"Bloody Fucking Hell"

That's what my friend had to say about today, for me.

It started last night, actually.  When something in my mouth felt weird (don't laugh!) (okay, laugh), and I discovered that part of my tooth was gone.  One of the inward-facing sides is missing, exposing the inside of the tooth.

So, first call today was to the dentist.

Second call was to my mom because she would have to drive me.  I can't see well enough to drive yet.

"Okay, that's good," she said.  "I have have a call in to the doctor for your dad.  He's really in a lot of pain."

I knew he'd been hurting a lot lately, but I didn't know they'd doubled his morphine dose yesterday. And that it wasn't helping.

Suddenly, the tooth didn't seem so important.

They've been in a holding pattern for the decision on the specialists.  They went to Salt Lake and say a specialist there, a surgeon who is supposed to be very talented.  He said he thought the tumor was operable, but had to pass it by their board of surgeons.  So, my folks are waiting for word on that.

In the meantime, the pain intensifies.

Soon, I got a text from Mom.  "They're admitting him to the hospital."

I called and changed the dentist appointment.

"I'm really scared," she said.

It's heartbreaking to see him like this, in such pain.  He's a good man.  A faithful man.  A strong man. He's always been a presence.  John Wayne-like in stature. And one of the smartest men I've ever known.

He's so much more fragile now.  The medication damages his thinking, and he's not so lucid.

Yes, heartbreaking.

I don't know what the next few days will bring.  But it's scaring me to the core.  I shouldn't think out it too much because I can really run the "What ifs" in circles.  I feel I need to be prepared, but I don't know quite what for.

I have so many things I need to deal with right now, but this trumps it all.  The other stuff can go sit in a corner while I hope my dad makes it to this Father's Day.

Heart. Breaking.