Thursday, February 05, 2009

At the dimming of the day....

So, something is weighing heavily on my head lately. It's a subtext to my life, though. It runs in the background, but I think about it really often.

In the meantime, life is happening okay. The kids are doing pretty well. Son is enjoying homeschooling and is handling it well. He's starting to enjoy seeing the psychiatrist, which he didn't think he would. He's too obsessed with a particular computer game, but he does that now and again. Daughter is doing...well, spectacular. She's obsessed with a particular Anime forum, but she also does that now and again.

I think our house in Texas might finally be selling. It's been nearly two years and a huge financial drain. But the blood-letting just might be over. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Ranger is doing well. He needs a better job, with reliable hours and pay. He might have some consulting opportunities, though, and he's working on getting his rock shop up and running again. That'll require a trip to Missouri soon, though. That's okay. I need to see my sister, and I need to meet Ranger's daughter. Here's a weird thing -- his ex has made a pen pal of me on Facebook. She's learning that I'm harmless, though, and that's a good thing.

Ranger's son is struggling. Funny, his problems are similar to my son's, but maybe worse. He's failing out of school and displaying very clear depression symptoms. What's bugging Ranger is his lack of communication. About anything. He's often silent in their conversations. That's another reason to head to Missouri for a bit. Ranger needs to see his kids, face-to-face. This is weighing heavily on him, the last couple of weeks.

For me, work is plugging right along. I'm watching my back more now. I'll be glad to go to Reno in March. I've been asked to go review the distance courses at UNR. I have friends there, so it'll be good. I need to go to Texas soon, too, to testify in a friend's case against the University there. Fun, fun.

So, in the background of all of this, I have my nagging thoughts, my pressing desires, my problem I'm trying to work out. And here it is.

I want to be married.

To Ranger.

In the ten years since my divorce, I've had three "official" marriage proposals. Two weren't right. The third is literally the charm. It feels so different. It feels like...yes, it's time and this time it's right. We take care of each other. He tells me his goal is to make sure I'm happy every day of my life. He says he doesn't want to step in and "dad" my kids, but he can be the best friend and support they've ever had. And at the end of the day, when the world is quiet and dark, it's each other we crave. I love him with all my heart. We fit.

The Corrs have a song called "The Dimming of the Day." It describes how I feel perfectly. For the most part. A couple of lines don't fit, but here goes. Click the title to hear the song itself (if you right-click the link and tell it to open in a new window, you can read and listen at the same time):

"Dimming Of The Day"

This old house is falling down around my ears
I am drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
And I need you at the dimming of the day

You pull me like the moon pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side

What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonnie birds have wheeled away
And I need you at the dimming of the day

Come the night you're only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant

I see you on the street in company
Why don't you come and ease your mind with me
I am living for the night we steal away
And I need you at the dimming of the day
Yes I need you at the dimming of the day

Yes, he's asked. Not just asked if I'd consider it, like earlier, but really asked me to be his wife. No ring or any some such yet. It's between us, and we're gradually bringing those around us up-to-speed with the idea. We've talked about it with my kids. I mean, they've been accustomed to my undivided attention for ten years now.

Ranger has told his ex he wants to marry me. He hasn't told his kids. My kids and I have met his son - and he likes us - but I need to meet his daughter, too. I won't allow her to be blindsided, like my kids were by my ex's second wife.

I've spoken to my mother about it. We have a big stumbling block with the question of where to live. First, my son doesn't want to move again. Second, we don't have enough money for a house just yet. Third, we do not want to start a life together in the same house as my parents.

For obvious reasons.

So, for now, we save and plan and hope and dream. And when the day turns dim, we long for the comfort of each other. In the night, we reach to an empty side of the bed. When a new day dawns, we start all over again, wishing to see each other when we wake.

Sappy, I know. It's just how I am.


Anonymous said...

What a difficult situation to be in - all around. I hope that this is the year that things start to come together and fall in line. I think both you and Ranger are handling things the right way and going about things in a way that will help everything fall into place in the long run. I'm rooting for you!

Blogget Jones said...

Thank you!! It's hard to be patient. Especially when you're not really built for patience. Like me. :o/