I have this feeling of time moving too fast, and I don't seem to have enough of it left. I'm feeling my mortality, I suppose. I have fewer days ahead than behind, and I'm none too happy with how I've used my time so far.
Stress is obliterating my health lately. I need to get that under control, in a way I've never been able to before. Why is it that I feel strong and committed and ready to tackle it all when I'm in the shower, then it all falls apart when someone says, "Want a bagel?" Which is super bad for me, by the way. I would actually be better off eating a donut, if that says anything. But yes, I stress eat. That's BAD.
Last week, I learned that I now have high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure. If anything, it goes low. But I also have an insulin pump, a continuous glucose monitor, and pain. You know what's hilarious? The joint of my middle finger gets stuck. Overuse, maybe?
You know what all of this adds up to? A decidedly hideously unattractive person. As funny and nice as people think I am, I'm in no way considered a romantic partner. I have a coworker who everyone is convinced should be dating me. I've bene told, and he's been told. He calls me damn near every day. And what do we talk about? Among other things, his dating life. The one that never, ever includes me.
God, what I wouldn't give to have that moment again, where you know someone really wants to kiss you. You know? I honestly suspect that I will never have that again. Only in memories. Or fantasies.
So, I'm not at all living the life that I want. I feel the pressure to get ON with it. To salvage what time I have left finding my joy, if that's even possible. The pages are flying off of the calendar, and I feel desperate about it.
Before anything else, I have to - HAVE TO - get my health under control. I've recently watched my ex-husband get gastric bypass surgery, but the aftermath was horrible. Constantly being sick. I have too much of an aversion to vomiting. He's dropped a bunch of weight - but he's still an asshole. And he looks so old. I seriously doubt I could do that without wanting to just walk into the ocean and end it all.
Maybe if I was an attractive person things would go better. There, I said it. I see things go ridiculously well for the attractive people of the world, often just because someone takes a shine to them.
Then, I have to get my work sorted out. How can I make it happen?
All the while, I need to find my center again. I need to find tranquility. Peace. I think it's asking too much to find happiness, but just calm my mind.
My pie in the sky dream would be to spend an extended amount of time in Yorkshire. I feel like I belong there. It draws me, all day and all night. Le sigh. Do I dare hope?
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