Poison Control

This is going to be a pretty honest post.  I am confident now that the ones I've been protecting by keeping silent are no longer reading this.  They've chosen to ignore me in other aspects - online and in person - so why would they be here?  And if they are here - well, it's their own lookout if they want to creep on me.

I'm rethinking many things right now.  Each morning, I thank God for the love of those who truly love me.  I'm thinking of what love means.  I'm looking back and re-evaluating what I thought the truth was.  And I'm realizing that, once again, I might not have been where I thought I was.

Is all of this useful in moving my life forward?  Quite.  It's helping me remove toxicity.  If someone has no investment in me, than I must pull back and not invest my caring and energies.  I promised to always be there, and I'll honor that promise because that's who I am.  But if it's called upon, it will come with an understanding that relationships of ALL kinds are a two-way street.

As you know, dear Diary, a common theme in my relationships is honesty, or a lack thereof.  Lies have been commonplace.  The knife in my back has been heavy.  Secrets are under every rock.  When I first met Jacob, I told him this.  He said two things to me.  First, he has nothing hidden; what you see is what you get.  Second, he said I was always enough for him.  Looking back, he said those things knowing they weren't true.  His transgenderness was hidden.  And I would never be enough for him because I don't have a penis.

I proved myself a giving and accepting partner, who stands by someone through anything and gives all she has to her commitments.  I'm very into the "we" of relationships, the togetherness.  I thought that was reciprocal.  Yet as I was going into debt to keep the households afloat, though, he was ordering things like handcrafted wooden wands.  I feel ever more the fool to realize that I fell for the oldest line in the book: "I'm working late."  To my knowledge, he spent very little time with The Interloper, mainly talking in harmless text messages.  I trusted that this was the case because he knew my past betrayals and, certainly, would never do that to me.  As promised.

It seems I was wrong.  I've been thinking hard about this.  I grossly underestimated the level of narcissism I was dealing with.  His time away from home simply had to include cultivating that relationship.  It's the only explanation for how quickly it moved once he had me out of the way.  Immediately after he had me out of the way.

By his own admission, he says they'd gotten to know each other quite well before he and I broke up.  How so, if he didn't spend time with her?  By his own words, it makes no sense.  I smell a rat in panties.

Also, I have realized that he made sure I was out of the way on the first night we were alone together after my daughter left for college.  What coincidental - and sensitive - timing, don't you think?  This reeks of planning, and I feel a fool for not seeing it coming for as long as it probably was.

He professed to needing me in his life, regardless.  That he needed my friendship, that we were "best friends," but those words have been proved hollow, as well.  Even friendship involves wanting to know how your friend is doing.  I even opened myself to talking about his relationship, which he apparently is only honest about when drinking.  Many honesties about Jacob come forth when he's drinking.

Which leads me to more confessions.  Yes, we relapsed with each other while drinking once.  If I'm going to be honest, though, it happened twice.  If I'm going to be really honest, I'd need to expand that to the several bouts of sexting while he was drinking.  I'd get the most honest texts from him then, when he'd spill his concerns for his relationship and his desires for me.  He said that he needed to be open and honest with her that allowing him to be unfaithful would be a condition of a relationship with him, and in particular, he needed to be "free" to pleasure me whenever he liked.  And according to him, he had strong desires in that direction.  The idea of me with other men was just too exciting for him, and he needed to act upon it.  And he again swore that she would not be allowed to interfere with his desires.  it was a "condition" for him to be happy.

Again, I've spoken with another friend about this, who pointed out that this makes me karma embodied for The Interloper.  Ironic.

Please note - he never asked what my desires would be in such a situation.  He assumed I would want him, too, without asking where I was on this.  Typical narcissism.  I'm done with any kind of intimacy with him.  I learned pretty quickly how meaningless it all is to him.

Now, from what I can see, he lets me hear major news in his life via social media and rarely speaks to me at all.  I never hear "How are you?" and have grown tired of asking and getting nothing back.  He makes an effort to ignore my blogs and social media.  So, it appears that my level of importance has definitely cratered.  I have to assume that this is something he has kept from her and never meant to stand up for (outside of being drunk).

I once told him that I had doubts about our relationship.  I was talking about that with Daughter recently, and explained to her that the root of all of those doubts rose from his crippling narcissism.  He takes self-love to an unhealthy degree, in that it's actually damaging to those around him.  THEY must accommodate HIM or suffer his ire and wrath.  Lovers and children included.  He doesn't do sacrifice well, if at all.

Her response?  She'd noticed.  She'd felt it.  And she was concerned about what life would be like for me in that situation, if I stayed with him long-term.

She's a wise child.

All of this adds up to some pretty serious toxicity.  Something that's made me feel bad about myself and who I am and have been.  He is the latest in a string of hard lessons.  So, this time, I'm taking control and moving this influence out of my daily life.  I've gotten things back from him and returned others.  I've severed ties and reminders.  I don't have to be made to feel like I deserve to be lost and forgotten.  I have the love of those who truly love me, and I should not waste my love on those who make me feel like I'm rotten.

ALL that said, I still don't wish him ill will.  I will be his friend, should he need one.  I hope he finds the happiness he says he wants.  I hope he's honest in the future - with himself and others - and is able to learn unselfishness, to truly become and achieve what he wants.  And I hope he looks back with self-awareness, and that he grows some conscience about what it took to get there.

ADDENDUM - May 5, 2014: If I needed a confirmation of all of this, I got one. Talk about being insensitive and making me feel rotten - I just read that they've chosen a spot for their ceremony that was a stop on our "family vacation" together.  That's completely fucked up.  We made memories there that *I* thought were special.  I guess not so much if it's where you're taking someone else to make memories.  This is actually just the latest in a string of things he's done with her that duplicated details about and with me.  She should feel about as special as I do….