The Beat Goes On...

…and we keep marching.  Right now, my feet feel heavy, but I'm slogging through.

As most of you know, my work situation is not ideal. Not bad, but it's certainly a crazymaker.  For many years, I was the only one in my office.  Now, I have a very active boss and one coworker in the trenches with me, but she does contribute to the crazymaking.

Recently, we started yet another search to find more help. We were not in a position where we had to hire, but another set of hands and expert eyes would be nice.  The thing about my coworker is that, even though she has the title, she really has little experience or expertise doing what we do.  She has no devotion to it.  "We are a team of two," my boss said to me, one day, meaning she and I are in this for the long haul…and us alone.

She was proved very right yesterday, when that coworker handed in her two-week notice.  We don't have enough time to conclude that search by then, so for awhile it's going to be just me in the trenches.  We had plenty of work and stress already, but it just doubled on me.  That search will now have to hire two people, and it's now a must hire.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for someone good…and not like past searches have ended up.

So, that's how the day started.  Here's how it ended:

My dad has cancer.

Due to some alarming symptoms, the doctor had a scan done yesterday.  It revealed a mass, but they don't believe it's the primary mass.  They believe it's metastasized from elsewhere.  Next week, they go looking for the rest of it.  So, until then, we don't know how bad it is or what to do.

For now, we wait.  I don't wait well.

The thing is that my mother is falling apart, but only when my dad isn't looking.  "I'll need you to get me through this," she said to me.  This morning, my sister is texting me about it, so I feel her leaning on me as well.  I haven't told my kids yet, but I know I have to be there for them.

I just hope I'm strong enough to stay on my own feet and prop up everyone else in the process.  I'm not totally sure that I am, but I might have to find it.  From somewhere.  i don't know where yet, but somewhere.

I want to fall apart, too, but I just can't.  The vibration of it makes my head hum.  Loudly.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for my dear bloke in Britain.  He's far away, and our communications have their limitations, but I'm thankful for even the tiniest outlet.  Is it selfish of me to look so forward to October, when I can run away and hide from this world for a few days?

It's fourteen weeks away.  Not that I'm counting….