Monday, July 16, 2007


People say, "Dating is a minefield." Some surprises in dating just happen. You are on the lookout for the things that are red flags -- the things you can't live with long-term. The thing about the real mines is that they are a total surprise, and sometimes stepping on them is your own fault.

I did that. I stepped on a mine, and it was my own fault. I stepped into one of my own pet peeves -- selfishness. And it blew up in my face.

See, I went out with this guy. We've met a couple of times and talked a few. His divorce is less than a year old, so dating is new and uncomfortable to him. Finally, he was ready and he seems quite nice and level-headed, so we went out. We had a great time! We have a lot in common and are comfortable with each other. A very good time.

Here's where the hitch came. He was leaving town for a week, on a trip that had been planned for his kids long before the divorce, so his ex was going, too. Red flag. He said he'd call when he got back. That date came and went. Red flag. Sent him a sweet "Welcome home!" message. No answer. Red flag. Trip with an ex and now he's not calling or writing. Hmmm. Danger, Will Robinson.

Combine that with my history and the deep-seated self-doubt it's left me holding. I'm the one who gets lied to, cheated on, forgotten, pushed aside, taken for granted....blah blah. Of course, he wouldn't call. Of course, he'd get back together with his ex. Of course, he'd never let me know. I wouldn't rank that kind of consideration from anyone.

Looking back, I see my own pet peeve -- "me, me, me" all over the place. I didn't see it then, though. Instead, I wrote one last email, saying, "Listen, I know how it can go. You spent a week with your ex and your kids, and maybe it makes sense to try again. It's just that, if you don't want to see me, please let me know, okay?"

I got an answer back. He apologized for not contacting me sooner, but.... (wait for it)

His. Mother. Died.

His mother died. That's one of the major hits you take in life. I felt like a total heel. Still do. I came across as a total self-absorbed bitch, I'm sure.

Oh, I can hear a few of you now saying, "Yeah, right. You fell for that?" To you I say -- remember who you're talking to. My Sherlockness surfaced and I verified it. This man really did just lose his mother, and I was thinking it was all about me.

KABLOOEY! I stepped on a mine of my own making. I was the one with the red flag.

The good news is that he still really does want to see me. A lot. I told him that this isn't a good representation of who I am, and I've been here for the support he needs. That's helped. That's more like who I am.

Date #3 is later this week. I'll keep you posted

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