The Non-Saturday

It's Saturday, and I'm at work. I should maybe point out that I work a regular Monday to Friday, 8-5 job, so being here is unusual. For most people. But not for me and this job. The workload they give us is one that's impossible to do (by the deadlines) if you just work the normal hours.  So, being here, in my office is not that unusual.

Sad, but not unusual.

It's particularly sad when the rest of my family is off doing the thing that I've been wanting to do.  It's hard to hear them say, "You know that thing you've been wanting to do, but we keep putting it off?  We're going to go do it without you."

So many things make me sad lately.

I used to think that God hates me, but now I've been shown that it's absolutely true.  "God loves all of his children," they like to say.  He does not.  He has favorites. And He has those that just get kicked around.  I'm among the kicked around ones.  Sometimes, people ask if I believe in God.  Yes, I do. I know He exists.  But I also know that the promises of His love do not include me.

I'm on my own.

For the longest time - my whole life -  I have wished for my great love story.  Part of me is trying to wrap my head around the idea that it will never exist for me.  The rest of me keeps looking and wondering.  And I wonder if it's something that I really want in the here and now?  Because I have this inkling of an idea that is getting stronger.

I only feel at home when I am in England. Yorkshire, specifically.  It could be a generational memory.  I've done the research, and the roots are there.  Ancestors born in Yorkshire.  Their DNA is in me and perhaps their love of it is what I feel, too.  I can't be sure of the why and the how, but the what is definitely there.

So, if I am going to make a plan to relocate my life, or even most of it, overseas, then do I need or want a love here, who might not want to go?  Or want me to go?

Ah, the ways I can complicate my life!

But I do miss that little thrill of hearing the phone ding, and seeing a special someone's name.  And I miss being kissed. Such a long time.,,,

I've missed you, dear Diary.

Two years? It's really been two years since I posted here?  So much has changed.

Why have I been absent? Because my life is in a constant state of insanity. Work is intense. Two years ago, I had no idea the kind of stress and pressure I'd walked into here.  Now, it's all stress and pressure.

Recently, I have seriously considered moving to England. No, really!  To be with BB, you ask, dear Diary?  No...not to be with BB. A few months ago, we decided to just be friends again. Yes, we still have love for one another, but we were each spending a lot of time feeling sad and lonely, being apart.  I told him that I'd rather he be happy than waiting around for us to be geographically together.

I missed my trip to see him in 2016, having surgery at the exact date and time that I was supposed to be stepping on a plane to Manchester.  I surprised him last year, but couldn't stay as long as usual.  I guess we weren't meant to be romantically together.

Other things that are new (I'll try to be brief).....

We lost my dad's brother and his wife to injuries sustained in a car accident, last year. That has been rough on the family, to lose both brothers so close together.

I've seen SO MANY historical sites and seriously cool things while living here.  I'll revisit some for you :)  This is a great area, and a good move for us.

Son has a Real Job.  Benefits and all!  I feel a little better about his future...if he'd only get a place of his own, now!  Time to launch, birdie.

A couple of months ago, a very difficult event happened.  Our home burned.

Ten days later.... Daughter got married!  Her husband is amazing. They are two sides of the same coin. I couldn't have chosen better for her.

And me? Things are not what I thought they'd be at almost-50.

Right now, my life is...I'm not sure what it is.  I have a lot of thoughts.  A lot of things to express in a space where my family isn't watching.  I have thoughts they wouldn't like.  And I have many topics to talk about.

I've missed you, dear Diary.  But now I'm back.