Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm just so tired....

Ranger had to appear in court on Monday. He had a hearing to change his not-guilty plea to guilty.

See, he admits to stealing some money, but not near the amount they are claiming. His lawyer's office reviewed the surveillance tapes and agrees, but the postal center's owners want their bad accounting covered by this, too. That way, they are not responsible for the larger shortfall they show. Ranger is.

I know...that's not fair. So, his lawyer approached the prosecutor with what he found. The response? Challenge this at all, and they'll go for jail time. Keep quiet and take it, and they'll go for probation. And restitution.

I have to pause here. The back of my brain is screaming because of what I'm talking about. I don't have vocabulary like "appear in court," "jail time," and "probation" in my life. I broken up with Old BF once because he was arrested for shoplifting. Oh, and he was cheating on me. Again. This is not shit I'm accustomed to handling. And I don't like it at all.

So why am I handling it for Ranger? Because he loves me like no one else has. Because I love him like no one else has, and he lets me. Because our relationship is how I've always dreamed two people should be together, but thought it was an idea in my own head.

And this makes me feel like those women I despise on Jerry Springer, when he asks, "Why don't you leave him?" And she says....

"Because I LOVE him!"

Am I that pathetic? Really?

A dear friend asked me what my breaking point was. I'm not entirely sure, but I know I cannot handle jail time.

I keep asking myself, can our dreams still come true? Did he put that on the line, too, when he did this?

I tried not to think too hard on that, sitting in the courtroom on Monday. Yeah, I went with him. It was in Denver, so it was a little road trip. We went Sunday and stayed at a hotel that I had a coupon for. Pretty nice place, actually. It all felt weird, though. It felt like we were on a little long as I didn't think about why we were going.

So, I sat in the back of the courtroom and watched the man I love confess to something awful. I listened to the judge tell him what the sentence could be and then go over his plea agreement. I listened to her set a sentencing date. It was 45 minutes of tearing my heart out. 45 life-altering minutes. His life could never be the same after that. Some of his freedom would then be gone. He'd just had a felony laid over his shoulders.

He had to meet with the probation officer, who will do an investigation prior to the sentencing. She'll basically investigate his whole life before making a recommendation to the court. In the meantime, he has to get a few things in a row. He has to get a job, which are few and far between right now. He has to find a new place to live because one roommate is a felon. If he doesn't find a new place to live, they'll make him live in Denver. Five hours away from me.

On the way back, it didn't feel like a vacation anymore. We were quiet. I was sad. And oh-so-tired. He put on a radio show to listen to. It annoyed me.

I'm still sad, but I've kept it under wraps. I need to talk to him about this, but I don't want to depress him or make him feel worse. But it needs to be known. It needs to be out there for the both of us, and not just festering in me.

My folks got a hot tub. When I got home, I soaked in it and watched the bats fly around the yard, in the fading light of dusk. I sure wish I could forget for a little while. I tend to be a Pollyanna as it is, but this is challenging my look-on-the-bright-side superpowers.

While I was still in Denver, I noticed several missed calls from my ex-husband. Then, my mom called. "I thought you needed a heads-up before Ex calls you," she said. See, Son has been ignoring his calls for weeks. He just got tired of being chewed out every time they talked. Ex even asked me about it, so I told him. "Well, tell him I won't do that anymore, if he'll answer," Ex said. I relayed the message, but Son didn't care.

Until Monday. He answered the phone on Monday. His lying-sack dad proceeded to chew on him. Son lost it. Combine the mood problems with the stress of finals, and you get supernova. My mother could hear him screaming at his dad: "This is why I don't answer you! All you do is chew on me!" Then, Son hung up on him.

According to Ex, Son let him have it, about what rights he did and didn't have in his life, about backing off, about....well, I don't know it all. But Ex is pissed. He called back and left Son and voicemail, telling him that he wasn't putting up with that behavior and it was now up to Son to do the calling and contacting. He wouldn't bother anymore.

I texted Son to see if he was okay. His response?

"I don't care."

Oh man. He's been in a foul temper ever since.

I do feel a little bad for my Ex. I know this is hurtful, whether or not he caused the rift. Actually, believe it or not, I think he's blaming me for a lot of it. I didn't include him enough as a father....when he moved 10 hours away. My dad stepped into the father-figure role in Ex's absence, and Ex resents it. So, that's my fault. Apparently.

But still, I feel bad because I know how it feels to catch the brunt of Son's temper. I haven't told my Ex that the boy has actually hit me. He'd mess up what threads of a relationship I'm building back together with Son. The man just doesn't get what a "father" should be.


Lady in red said...

not suprising that you are tired.

my ex doesn't get what being a father is either

Ronjazz said...

We cannot control, Blogget, who we fall in love is what it is. All we can control is how we react to all that happens. You are in a very painful place, because of the real potential of having to give it up. Whatever hold close to your heart that none of this is a bad reflection on you. If anything, you are proving somewhat the old belief about unconditional love. I don't ascribe to it, but many folks do. And you offer a wonderful example.

Angella Lister said...

Life gets complicated, doesn't it. You don't have to decide everything immediately. Let it unfold and see how you feel. I'm talking about Ranger, and the situation with your Ex and your son. Sometimes it can be so hard to just let a thing play out. The not knowing is the tough thing. But maybe we have to live in that place sometimes, to let things get clear, and maybe even get healed.

Fire Byrd said...

Angella's advice sounds good to me.
There is nothing you can do about other people, you can only decide waht you can do about yourself in life, and that's tough enough for any of us.

Fire Byrd said...

Oh and for what it's worth my ex is an absolute waste of space. And has seen his sons once for four hours in 15 years!!!! And owes me $100,000 in unpaid support.....

Blogget Jones said...

Lady -- I know kids don't come with manuals, but the guy has been told by me and his own son to stop chewing him out. Why is it so important to him to do that? Well, it's blown up in his face now! Why can't they get it??

Ron -- you're incredibly sweet to me. I do tend to love in an "all-in" kind of way....and gambling like that can hurt. Alot. But thank you.

Angella -- excellent points. I tend to want to know there's a plan, and sometimes I just can't know that. There's so much I'm afraid of losing right now, but I there's nothing I can do. You're right -- let it play out.

Byrd -- true. I have to decide my place in all this. And your ex sounds worse than mine! Mine does eventually pay the child support, the pittance that it is. It's sad that they just can't "get it"!

Thank you, my friends!

:o) BJ

Walker said...

The men in your life are a pain in the ass.

Restitution as in paying back even the money he says he didn't take?

Personally I would have told them to stuff it.
What Ranger did was wrong but I would have gone to jail and called them on it before I took the fall for their stuff.

Standing by your man means you have to accept his BS, I can see where you would be confused right now between love for him and displeasure of recent events.

If his sticky fingers are a habit you may have more headaches down the road.

EXs and kids.....

Run away from home