Friday, December 18, 2009

Promises and proof

Ranger called me when he woke up this morning. Fridays have been our "date night," so we talked about what to do and when. And he thanked me for the millionth time for an early Christmas gift.

I gave him a standing heater. Sounds a little utilitarian, right? But you have to realize that the house he lives in has one heat source. A woodburning stove. He's keeping his door closed and locked now, though, so that the woman who has been involved in our troubles will stay away. So, he doesn't get as much heat in his room.

During the warmest part of the day, his room is 42 degrees. When he wakes in the morning, he can see his breath in the air. Despite the hurt I'm experiencing, I couldn't stand to see him suffering like that. And the sentiment meant the world to him.

And we talked about us.

See, I have questions, concerns, thoughts. He's open to them, which is different. With Old BF's infidelity, if I had something to say after the initial argument, he got furious with me. Ranger doesn't. He knows I'm trying to work through this and how I think. He also knows I'm not trying to beat him up with my questions. There's just things I need to understand.

One of the things we talked about yesterday was pretty intense. That message I saw had sentiments and scenarios in it that I thought were just for me, from him. I thought he thought of only me in those ways and in those "fantasies." I'm having a lot of trouble understanding how all of that became so...."fill in the blank." And I feel like just another blank now.

"When you touch me now," I said. "How do I know it's how you want to touch just me? When you say it's good to lay with me, how do I know it's how you feel with me? Or could it be just anyone?" I was crying, as I do a lot lately.

"It was all so special to me," I added. "And it wasn't."

"It was," he said.

"Then how could it be given to anyone else?"

"I know it feels that way. I just ask that you give me time to show you, prove it to you. Let me have a chance to undo this. Please?"

Our conversation this morning was not as intense as that. However, about 10 minutes after we hung up, he called back.

"I've been getting ready to get my work done here," he said. "But my thoughts are so on you. I can't stop thinking about something since yesterday. And I have to tell you...."

His voice was breaking. I could hear the tears behind it. He paused to compose himself. Then, he said, through the tears:

"Baby, I want to be everything to you. I want to fulfill everything for you. And only for you. You are so beautiful. Inside and out. You are so wonderful to me. You are everything I've ever dreamed of, and I want to be everything you've ever dreamed of. I don't ever want you to hurt again. I will never, ever do anything to cause you pain again. I will never, ever do anything to risk you and what we have again. It's not worth it. YOU mean too much to me. Just give me time to show you and prove it to you. I swear I will."

Now, we're both in tears.

I need our date night tonight. I need to look in his eyes and see in them what's behind these words. He says that no one has ever looked at him with the love that are in my eyes when I look at him. I need to see and feel that again, too.


Poindexter said...

thinking of you - I hope that you both continue to give yourselves the chance to communicate and rebuild your bonds, finding out if you can get to the place that you need to be to feel whole, and loved, and cherished.

Blogget Jones said...

This is the sweetest wish for us! Thank you. Your good thoughts really do mean a lot.

Walker said...

Look, it's Christmas and I came here to say MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

And your present is

I am not going to comment on Ranger.

Besides I think you already know what I would say and I did go back to get all the skinny on Fatty Arbuckle

Blogget Jones said...

Walker... Yeah, I think I know what you would say! And MERRY CHRISTMAS to you, too! A day late ;o)