Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sometimes....

...what you have to blog about just isn't pretty. Finally, I'll catch myself over-thinking it and just say, "Spill it, Blogget." So, here I am. Spilling it.

Pain is a constant companion now. And an unwelcome one. I don't want to take pain meds because (1) I don't want to be an addict (and I seriously feel I could become one now), and (2) I just can't function that way. I went to the ER two weeks ago because of the pain in my back. I thought it might be kidney stones. Nope. The x-rays from the day of the accident show that my problem in my lower back is worse. The disc is almost gone. Bone spurs are rubbing bones spurs, on the adjacent vertebrae. So, it's time to do something real about it. I think ignoring it for 16 years has finally come to an end. I made an appointment with an orthopaedic surgeon. August 20th seems a long way away, though, to cope with pain until then.

Ranger is a big help, but wishes he could do more. He wants to watch over me all the time. Keep me safe. Run interference with the insanity that is my household right now. He wants to be my refuge, my shelter. But he doesn't live with me, so we make do. He wishes he was there a lot, when I'm hurting. Daughter helps, too.

She went to band camp for a week. It's the longest time she's been away from home, without me nearby. The camp was just for her high school marching band. An intensive week of marching and fun, bringing the band together into a cohesive unit. It paid off, too. Their show looks great so far. They'll march at halftime at the Alamo Bowl in January. You can bet, I'll be there, too.

That week, she proved her independence. She's a young woman now. She stands her own ground and is her own person. When they got home, they gave the parents a preview of their show for this year. My God, she's so grown up now. I watched her, doing this astounding new thing she's learned, and I got tears in my eyes. I remember all the other astounding things she's learned - crawling, walking, taking toys apart, putting them together, feeding herself, dressing herself, climbing trees, her wonderful art. It goes on and on. But this is the first big thing she's learned that I didn't already know how to do! Whatta girl.

We spotted Drama Queen at the band performance. Apparently, her new boyfriend is in the band. (You remember...the one she said her mother was making her go out with. Like anyone bought that....) She walked past all 10 of our group (like you can miss us) with her nose in the air, not looking at us or acknowledging our presence at all. We did a lot for that kid, and here we are. She went to the fence in front of the bleachers, clinging to the chain link, and staring longingly into the field, as though waiting for her long lost love to come home from war.

Gag. Pardon me.

Thank God that's gone. Son has a new girl. She likes his car. Her daddy had one just like it when he was a teenager. So, he likes Son's car, too. She comes over to play video games. They watch a lot of movies. Ones Son used to turn his nose up at, but now....he's learning to like something new. Old movies. Fred Astaire. Cary Grant. Judy Garland. Gene Kelly. So far, I like this one.

Ranger had a court date on July 24th. Well, he was supposed to. Coincidentally, I had a conference in Denver on July 23rd, so we made plans to go over the mountains together. Two days before, his date was changed to August 24th. This pissed me off.

See, I don't switch gears on a plan very well. Especially for a trip with that particular purpose. I have to mentally prepare myself to see Ranger as the convicted felon in the courtroom. That hurts to even say. This is the man who loves me how people should love. Like no one ever has before. It's what I've wished for and dreamed of, and was starting to think was impossible.

Then, there we are. And I hate it. I just want to bolt and cry and rail at God and say why? for so many things. And I look at Ranger, and I wonder why, too. He doesn't know that I think that when he did this thing, he was willing to risk me, us, in the whole thing. He played with our future and lost. How lost is it?

So, I get braced for it and...there's no impact. It's delayed. I get pissy.

He went with me anyhow. We had some time alone together. We talk with each other about things no one else undertands. We listen to music and laugh and sing along. We explored Leadville and nearby ghost towns, too, which was fun.

Driving in the car was hard on me, though. Stupid rental car. Ranger can't drive it, so it was all me. I miss my car. Allegedly, it will be healed this Friday. I can't wait!

We ended up staying an extra night out in Glenwood Springs. I was just too tired and in pain to make it the rest of the way that night.

In all this, he's still my solace in a lot of ways. He's some of my pain and some of my solace. How weird is that? For two nights he got to do what he wanted to do, and what I needed. He curled up around me and soothed me to sleep. Through the pain and torment, he has a unique way of soothing me into the rest that eludes me otherwise.

So, here we are again. The good, bad, and ugly.

6 comments:

Ronjazz said...

You are absolutely strong and savvy, honey. Stand up...and you'll be fine. I promise...:)

Blogget Jones said...

Thank you, Ron....you help keep me sane!

Angella Lister said...

Your daughter sounds amazing. So great that you're so present for her growing. I hope this new doctor can help you get a handle on your pain, and that all goes well this month for Ranger. You're handling a lot, but you're handling it! Sending all good thoughts your way.

Fishsticks and Fireflies said...

When it rains, it pours, right?! I will be counting down the days until your visit with the orthopeodic doctor with you . . . I hope they are able to come to a quick resolution for your pain. And I empathize with Ranger being in limbo and you just wanting the whole thing to be over and done with. Here's hoping that times passes quickly as well!

e jerry said...

(We could use some culture here in Colorado; Leadville, Colorado...) Who'd have ever thought of it but Horace Tabor?

Yeah, I had to do it...

Blogget Jones said...

Angella -- many thanks for the encouragement! And yes, Daughter is amazing to me, every day!

F and F -- Some days are heavy....I'm about to post about the doc, too. No new job for Ranger yet, but he is living in a new place.

Jerry - LOL!! Yes, exactly! I've been to the Matchless Mine and seen where Baby Doe died. Wow, what a story....