Monday, May 23, 2011


I've been debating for weeks about whether or not to blog about this.  Yet another twist in my dating life, and it might lose a few readers and might gain others.  In any case, since it happened, it's sent me off on an unexpected journey of self-discovery...which again, might lose or gain readers.

But this is about what's in my head as a result of my dating life, dear Diary.  I haven't shied away from honest topics before now.  So, I've decided it will be blogged.

It apparently started when Jacob and I were having one of our conversations, sitting on the couch.  I don't remember the context, but I was saying that if someone tells you all about themselves, secrets and all, before you get involved, then it's "full disclosure."  You know what you're getting into and can make the choice of whether or not to get into it.

I guess Jacob thought about that and decided the next day that it was time for full disclosure.

We were having another of our conversations, in the kitchen.  He seemed a little distracted.  I knew something was amiss.  He has this gesture he does when he's unsure, and he was doing it a lot. 

"You mentioned 'full disclosure' the other night," he said.  "There are things you don't know."

That buzzing in the back of my head started.  The white noise feeling that starts when something painful is happening.  I think it tries to protect me, not let me get overwhelmed when something really hurts, and I need time to sort it out.

I'd had suspicions that there was a secret, something hidden.  WYSIWYG was too good to be true. I just had a feeling that something was brewing under the surface.

"So, tell me," I said, calm as I could manage.  "What is it you think I should know?"

He was holding his phone, messing with it.  I could see the screen from the top edge.  My eyesight isn't sharp.  From that angle, I can make out forms, but not details.

He was staring at a picture.  Holding it in such a way that I couldn't get a clear look at it.  But I made out forms.

It seemed to have been taken in the same room we were standing in.  I could make out a human form.  With a halter-style bikini top.

A woman.  He was looking at a pic of a woman. 

Was I really at this point yet again?  Another woman. Hanging out here with him.  Just like I did.  Another relationship, parallel to mine.  Another woman.  Again.


My heart started to break instantly.  Was I really not enough to Jacob, too?  What the hell....

He sighed one of those "here we go" sighs.  Then, he turned the screen to face me, so I could have a better look.

And there she was.  Blonde. Pretty.  Leaning against the antique stove, with a smile to Jacob behind the camera.  I felt the tears welling up. The buzzing got louder.  I wanted to puke.

Then I noticed it and froze.

She had a little tattoo.

In the middle of her forehead.

Identical to Jacob's tattoo, in the same place. 

And the light started to dawn....

She wasn't smiling to Jacob.  She was Jacob.

The buzzing ceased. The tears subsided.  In this moment, Jacob was not betraying me; he was trusting me.

"Oh," I said. But it was more an expression of intrigue than anything else.  "So, tell me about this."

He retreated.  Jacob is a very non-confrontational person.  He was uneasy.  "What do you mean?"

"I mean, tell me about this.  Tell me what it means.  Tell me what role this plays in your life," I said.  "Tell me what to expect."

He cocked his head at me, like he didn't understand.  Then, he started talking.  In short, he likes to dress as a woman, now and again.  After seeing Rocky Horror, his ex admitted to being excited by the image of Tim Curry, in women's lingerie.  So, Jacob obliged and found he enjoyed the feel of it himself.

"Basically, half of my closet looks like it doesn't belong to me," he said.

"And what should I do?  What can I expect?"

He thought.  "Just don't be shocked if you climb into my bed and find another woman there." He laughed. Jacob handles awkwardness with humor.

"Are you totally freaked out now?" he said.

I took a step back and examined what was happening in my head.  The heartache stopped.  The buzzing stopped.  I felt...relief.  Really? 


To my surprise, I found that what I felt was...peace.

"No," I said. "Actually, I'm not freaked out at all.  Surprised, but not freaked out."

He smiled.  He looked relieved.  "You know, I was really happy when you said you wear a size 10 shoe," he said.  "Same size as me. I have a lot of sexy shoes.  Want to try some on some time?"

Did I mention Jacob has a bit of a foot fetish?


Walker said...

Whatever floats your boat is good for you.
If it's something you are fine with then there is nothing wrong but you might end up fighting for the same dress one day and then again....he may look better in it HA HA HA!!!!!

I say enjoy life but if his nose gets itchy its because he probably has athletes nose

~ellen~ said...

Oh my goodness, with that buildup I thought it was going to be something bad!

Guys who like to dress up in women's clothes have gotten a bad rap, but it's not weird, it's completely harmless sexy fun. You are lucky!

Also, he broke Dan Savage's prime directive: when telling a sweetie about a sexual interest, never ever make it out to be a big scary terrible thing, like telling someone you have leukemia; present it like it's a fun gift that you both get to enjoy.

Have fun :)

Blogget Jones said...

Walker - it is a bit of an adjustment to talk about makeup tips with my boyfriend, and to go shopping and he's really into it. But I am finding these things are really fun together...and he's still my Jacob, underneath it all.

Ellen - I tried to write the build-up just like it happened for me. There's still a voice in the back of my head, asking, "Why doesn't this bug you?" But it doesn't and has actually been fun.

On the Dan Savage thing: I know, right? I think he was so afraid that I was going to reject him because of it. He took quite a leap in telling me.

:o) BJ

Anonymous said...

NO WAY! Like Ellen, I totally thought this was going in another direction and am so glad to read that it didn't. The fact that he was able to share this with you and wants to be 100% himself around you speaks volumes for the state of your relationship and for the trust that the two of you have in each other.