Don't get me wrong - I have nothing at all against games or gamers. I admire them, actually. They have a talent and intelligence that eludes me. I'm not good at games and have never been. It doesn't even matter what kind of game. It could be cards, board games, video games...I'm no good at them.
This is also why I don't want to be upper-level management. I'm dreadful at political games. My brain just does not work that way. I want people to be who they are and say what they think. I do that and expect no less from others. I do not have a poker face. My thoughts are obvious. My countenance has betrayed me many times. Subterfuge, plotting, scheming...I just have no aptitude in these arenas.
That includes mind games, as well.
I've come to realize that I live with a manipulative person. For as much as she says she hates when people try to manipulate her, she does the same thing. She has become intensely negative and wallows in self-pity, quite often. The worst part is the martyr syndrome, though.
The thing is that I fell for it again this morning. I let her manipulate me and provoke me, and I played right into what she wanted. Honestly, she could have just said what she wanted, but that would not have accomplished the entire picture.
I'm partly blind, but it's been necessary for me to drive myself places more and more often. I can pass all of the state tests, so I have a license, but it can be scary for me sometimes. Still, I can't always have a ride, so there it is.
It started out as, "Do you think you can do this?" We'd discuss it for days and do trial runs. We'd monitor the forecast because I have a lot of trouble seeing when it rains.
Then, it became, "You will need to drive on these days."
Now, it's an assumption. It's "I'm going out of town," and I just need to figure it out. See ya and good luck with it!
Today was a day when we were going to ride together. I'd paid her for gas ahead of time. But I knew something was up today, when she came into my area and wasn't even speaking to me. Total silence.
When she spoke, it was, "I'm so tired today."
"You need to be using your C-PAP," I said. It is true. There's an issue with it, and she's not getting it fixed, but it's been a real problem lately.
I accidentally dropped one of the dogs' treats. She dropped to the ground and started crawling around for it. Here we go, i thought. This is an action that she physically can't do, and it did not need to be done. This would take care of itself. So, that she was doing that meant it was a "throwing myself on the sword" thing, as a good martyr would.
We get in the car, and she sighs heavily. "I'm just so tired."
"Why don't I drive today?"
She turns a pitiful look to me. "I'd like that but I just couldn't ask that of you."
WTF?? She doesn't even bother to ask it anymore!
I said, "But you ask me to do that all the time."
That was the opening. And she walked through it with all indignation. "ALL the time? I ask ALL the time?"
And we're off! I handed her the thing she can pick on to be "hurt" that I would say something so inaccurate. If I'd thought ahead, I'd have known this would be the gift she was waiting for. See, to me, "all the time" means the thing is commonplace. To her, "all the time" is literal; it means that she spends 100% of her waking time asking me the question, "Can you drive today?" Extremely literal. And she pounced on it.
The situation degraded from there. I knew I'd been set up to feed the self-pity, and I said so. "I guess I'm not allowed to feel tired," she added. Her need to make me the villain and her the victim was pretty thick.
"You are NOT allowed to pick on me," I said. There was no escape from the manipulative behavior, until I literally escaped from the car and entered my own.
I wasn't too far away when I realized I'd forgotten my parking pass for work. I had to call to let her know I was coming back. How did she sound? Pleased as punch.
I'd handed her exactly what she wanted. Dammit. I'm so bad at handling these games.
This is my life. I'm so tired. I have to make a change. Before it's too late.
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