Monday, January 02, 2006


I just gotta know. Maybe some guys out there can shed some light on this for me. What exactly is it about the Internet that makes some men decide vulgarity is the way to a girl's heart?

Hmmm. I suppose it's not really her heart he's after, though, with all that rubbish. Is it?

"Hey, you're from Lubbock. Me, too. Wanna fuck?"
"I like your hair, baby. Wanna fuck?"
"Hi. 26m single. U look hot. Wanna fuck a younger guy?"
or the ever charming - "You got a good rack. Fill out that top nice. Wanna fuck?"

I'm not making this stuff up. These are quotes. Some are more subtle, if you can use that term with these fellas.

"How are you."
"Fine. And you?"
"I'm good. You're in Lubbock?"
"Yes, I am. You, too?"
"Yes. I saw your pic. Very nice, if you don't mind me saying."
"Well, thank you. That's sweet of you to say."
"Your welcome." (They hardly ever get that word right.) "So, what do you do for fun?"

Let's go to the IM dictionary: "fun" equals "sex." Now, we're getting to what he really wants.

"Movies, music. The usual."
"Want to go out with me some time? I'm a good fuck." And there you have it folks!

I have to know -- are there really girls out there who respond to this? Are they really stupid enough to say, "Yeah! Sure! I'm a good fuck, too!" Or maybe it's just some series of grunts that these cavemen at her virtual door understand.

Words of wisdom for men dealing with intelligent women online:

  • We are not impressed with abbreviations like "how r u" and spellings like "kewl". Tell me "CUL8R" and no, you won't. Ever.

  • We are not interested in pictures of your crotch. If you say, "Here's a pic of me," it better be your face.

  • We are not your sweetheart, baby, honey, darlin', or even sweetie. You don't even know me! I could really be that 600-pound man down the street who hasn't left his chair for any reason in the last ten years. (Say, "Ew.")

Seriously, 9 of 10 messages I receive from men online are like this. I'm so relieved to talk to the tenth one, the guy with a brain placed between his ears and not his legs, that I can't wait to talk to him again. But he seems to be an endangered species, and that quite frankly panics me.

(Note: I know women can be just as bad. I just haven't heard from as many of them.)

I find it disheartening, especially when I realize I'm considered naive for wanting something more from online conversations. I want discourse, not intercourse!

Here's a good rule of thumb, in my humble opinion: If you can't say it to her in person without getting slapped, then don't say it online. Seems a little cowardly, too, doesn't it? Hiding behind a computer so that she can't throw a drink in your face for being crude, rude, and socially unacceptable. Ooooo. My hero.

It takes a real man, of intelligence, to rock my world -- then I'll rock his.

Whatever happened to grace, charm, and plain ol' respect? Why does the Internet make people forget it?

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