Friday, May 20, 2016

The People That You Meet

I'm finding all the good geeks. My people!  I need my people in this sea of strangers.

There's this guy we'll call Frank.  Why Frank?  Because he keeps introducing himself to me as Frank, knowing full well that I know his name is not Frank.

He works in the studio. Ther's a full studio/control room setup here for making videos (as you do in a studio).    My first day there went something like this:

Director: "Have you met Blogget?" (The answer is yes, several times.  But he says,,,,)

"Hi!  The name is Frank. And you're Susie, right?"

"Good memory," I say, shaking hands.

Director: "Everything you need is out here in the studio. Excet props. You have to bring any props you want."

Frank: "Except rubber chickens. We have the rubber chickens."

Me: "Of course you do!  What would a video be without rubber chickens?"

Frank: "Right?"

Director: "...ok... I'll be in the control room."

Frank: "That's where all the fun happens."

Me: "How so? They don't have the rubber chickens in there."

Frank stops. Gives me a raised brow. "I'm so glad you're on board with this!"

We have a lot in common, Frank and I. A love of Star Wars, Doctor Who, and Firefly. ("Hello. My name is Frank. And I have a model of the Serenity.")  We also have British significant others.  His wife is from Kent.  And BB is from Yorkshire.  We have a lot to talk about. ("How about that brown sauce?")

My geekdom has caught the notice of several technology people.  Woo hoo!

My mom said something when we were coming out here that has made me pause, though.  She said, "I have a feeling this move will be good for you.  I hope you meet the love of your life because I don't think you have yet.  And I want that for you."

It's true.  I've been in love a few times.  But I have not had The Love of My Life yet.  That makes me sad.  It's what I want now, more than almost anything, and I hve this dread that I will meet the end of my days before I meet that person.l  Before I have that Big Love.

What about BB, you say?  He could be that person.  We just don't get to spend a lot of time around each other to find out if that's how our lives will entwine. But I long to find out.

Oh how I long.  This makes my heart exceptionally heavy.  It pains me.  I've never had a "This is the Love of my Life" moment.  Experiencing love is so important to me, and I've never had that. 

It makes me a little angry, too.  I know people who have it and don't appreciate having it.  I've given my all, and I don't have the opportunity to explore it and find it for myself. 

What have I done so wrong to be so forsaken?

As I've said, maybe BB is that person for me.  I need time with him, for us to know each other as best we can and discover what we are together. But that's not being given to me.  I wait. And wait.  And it's making me tired. 

I feel the clock ticking.  I feel my mortality, and it is devoid of that enveloping, encompassing love that I long so much to share.

Oh, nah-fuck.

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