browbeat him verbally.  Something has to change.  She needs to go back home, so he can find some perspective and realize he deserves better, that this is no life to lead.  I'm afraid for him right now.

On the dating front:  It's dating.  I had a good date the other night.  Nice fella, but with a couple of issues that I need to think about before I write about them.  I have an open invitation for a wild time in Denver, and another for a relaxing weekend in a nearby town.  I'm trying to figure out how to have it all.

And that brings us back to needing time off.

Remember….

Loneliness hurts.  But don't make it worse by becoming trapped in a situation that will cause you a different kind of heartache.

Don't settle, Blogget….

In other news….

I had a mammogram a couple of weeks ago, my first one.  A few days later, they call me back and tell me I need to go to the office with the better equipment.  They need to take a closer look at something.  I had to wait several days for my appointment, and those were not pleasant days!  I'm not a patient person as it is, but waiting for that?  Oh no.

Jacob was good about asking me how I was doing during those days.  He knows my tendency to worry.  It was particularly good of him because he was going through his own hard time - serving on a jury for a murder trial that involved the deaths of children.  I knew he was seeing things he'd wish he could unsee, but he still thought to check on me.  That meant a lot to me.

He also learned that I've been spending a lot more time alone than he realized.  He thought that because I had dates, I was busy a lot.  I haven't been.  I spend many evenings on my own, in the silence that seems to be slowly destroying my spirit, in the most agonizing way.  I don't know that the phone will make any more noise than it has, though.

Anyhow, the mammogram tech showed me the first set of pictures, and that there was a shadow of something in one view, but it couldn't be seen in another.  They called it an "island of tissue."  They took more pictures.  I waited as the radiologist looked at them.  And they took more pictures.  Then, he ordered an ultrasound.  Then, he redid the ultrasound himself.

And they couldn't find what was making the shadow.  They found a tiny cyst, but that's it.  Check back in six months, but I should be okay.  No telling what it was, but they're not worried about it.  Whew!

I had a little coffee date last night.  I've been talking with this man for a little while, and we decided to meet.  He doesn't live here, so we have to do some planning to get together.  That's been the case with a few of my dates lately, that there's an hour or more between us.  I'm trying to decide if I like that or not. At least they won't be driving around, looking for my house.

Initially, he just wanted someone to talk to about nerdy stuff.  There's something I'm good for!  I can do nerdy all day.  Actually, I already do nerdy all day - I can't help it.  I'm thoroughly a geek.  Anyhow, pretty soon it evolved into some nice flirting.  He calls me Temptress, and I like that.

So…what's the catch?  There's always a catch, isn't there, dear Diary?  He is married.  They have a poly-amorous relationship, and she's seeing someone.  So, it's all above-board.  Still, it's something for me to think about in terms of what I want, what I need, the future, etc.  But for the moment, I have enjoyed him.  Face-to-face, he's funny, intelligent, and attractive.  And he seems to think the same of me.  It was just coffee, so we'll see what happens.  I will certainly keep you updated!

On the sexual front, another friend of mine wants me to join a threesome with him and a tgirl, soon.  I'd have to make a trip to the Front Range, but he wants to foot the bill for me.  I could certainly see drowning my woes in a weekend of pleasure.  It's something to think about, for sure.

As you know, dear Diary, there's not much I won't talk about here.  That said, I must censor myself for a bit, due to recent events.  I'll have to table some stories and emotions and thoughts that I have pent up.  Bear with me that if I start telling a story, and you think you might have missed something, it probably is because I've had to skip something.   I'll come back around to it eventually, I'm sure.  For the sake of those I care about, I just can't explore some things for awhile.  It saddens me, but it must be that way.

Jacob and I had a glorious Saturday afternoon at the nail salon.  I have gotten just one manicure and one pedicure in my life.  The manicure was for my wedding in 1990, and the pedicure was a treat for myself while on a business trip in 2004.  But Saturday, we had manicures AND pedicures.  The kind with pretty smelling masks, lotions, and even hot stones.  And a massage chair.  And it was heavenly.  I'm so thankful that we had that time.  I need it again.

I smile every time I see my painted toes.  My toes are never painted!

And I'll sign off with a picture of my sweet dog.  Even though he doesn't want to hear from me, I thank God every day for her love and companionship.

Where is he?

I've alluded to this a few times lately, and I keep saying it's for another post.  So, here's that other post.

I’m going through a spiritual struggle lately. I stopped praying for a couple of years because it seemed all I was accomplishing was to call God’s attention to the people and situations I prayed about, so he could screw with them. I felt like a lightning rod for bad things happening to me and others.

A few months ago, though, I hit a dark place where I realized the only being in the universe I could turn to for help was God. So, I started praying again.

So what’s happened? All the blessings I pray for and the people I pray for get fucked with. Again. Everything and everyone, including myself.

I don’t know what to think, and it's damned disheartening.  Breaks my heart, actually.  Is God just not there and this is what happens? Or has he truly abandoned me? Or does he actually hate me?

What scares me is that idea that I could be making people’s lives worse by praying for them. I've prayed for my children.  I've prayed for my parents.  I’ve prayed for Jacob’s happiness.  As stupid as it might sound, I've prayed for Jacob's girlfriend to have the resources to take care of her children's special needs.  But now I have to wonder - am I causing harm instead of helping, because God likes to fuck with what I pray for?

I've wondered this a lot lately.  However, it's gotten more intense in the last day or so.  One of my constant prayers is for my loneliness to be relieved, but right now I feel that my  very soul is alone in the whole of the universe. It’s the most horrible feeling to have your waking thought to be that even God doesn’t want you.

Today, this is pushing the limits of what I can take, of the burden that I can bear. I'm actually so upset that I'm having chills.  My knees are wobbling under the weight of it, and I fear collapse is imminent.