Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Working through it all, little by little

We were in the car, talking. Ranger had taken my face in his hands and was sweetly telling me how he feels about me. A love from the depths of his soul. More than list itself. I started to cry.

"What's wrong?" he said.

"I have to ask you something," I said. "But I hate to spoil the moment. I just need an answer to this."

"What's that?"

"If you feel so much for me...if you feel it so deeply...how could you turn to someone else?"

He was quiet for a moment. I'd caught him off-guard.

"I need to know that," I said. "To understand how this isn't going to happen again, like you promise."

"I've actually thought about this a lot," he said, finally. "How I could have done this to you. I think it comes from guilt I was feeling. I mean, there you were, hurting. I couldn't do anything about that. You could barely make it back and forth from the bathroom...and you know what I was thinking? I was thinking how beautiful you are to me and how I wanted to wrap you up in my arms and show you how much I love you."

He paused. "You're hurting, and I just kept thinking of how much I wanted to make love to you. I felt so selfish."

"Why didn't you tell me that?" I asked. "You know I want to hear what you think. I don't judge the things you say and feel like that."

He paused again. "The thing is, I think of you like that all the time. I fantasize about you all the time." He looked at me, finally. "But I don't want to share all of that and have you think that's all I want. I don't want you to think I look at you as just a sexual thing."

"I've just kept all that in," he said. "I didn't want you to feel disrespected. I think the guilt I had pushed me over the edge. I had to express this stuff somehow, and you were in pain. So, she came on to me, and I let some of those feelings for you get transferred."

"So, you actually have feelings for her?"

"No! No, not anymore. It wasn't real, you know? It was you I wanted and not that. I let myself get confused. Never again. No one can be like you, in any way. You're amazing to me, in all that you do. I'm not willing to risk losing that, ever again. There's no one like you. I do love you so much, and nothing is worth losing you."

He paused again and said quietly. "I told her that. I told her she's not worth it. She's not worth risking losing you."

That actually says a lot. He had to have known that saying such a thing might be hurtful. He doesn't like hurting anyone's feelings. It must have been some conversation to push him to say that to her.

"My heart can't belong to anyone but you," he said. "And I intend on spending the rest of my life proving that to you. I want you to believe in me again, to believe in us again."

"I want to," I said, but the tears were coming again. "I just don't know how to compete with a 23-year-old. How do I know you won't get confused again?"

He was holding my face again, wiping the tears off my cheeks. "I'll be sure of that. You'll know that I'm focused on you. Always. There is no comparison. No competition. No one is like you. Sometimes, I just like watching you do anything. You have a grace to you, the way you carry yourself. I've thought that since the day we met."

I wanted to make something clear. "You're telling me a lot of things I didn't know you thought," I said. "Why are you holding back from me?"

"It's what I've learned to do," he said. "Before you, I had to be careful what I shared. My ex-wife thought that everything I said had an ulterior motive. She didn't like her body, so she didn't want to hear any sexual thoughts I had. So, I've been scared that I'd make you feel that's all I wanted and all I saw in you."

"Honey, you can say all of those things to me," I said. "I enjoy knowing all your thoughts about me. If you say the sexual and the non-sexual, and then we know it's balanced. Right?"

"So, you don't mind hearing all my little fantasies?"

I laughed. "Uhm...no. I'm the one who wanted to read erotic literature with you, remember?"

He laughed. "Oh, yeah. I forgot that. I just need to express some emotions physically. That's ok?"

It is. And he hasn't held back since. I have to say, the man has a colorful imagination. But so do I. So that works out.


Poindexter said...

good for you both - finding a way to talk, express, achieve balance. I'm glad for the happiness.

Ronjazz said...

So much I'd love to share with you here on this. So much that you should hear, anyway. You constantly underestimate how attractive you are, I'm convinced of that.

So...no more. You want your beau to bring it all out...woman, you do the same. You are wonderfully smart and erotic. Comfortable and challenging. Hot and gorgeous. Remember that.

And Happy, Happy New Year!

Walker said...

I hope this year brings you clarity and happiness

Happy New Year

darth sardonic said...

very cool, and yes, sharing fantasies rocks socks. btw, how'd you get darth vader as a follower? i'm jealous.

Blogget Jones said...

Poindexter -- thank you....I think it's been good. He feels bad for selling me short and not sharing as much as he could. It's been positive.

Ron -- what can I say...thank you! You make me blush and you give me a boost that I often need. I think Ranger shares your opinion of how I see myself. He's been trying really hard to let me know how he sees me now. I have a lot of doubt-speak in my head lately, though....

Walker -- thank you. me too!

Darth - you're right! It does rock socks! LOL And about Vader...just lucky, I guess! LOL

Happy New Year to you all!

:o) BJ

Gingers Mom said...

Hey, I am sorry that you have had to go through this. I hope it all smooths out just they way you want.

Angella Lister said...

Happy new year Blogget! I hope things are continuing to get better and better. I wish you all good things for 2010!

Blogget Jones said...

Thank you, Gingers Mom and Angella! I'm still hoping. Things seem to be improving right now, although I still have some pretty huge insecure moments. He's being patient with that, and fully understands that it's his actions that put me there. So, that's something...