Monday, January 06, 2014

And She's Back...

…because Blogget has joined the singleton world again.

That's right, dear Diary.  Blogget and Jacob are no more.  What happened?  in a very painful nutshell, here goes:

It was close to the end of September.  I was still adjusting to my daughter being gone from home for less than two weeks.  I came home that night, like any other night, and he said he thought we were better off as friends.  I asked if there was someone else, and he said he'd met someone but it had nothing to do with this.

Note: Recent posts on his Tumblr have made it more clear that a relationship was cultivated behind my back.  The intimacies began very shortly after we became "just friends."

Other posts on Tumblr have showed a distinct pattern: he says the same words to her that he said to me.  He's following the same sequence of events with her that he did with me.  And I mean, exactly the same.  This makes me wonder if, after three years, maybe I just wasn't so shiny and new anymore.  He wanted the excitement of shiny and new again.  And found a woman who threw the Woman Code to the wind and expressed open interest in what another woman held dear.

Also, you can probably imagine how special that makes me feel - or not so much.  I've always taken a bit of pride in being a unique individual, so all of that is a good blow to my self-image.  I don't feel so special, at the moment, but that also means she's not so special, either.

The thing is, he knew I'd see those posts.  How did he think I'd feel?

I've made it clear that I want nothing to do with her.  He thinks I've "drawn a line in the sand," but I don't think he's considered this:  how could I ever be comfortable with the woman he betrayed me with??  If he wanted to be with someone I would accept, then he should have picked someone - anyone -  else with whom to duplicate our relationship.

He says he really wants us to be friends, and I'm really trying to build that relationship.  He says I'm just about his best friend.  I have to say that he has made me a priority a few times.  However, I'm hoping that will hold, as his interest in connecting with me seems to be diminishing.  Maybe.  I can't tell.  He says he loves me and always will, but doesn't ask how my day has been.  He'll call when he has time to kill and text about some things he sees, but isn't the first one to say, "Let's have dinner."  I should count my blessings, I suppose.

We do have a standing Sushi Saturday every week, and we're supposed to have an Absinthe & Porn night soon, and I'm just hoping all of that remains as meaningful as it has been.

Why?  Because he's the only person who "gets" me, as I tend to be rather complicated.  And the idea of having NO ONE in my life who gets me is even more painful than what's happened.

That said, I do have a confession to make.  A weekend of drinking and horniness about six weeks ago. I don't believe that drink causes anyone to do something that wasn't already in them.  So we drank, and we had a lot of sex.  He posted something on Tumblr that said, "How about a weekend between my legs?" and asked if I liked it. She probably thought it was for her.

We even talked about having a "friends with benefits" relationship, but nothing big has come of it.  The thing is that we still love each other.  It's morphed into something else, but we do.  He said it one day, too, and was afraid he'd made things awkward with me.  Honestly, it's a little reassurance that maybe our relationship still means something to him.

He was surprised, I think, that I immediately decided I couldn't live next door to him anymore.  It took me about six weeks to get into a new place.  It's almost twice the square footage, same rent.  It's cozy and cute, for my dog and me.  The silence is beyond heavy, though.  I told Jacob that one day, and he promised to make my phone "make noise."  He hasn't, though, and the evenings get very quiet.

So, I've cried a lot.  I've railed at God a lot.  I've gotten back to praying, but sometimes I still rail.  I have a lot of questions for God, and he seems short on answers for me.  I'm not sure he likes me very much, but that's another story.

I have more stories to tell already.  I hate dating, but here I am.  When I got divorced 15 years ago, my mother said I was so brave to face the possibility of being alone forever.  That seemed unfathomable.  And now…it could be real.

I can't express how much I hate this.  Writing this much about it has been hard, so I'll stop here and save the other stories for later.

Warning: several WTF moments are coming!  The dating world never fails to deliver - because people are crazy. Or stupid.  Or both.


37paddington said...

welcome back, blogger. maybe this virtual world can help fill the silence of the evenings. i remember well what it was like when my girl left for college, a year before yours. it feels like grief, the mission them, and yours was complicated by having to mourn the end of a relationship, too. in time, it eases, and you start to find silver linings in the freedom you have. but the missing them doesn't ever go away, because they are such sweethearts, our girls.

37paddington said...

autocorrect keeps changing it to blogger!

Blogget Jones said...

That's a good word for what I've been experiencing - mourning. I realized a couple of days ago that I've never lived alone, ever.

You're also right that we'll always miss our darlings!

Don't you love autocorrect?