Thursday, July 24, 2008

Today's post #2: Ranger update

You might have noticed in "Medical Update" that I didn't mention Ranger much. He's had another catastrophe and spent the time span of my medical saga completely wallowing in self-pity over it.

Now, I'm not being insensitive. It really is a catastrophe. The Family Services system in his home state have caught up to his new job. They have a 100% garnishment system, meaning that all child support payments are made via wage garnishment. They have received his new employer information and started taking out child support last week.

On Saturday, Ranger received his latest paycheck from the convenience store. It was $34. The child support is being taken out of his check at 95%. They did not adjust the amount for his new, lower-paying job and are taking out the amount due from his higher-paying park ranger job.

To say Ranger panicked would be a gross understatement.

To say he handled it well would be very generous.

See, I'm an action person. Something happens, I allow myself to feel the shock, to be consumed by the emotion...for a time. Then, I look for the solutions. I have to face the reality of what can and can't be done. I admit, I do tend to be a Pollyanna until I hit a wall. I've seen it again and again....if you just communicate with people, they are more likely to work with you.

This is a problem I had with Old BF. He wallowed in a problem until it got bigger or it was too late for whatever solution had existed. For instance, he'd decide to respond to job ads the day before his rent was due. Unless I did it for him. Perfect.

Ranger has a bad habit of playing the "Yes, but..." game. You make a suggestion and he has a whole host of reasons why it won't work, without ever looking into it. Sometimes, he'll settle down and think about it later. Sometimes not.

But with this crisis, time is critical. He learns about this on Saturday. He has a car payment due Monday, a storage payment already due, and rent is two weeks away. Not to mention basics like gas and food. If any time is wasted, he'll end up homeless and without a car pretty damn quick.

I spent Saturday night hearing him tell me there was nothing to be done about it, and all was lost. He wouldn't hear anything else. He was dwelling on one question: "Why is this happening? What did I do wrong to deserve this?"

It's a pointless question. One that even if answered, provides no help or resolution. But this is what he was collapsing into, wallowing in, drowning in. He wouldn't hear me.

Sunday, get a text from him. "I think the best thing is for you to forget about me and my fucked up life."

I snapped. This pissed me off and it hurt me. In his wallowing, he'd decided what was best for me....which would be something that would make his life more miserable and increase the reason for wallowing. It was self-perpetuated wallowing. But it went further than that. Ranger always promised me that I wouldn't have to hurt again, I wouldn't have to worry about cheating, lying men anymore. I was safe. He would make me safe.

And now, he was just throwing me to the wolves. So that he could wallow. I snapped.

I'd had it with "Yes, but...." I'd had it with "Why?" I'd had it with self-pity. And now he was digging it deeper.

I reminded him of his promises to me, and that I'd believed him. I told him I was disturbed to see this side of him, a side without any fight. Any. And no desire to fight for me, but to just let me go to those wolves. He wanted to roll over and just let the worst happen, and he was taking steps to make it worse. And that really bothers me because it put me in the position of telling what he needed to do...and I've been there and didn't want to go back to it.

It should be noted that this is exactly why he's in this boat. He refused to participate in the divorce proceedings, claiming "no contest," because he didn't agree with it. So, all the child support hearings went on without him. The amount was set without his input. And they made it retroactive, so that he owed back child support through the date the divorce papers were filed. You'd think he'd learn from this what just rolling over gets you.

Might as well have bent over.

"So now you're mad," he texted. "Just one more thing I screwed up."

"No," I said. "I'm hurt. And I'm disappointed that you are willing to just do nothing about this."

"I just don't like looking like shit in front of you," he said.

"You only look like shit when you don't fight."

He called later and said he was sorry. He realized he was handling it poorly. The next day, he made the calls he needed to make. He's still being rather passive about it, though, just waiting for calls back instead of calling again to get what he needs. As I said, time is of the essence.

It's hard for me to hold back and not do all the things that need to be done. I learned before what a mistake that is. It won't really help, and sets a bad pattern. I can't go through that again. Ranger needs to find his own fighter in him. It has to be worth it to him. Is it a struggle? Yeah. But his solutions must be his own, not mine.


Walker said...

Gezz Ranger is soundling like a self defeating fatalist.
Tell him to get his shit together and go out and fight not hide.
I hate when people just fall down and wait for the end.
He should have informed the people for the child support of his new job instead of letting them attack his check.
He sounds alot like my EX, the slightest small thing that doesn't go her way and the world is ending.

Blogget Jones said...

Walker -- I'm with you there. This is a side of him that is extremely unattractive and frustrating. Rolling over and playing dead is just not in my nature. He's gotten on the stick this week and made the calls he needed to make, but he's just sitting and waiting for the calls back. So, he's about half way there. This worries me.