Saturday, August 11, 2018

The Non-Saturday

It's Saturday, and I'm at work. I should maybe point out that I work a regular Monday to Friday, 8-5 job, so being here is unusual. For most people. But not for me and this job. The workload they give us is one that's impossible to do (by the deadlines) if you just work the normal hours.  So, being here, in my office is not that unusual.

Sad, but not unusual.

It's particularly sad when the rest of my family is off doing the thing that I've been wanting to do.  It's hard to hear them say, "You know that thing you've been wanting to do, but we keep putting it off?  We're going to go do it without you."

So many things make me sad lately.

I used to think that God hates me, but now I've been shown that it's absolutely true.  "God loves all of his children," they like to say.  He does not.  He has favorites. And He has those that just get kicked around.  I'm among the kicked around ones.  Sometimes, people ask if I believe in God.  Yes, I do. I know He exists.  But I also know that the promises of His love do not include me.

I'm on my own.

For the longest time - my whole life -  I have wished for my great love story.  Part of me is trying to wrap my head around the idea that it will never exist for me.  The rest of me keeps looking and wondering.  And I wonder if it's something that I really want in the here and now?  Because I have this inkling of an idea that is getting stronger.

I only feel at home when I am in England. Yorkshire, specifically.  It could be a generational memory.  I've done the research, and the roots are there.  Ancestors born in Yorkshire.  Their DNA is in me and perhaps their love of it is what I feel, too.  I can't be sure of the why and the how, but the what is definitely there.

So, if I am going to make a plan to relocate my life, or even most of it, overseas, then do I need or want a love here, who might not want to go?  Or want me to go?

Ah, the ways I can complicate my life!

But I do miss that little thrill of hearing the phone ding, and seeing a special someone's name.  And I miss being kissed. Such a long time.,,,

No comments: