Social Media in Action!

We have an official diagnosis on my dad.  It's an extremely rare type of cancer, described as "vicious."  Only the top facilities can handle it, like MD Anderson in Houston, Texas. That's 1400 miles away, but it's one of the top three facilities in the country.

Saying he needs to be seen there is easier than getting him to be seen, though.  The oncologist here told him he needs to be seen before the end of the month.  It's that aggressive.  My mom called them, and they said, "Send your records here and we'll look at them in about three weeks."  That's not an appointment in three weeks; that's we'll look at it in three weeks.

That's just not good enough.

So, I did what I know how to do.  I turned to technology to help us.  On Facebook, I made a post saying that I don't usually ask for help, but I'm desperate.  I asked if anyone knew anyone at MD Anderson who could help us cut through this red tape?  Give us advice?  Something?

Within 15 minutes, I was talking to a nurse who actually works on the unit where he needs treatment.

Her advice was drastic, but made sense.  We made a plan.

In the meantime, my dad's doctor was trying to get through to the head of that unit.  A couple of days' worth of phone calls and faxes, and his complete case was in the hands of the doctor who needed to see it.  All that was left to do was wait to see if he'd take the case and when Dad could be seen.

The waiting is over!  Dad will be seen next week.  We breathe a sign of relief…for now.

We don't know what the treatment will be, but the conversations with that nurse have assured us that this is indeed where he needs to be, and that he'll be among people who truly care about his well-being.

This has been a grueling experience already.  The waiting is hard.  There are places that I can't let my mind go yet.  We hold on to every bit of hope that comes along.

What worries me is that I'm the one everyone leans on.  My mom falls to pieces, she calls me because my sister is in the throes of her own drama about this.  I'm there for my kids, too.  I don't resent any of that.  But I wish someone was here for me.

Daughter is about to go to school again, and I'll be alone.  When the world gets quiet, too quiet, where do I turn?  I have my Love, but he is half a globe away from me.  We have our limitations for now.  I know he'd change it if he could, but we have to wait for that.

I'm a little afraid of the silence.

The Beat Goes On...

…and we keep marching.  Right now, my feet feel heavy, but I'm slogging through.

As most of you know, my work situation is not ideal. Not bad, but it's certainly a crazymaker.  For many years, I was the only one in my office.  Now, I have a very active boss and one coworker in the trenches with me, but she does contribute to the crazymaking.

Recently, we started yet another search to find more help. We were not in a position where we had to hire, but another set of hands and expert eyes would be nice.  The thing about my coworker is that, even though she has the title, she really has little experience or expertise doing what we do.  She has no devotion to it.  "We are a team of two," my boss said to me, one day, meaning she and I are in this for the long haul…and us alone.

She was proved very right yesterday, when that coworker handed in her two-week notice.  We don't have enough time to conclude that search by then, so for awhile it's going to be just me in the trenches.  We had plenty of work and stress already, but it just doubled on me.  That search will now have to hire two people, and it's now a must hire.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for someone good…and not like past searches have ended up.

So, that's how the day started.  Here's how it ended:

My dad has cancer.

Due to some alarming symptoms, the doctor had a scan done yesterday.  It revealed a mass, but they don't believe it's the primary mass.  They believe it's metastasized from elsewhere.  Next week, they go looking for the rest of it.  So, until then, we don't know how bad it is or what to do.

For now, we wait.  I don't wait well.

The thing is that my mother is falling apart, but only when my dad isn't looking.  "I'll need you to get me through this," she said to me.  This morning, my sister is texting me about it, so I feel her leaning on me as well.  I haven't told my kids yet, but I know I have to be there for them.

I just hope I'm strong enough to stay on my own feet and prop up everyone else in the process.  I'm not totally sure that I am, but I might have to find it.  From somewhere.  i don't know where yet, but somewhere.

I want to fall apart, too, but I just can't.  The vibration of it makes my head hum.  Loudly.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for my dear bloke in Britain.  He's far away, and our communications have their limitations, but I'm thankful for even the tiniest outlet.  Is it selfish of me to look so forward to October, when I can run away and hide from this world for a few days?

It's fourteen weeks away.  Not that I'm counting….

Thought-provoking post on Tumblr

The other day, I saw this post on Tumblr:
http://sixpenceee.com/post/91200282959/reddit-user-imamenlo-found-a-handwritten-note-on

It made me think of the process I went through recently, that brought me to the point of removing Jacob from my life.  Heck, I broke the links I had with him, and then literally had to MAKE him break them from his end of things.  I have to wonder why he was so attached to looking down on me.  His insistence on believing negative things about me, when he had evidence to the contrary, is symptomatic of someone who has that need in their life, to force someone else down.  To chop of another's head to make themselves look tall, as the song goes.

Although he wasn't directly abusive to me, he did force upon me a lesser view of who I am.  I disliked all the time I spent alone after our breakup, which made me cling to the friendship, as it were.  Still, that aloneness gave me clarity.  Through his "friendship," I gained insight into the life I had been living.  As I gained distance, I could see the lies, the manipulations, the staggering selfishness, and the negative twist to the role he insisted I take in the relationship.  Through his moodiness and self-absorbed habits, the message was communicated to me that I was lesser and that I deserved rudeness, mistreatment, and to be ignored.

After receiving this message day in and day out, I started to believe it was all I deserved.  I tried to model the treatment I would have preferred, instead of risking a confrontation, but I suppose you have to notice someone other than yourself to pick up on such cues.  That was never going to happen.  It explains why every little kindness he bestowed on me meant so much - it was a rarity that I took as assurance that I really did mean something, so I tolerated even more bad behavior.

And this is why my teenager was worried about me staying in this relationship long term.  What would I come to accept as time went on?  She was already seeing me tiptoe around his temperament, to avoid confrontations and unpleasantness.

Looking back, the manipulativeness was masterful.  And it continued into our "friendship."  If I spoke up for myself, I was told I felt that way because I couldn't be happy for him.  This was even after I congratulated him on his engagement - which I learned about the same was 900 other "friends" did on Tumblr.  The double standard is amazing and appalling all at once, especially given that I was still accepting it.  I still thought I deserved to be treated that way, on some level.

Being alone actually did me a favor.  It gave me the space to let the fog clear.  To remember who I was and am.  To see who I was expected to be and to decide that it wasn't respectful of me.  I learned to stand up for myself again.

My brain is being re-trained.  I'm being offered love in a way that carries no expectation and no demands.  That says, "I love you for who you really are and all that's made you."  I don't have to tiptoe anymore.  My walk can be confident again, without the fear of someone emotionally punishing me for it.  I don't have repercussions for being capable and knowledgeable.

I have to keep my eyes open and not let anyone take it from me again.

And this "me" is a much better example for my daughter, of how a strong woman really is and should be.  I've accepted a lesser version of myself for long enough now.  That version doesn't exist - and I won't believe it does again.

I need to remember that, and keep telling myself that, and not be trapped again.

Diving In

They say it's the things you don't do that you truly regret.  Let's put that to the test.

I've booked a trip to England.  I will leave little ol' Colorado and charge headlong into international travel on October 24th.  And I'll putter around the Yorkshire for two weeks.  I might even venture into Scotland!

I'd been hesitating to make reservations, in case something went wrong.  Then, I told myself, "Blogget, is that any way to show you have faith?  To trust in that higher power you're trying to reconcile with?"  So, I took the leap off the high dive.  I'm holding on to the faith that some almighty hands will catch me.

My passport is ordered and everything.  I've never needed one before.  I went to Canada once, back when you could cross that border with just a photo I.D. and birth certificate.  Now, I have a few more things to figure out.  Like currency.  I need to learn about British money and how to know what I'm paying, and how to make change.

And trains.  I'm going to take a train from London to Yorkshire.  How to do get from Heathrow to King's Cross Station?  Follow the boy carrying the owl? ;o)

Adventure is afoot! And dare I say…romance?

"Fall in love with someone…."

My wonderful "British bloke," as my friend calls him, sent me a link to this quote today:

"If you ever fall in love…fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee.
Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it.
Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat.
Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know.
Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place.
Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you.
Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and think you're perfect just the way you are.
Fall in love with someone who thinks that you're he one they would love to wake up to each day."

Then, he sent me a Skype message.  It said, "I want to be all this and more for you."

I got teary-eyed, knowing that he is absolutely sincere in what he says.

Creepazoid Revisited

I thought I was done with Bear.  After the creepiness of New Year's, I thought I'd made it clear that he should leave me alone.

Technically, I suppose, he is.  Now, his friends are creeping on me.

I received a notice from LinkedIn that someone had viewed my profile.  I looked to see who it was because it captures those kinds of things.

It's a lady friend of Bear's, who lives in Denver.

What the everloving fuck?

I don't know if he's back in the states or not, but this really creeps me out.

Poison Control

This is going to be a pretty honest post.  I am confident now that the ones I've been protecting by keeping silent are no longer reading this.  They've chosen to ignore me in other aspects - online and in person - so why would they be here?  And if they are here - well, it's their own lookout if they want to creep on me.

I'm rethinking many things right now.  Each morning, I thank God for the love of those who truly love me.  I'm thinking of what love means.  I'm looking back and re-evaluating what I thought the truth was.  And I'm realizing that, once again, I might not have been where I thought I was.

Is all of this useful in moving my life forward?  Quite.  It's helping me remove toxicity.  If someone has no investment in me, than I must pull back and not invest my caring and energies.  I promised to always be there, and I'll honor that promise because that's who I am.  But if it's called upon, it will come with an understanding that relationships of ALL kinds are a two-way street.

As you know, dear Diary, a common theme in my relationships is honesty, or a lack thereof.  Lies have been commonplace.  The knife in my back has been heavy.  Secrets are under every rock.  When I first met Jacob, I told him this.  He said two things to me.  First, he has nothing hidden; what you see is what you get.  Second, he said I was always enough for him.  Looking back, he said those things knowing they weren't true.  His transgenderness was hidden.  And I would never be enough for him because I don't have a penis.

I proved myself a giving and accepting partner, who stands by someone through anything and gives all she has to her commitments.  I'm very into the "we" of relationships, the togetherness.  I thought that was reciprocal.  Yet as I was going into debt to keep the households afloat, though, he was ordering things like handcrafted wooden wands.  I feel ever more the fool to realize that I fell for the oldest line in the book: "I'm working late."  To my knowledge, he spent very little time with The Interloper, mainly talking in harmless text messages.  I trusted that this was the case because he knew my past betrayals and, certainly, would never do that to me.  As promised.

It seems I was wrong.  I've been thinking hard about this.  I grossly underestimated the level of narcissism I was dealing with.  His time away from home simply had to include cultivating that relationship.  It's the only explanation for how quickly it moved once he had me out of the way.  Immediately after he had me out of the way.

By his own admission, he says they'd gotten to know each other quite well before he and I broke up.  How so, if he didn't spend time with her?  By his own words, it makes no sense.  I smell a rat in panties.

Also, I have realized that he made sure I was out of the way on the first night we were alone together after my daughter left for college.  What coincidental - and sensitive - timing, don't you think?  This reeks of planning, and I feel a fool for not seeing it coming for as long as it probably was.

He professed to needing me in his life, regardless.  That he needed my friendship, that we were "best friends," but those words have been proved hollow, as well.  Even friendship involves wanting to know how your friend is doing.  I even opened myself to talking about his relationship, which he apparently is only honest about when drinking.  Many honesties about Jacob come forth when he's drinking.

Which leads me to more confessions.  Yes, we relapsed with each other while drinking once.  If I'm going to be honest, though, it happened twice.  If I'm going to be really honest, I'd need to expand that to the several bouts of sexting while he was drinking.  I'd get the most honest texts from him then, when he'd spill his concerns for his relationship and his desires for me.  He said that he needed to be open and honest with her that allowing him to be unfaithful would be a condition of a relationship with him, and in particular, he needed to be "free" to pleasure me whenever he liked.  And according to him, he had strong desires in that direction.  The idea of me with other men was just too exciting for him, and he needed to act upon it.  And he again swore that she would not be allowed to interfere with his desires.  it was a "condition" for him to be happy.

Again, I've spoken with another friend about this, who pointed out that this makes me karma embodied for The Interloper.  Ironic.

Please note - he never asked what my desires would be in such a situation.  He assumed I would want him, too, without asking where I was on this.  Typical narcissism.  I'm done with any kind of intimacy with him.  I learned pretty quickly how meaningless it all is to him.

Now, from what I can see, he lets me hear major news in his life via social media and rarely speaks to me at all.  I never hear "How are you?" and have grown tired of asking and getting nothing back.  He makes an effort to ignore my blogs and social media.  So, it appears that my level of importance has definitely cratered.  I have to assume that this is something he has kept from her and never meant to stand up for (outside of being drunk).

I once told him that I had doubts about our relationship.  I was talking about that with Daughter recently, and explained to her that the root of all of those doubts rose from his crippling narcissism.  He takes self-love to an unhealthy degree, in that it's actually damaging to those around him.  THEY must accommodate HIM or suffer his ire and wrath.  Lovers and children included.  He doesn't do sacrifice well, if at all.

Her response?  She'd noticed.  She'd felt it.  And she was concerned about what life would be like for me in that situation, if I stayed with him long-term.

She's a wise child.

All of this adds up to some pretty serious toxicity.  Something that's made me feel bad about myself and who I am and have been.  He is the latest in a string of hard lessons.  So, this time, I'm taking control and moving this influence out of my daily life.  I've gotten things back from him and returned others.  I've severed ties and reminders.  I don't have to be made to feel like I deserve to be lost and forgotten.  I have the love of those who truly love me, and I should not waste my love on those who make me feel like I'm rotten.

ALL that said, I still don't wish him ill will.  I will be his friend, should he need one.  I hope he finds the happiness he says he wants.  I hope he's honest in the future - with himself and others - and is able to learn unselfishness, to truly become and achieve what he wants.  And I hope he looks back with self-awareness, and that he grows some conscience about what it took to get there.

ADDENDUM - May 5, 2014: If I needed a confirmation of all of this, I got one. Talk about being insensitive and making me feel rotten - I just read that they've chosen a spot for their ceremony that was a stop on our "family vacation" together.  That's completely fucked up.  We made memories there that *I* thought were special.  I guess not so much if it's where you're taking someone else to make memories.  This is actually just the latest in a string of things he's done with her that duplicated details about and with me.  She should feel about as special as I do….

Right Under My Nose

That's where he's been. Right here, all the time.

He finds new ways to take my breath away almost every day. I’m thinking of him a lot today, as he goes about his business about 4,700 miles away from where I go about mine. In many ways, though, we’re hand in hand.

Back in January, I posted a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner, as they were (some of) the ones I wanted to also reciprocate. That January post said:
"(I want) a love who will…
love
value
respect
desire
want
need
hold
keep
soothe
comfort
follow
lead
work beside
defend
laugh with
listen to
adore
uplift
encourage
support
…me. And I will do the same for him.”

This is quite indicative of how I love. I go all in. If I love you - friend or lover - I’m in your corner, even when I’m being foolish. And this blog is a testament to how foolish I can be! I'll stay by someone's side well past the point of it being healthy for me.

 Unfortunately, after the latest obliterating of my heart and trust, I’ve become rather guarded. I’ve never been that before, to my detriment. I have now donned armor I’ve never worn before.

In the last few months, I've taken a hard look at that and realized that I needed to be less open. I needed to put less of me on the line and keep more of me in reserve, under lock and key. The new people I've met have had to deal with that. It's made it easier to let someone go when the situation turns out to not be something I want to deal with. But it makes it hard to feel close to anyone, as well. "Do i want to let him in?" I ask myself that a lot, when getting to know someone now. More often than not, of late, that answer is No. I don't like the risk. I don't want to feel like that again.

However, for one person, I stripped off my armor. He's been along for the ride with me for the last three years (plus). I made mention of him before, but now I have more to say.

We've been friends, understanding and supporting each other's nerdy obsessions for all that time. But when my ache and pain emerged, he reached out to me with solace. As you know, I hit the ground hard on this one. Looking back, I can see how he stepped forward and sat beside me. He virtually held me and listened to me and soothed me. He has hugged away my tears. Been a listening ear and my sympathetic shoulder. Given me delightful fantasies of being whisked away in a TARDIS with him (my “River” to his “Doctor”), to light my darkness. Taken my virtual hand and asked so sweetly to be my Valentine. He calls me “cyar’ika,” and means it. In Mando'a (for those not obsessed with Star Wars, that's the native language of Boba Fett), that means "darling, sweetheart, beloved."

He has the tenderest and most passionate spirit. He has shown me laughter, and light, and love, like no other ever has. He’s made my heart beat anew.

Now, he has opened his heart and life to me. When I told him that my heart is his, he said, “And I will protect it with all that I am.” I think I stopped breathing for a moment, then.

That means the world to me because I know he doesn’t take such a vow lightly. Others have made similar promises, but they forget them in the face of taking care of themselves. He says this having seen my damage first-hand, having already cared for it, and knowing what the words means to me. He vows to take care of my most vulnerable parts, as he already has.

I can now leave that armor on the ground. I believe him, and always have. I believe he owns those qualities above (and so much more!) in a way I’ve not seen in anyone else. His beauty is immeasurable. He is amazing, in his heart, mind, and soul. And I believe in him.

 We don't have an easy road, but it is not insurmountable. That we both see it as such an plan to pull that plow together - well, that's worth the goal, isn't it?

It's never what we expect, is it?

It's been six months since Jacob and I broke up.  Despite the promises, I've not seen him in weeks.  We text every few days, but it's rare that I get a spontaneous "How are you doing?" from him.  Not unheard of, but rare.  I've given a standing invitation to join me for sushi, but I am losing confidence that he'll ever take me up on it.  Especially now - he's engaged.  I think that puts the kibosh on spending time with me.

I never did see that letter she was going to write to me, to smooth things over so we could all hang out together.  An apparent empty gesture that seems a moot point now - if he doesn't want to hang out with me on his own, why would he want us all to hang out?  Maybe I don't even want that anymore, with the way things have turned lately.  I've grown a bit weary of being reminded via Tumblr about everything I never actually was to him.  Posts like "You're the only one who has understood me…."  Really?  After all we went through?  That's a little disappointing, to have our good points forgotten like that.

That kind of posting, plus the fact that I had to hear The Big News on Tumblr like just anyone else, adds up to a degree of insensitivity that is surprising to me. I thought better of us than that. I thought we meant more, even as friends.

So, as much as I hate this phrase, I suppose all I can say is that it is what it is. What it was is apparently irrelevant.  I'm not angry or bitter, just feeling a little let down that promises aren't meaningful.  Well, they are to me.  I promised to be the secret keeper, so I keep them.  It's all still very meaningful to me, if it ever is so to him again.

And for me, the world keeps turning.  Daughter is doing spectacularly at college.  Son is trying his darnedest with the situation he's in.  His girlfriend is a challenge to his success, as she deliberately derails his schoolwork and his job.  She's a selfish and immature girl, who inflicts a lot of damage.  She's caused many of his demons to resurface, then doesn't support his struggle against them.  It's hard for a mother to watch.

The dating world has its ups and downs for me.  I've met some nice men, and some who are really messed up.  And some who aren't so nice.  Some who come on strong, then decide to ignore me.  I must be easy to ignore….

That said, it appears that love might actually have another chance in my life.  There's been someone right under my nose, for over three years now.  He's followed me and my story on Twitter and Tumblr, which has been occasionally colorful.  We've had many conversations via social media, over those years.  When the breakup with Jacob happened, he was right there, listening to me and giving me virtual hugs and someone to lean on.  His desire to "whisk [me] away in the TARDIS for adventures" thrilled my geeky little Whovian heart.  It all meant the world to me and was (and is) very touching.

So, we started chatting real-time and exchanging emails.  We have found we have love between us and a strong attraction.  We do have a couple of stumbling blocks, to be true.  First, we live in different parts of the globe.  He is in England, and I'm in Colorado.  We each are trying to make plans to visit the other, though.  Second, we do have a significant age difference.  I think.  At least, all clues point to that, from what I can see.  We haven't talked about it, but I don't think we're secretive about it, either.  I've never been shy about posting about what my kids are doing, so it's obvious I'm old enough to have kids their ages.  And we've shared pictures (nothing naughty! Gah!), too.

Neither issue is insurmountable.  Those around us might balk at them, but what's between us, is between us.  I've lived long enough and experienced so much that tells me what's important, and that's what we want to live with.

For now, I'm enjoying him and his affection for me.  And mine for him.  We'll see what's around the corner, dear Diary.  As we've seen, my story takes a lot of sudden, unexpected turns!

What's that screaming?

It's good ol' Blogget, running away into the wilderness!  What sent her over the edge?

Workday ridiculousness and sexual frustration.

I will always marvel at the behavior of some people in the academic environment.  It's a good thing this environment exists for people who would be booted to the curb in a corporate environment.  Unprofessional, childish behavior that just wouldn't fly anywhere else.

And a good time to test my patience is not when all I can think about is the sex I wish I was having.  With no sure-fire relief in sight, just yet.

I soooo need a vacation.  Have I mentioned that in the last week?  Soooo need a vacation.  Even a one-day reset the batteries getaway would be nice.  I'm considering that, if the paycheck works out that way at the end of the week.  A jaunt to a nearby town, a change of scenery.  Maybe even a massage, if I can swing it.

I'm tired today, but it was worth it. Jacob and I had one of the most beautiful conversations we've had in a long, long time.  I think we might have our friendship back on track.  We got our mutual apologies and asking for forgiveness out in the open.  We were able to speak honestly and bluntly about many things - things important to each of us - and give each other a listening ear and advice.  I'm not sure if my advice will turn out to be useful, but I hope so.  I really tried to put myself in someone else's perspective and respond from the gut on it, and all I can hope is that it's valuable.  We found we have things we feel most comfortable telling each other, and it warmed my heart (and his, he said) to find that we're still there for each other.

So, I'm feeling much better about all of that.  I feel someone is there to catch me, again, who really cares if I fall or if I fly - as much as I care about that for him.

Updates and Observations

In short, I'm hanging in there, mostly because I have no choice.  I'm so tired of silence and conversation with my dog.  It's a little one-sided.  But the weeknights pass slowly and quietly, one into the other.  My "oneness" is heavy, sometimes, and it makes me tired.  I crave laughter.  Shared laughter.

I think I'm still trying to find salve for my wounds.  The salve I seek is the knowledge that I'm still cared for, that I'm worthwhile.  So, I look for signs of that.  

I had an egocentric moment the other day, and thought how Jacob is fortunate that I value him as I do.  And that I'm not an unreasonable, vindictive person.  Well, this blogs stands as witness to times when I have been that way, but I have a different sensibility now.  He might not have liked what I said when I was mad, but there was a kernel of truth in it.  Anyone bitchier might lash out and cause problems, but I see no good in that for anyone.  Quite the opposite, and I really do value him and his friendship.  How he handles his relationships is his concern, and not for me to question or speculate about.

I'm still good for support when wanted or needed, one way or the other, in good times and bad.  Whatever happens.  Some say I'm loyal to a fault.  I just don't seem to be needed so much anymore.  It's a lot to come to grips with at once, but I'm making a valiant effort, honestly.

I've been dating a little, as I've mentioned.  I turned down a Valentine's date because it was the bossy guy.  I just can't live with that, so there's no need in wasting anyone's time or leaving the wrong impression.  Let's be honest, being romanced on Valentine's Day would be very nice, but it would be unkind to lead someone on just to have that.  I don't want to be unkind.

So, I had Valentine's dinner with my parents.  While out with them, I received a text from a man I've seen a couple of times, who lives about an hour away.  He said, "Be careful if you let your dog out on the porch!"  And when I got home, I found chocolate dipped strawberries and a sweet card on my doorstep.  Talk about warming my heart and making a day brighter!  I wish I'd been home!

The next day, I had a very casual date for the movies and a dinner date the following day.  Being in the online dating world is a little weird, but so many people find themselves single with very few avenues for meeting anyone.  That's me.  I work a lot.  I don't do the bar scene.  Maybe this is becoming more common?

But I've made some observations about how people present themselves on dating sites.  It's a constant surprise to me, and I really wish someone would write a "dos and don'ts" manual for those embarking on this virtual world.  I mean, it's supposed to be best foot forward, right?

I have some suggestions for them to include:

DO
1. Smile at the camera.
2. Put the light in front of you.
3. Actually fill out the question and answer section.
4. Be honest. As much as I hate the "All I want is sex" profiles, at least I know where I stand.
5. Use an actual picture of you.

DON'T
1. Use your wedding picture.  (Oh, the things you don't think you have to say.)
2. Use a cartoon character's picture.
3. Use a famous actor's picture.
4. Use a picture of your dog, car, motorcycle, or farm equipment.  (Yes, I've seen farm equipment.)
5. Try to look so serious. It comes out looking scary.
6. Use a blurry picture.
7. Obscure your face. Lose the sunglasses, hats, and do-rags.
8. Pose with dead animals.

And if you're thinking, but Blogget, these are no-brainers!  Guess again.  I speak from what I've really seen.

Maybe I should write that dating manual….

I'm about at the end of my rope...

…and tying a knot to hang on isn't going very well.  I'm feeling intense pressure and anxiety from all sides, and something's got to give.  I'm just really afraid of how that's going to happen.

On the work front: A year ago, I got a new boss.  She can be great, but she can cause a pressure cooker as well.  Back in December, she had us (meaning, our little staff of two) create the calendar for 2014.  ALL of 2014.  It's socked in.  One project on top of another, plus the daily work and all of its unexpected Whack-a-Mole qualities.  This time of year is particularly hard on me, as everyone sees me as the point person. That means I catch all of the questions, frustrations, and abuse they feel like doling out.

You know what I realized isn't on that calendar?  Time off for me.  My coworker has slated her weeks off, but we can't be gone at the same time.  That's my bad move, to have not gotten on the calendar first.  I'm going to have to revisit that.

On the personal front: Jacob and I had a huge argument a few days ago.  Huge.  When it started, I was surprised it escalated.  I learned that his new girlfriend is moving in.  The last I'd heard was that she didn't want us spending much time together and she didn't want to be around me.  Ergo, this would mean I was no longer welcome at his home, where he said I'd always be welcome.

This was what upset me.  "I'm being cut out of your life" looked like the crux of the matter from my perspective.  That was the wrong thing to say because he blew a gasket.  It escalated quickly.  Once again, all I needed was to understand.  Instead, we both said things that hurt.

I have to admit, it's a rage-fogged blur to me.  I remember doubting his honesty in his relationship, and saying that nothing can be taken that he doesn't give away (but I didn't say it so nicely).  He said the reason I'm in my situation (which I took to mean "alone") is because of how I argue.  And other things were said that I'd rather not think about just now.

I apologized for what I said.  I spoke out of being hurt and wanted to hurt back.  I promised to not question my place in his life or his efforts to keep me there, anymore.  I have noticed that he hasn't apologized, which I suppose means he probably meant what he said.  I don't know for sure, and hate to guess on something like that.  I'm not mad about it, just sad that he seems to feel that way.

It was just a few days before that we had a beautiful conversation about how we feel now.  Felt?  Among other things, we said we were sorry things had worked out the way they had.  We were happy to be best friends at that point, but the argument did us a lot of damage.  Again, I'm not angry.  Just sad.

In hindsight, what would have headed it off would have been knowing that his girlfriend's perspective on me and our friendship had changed.  Apparently, it had, but I had no idea.  She was willing to work with me, apparently, and I was still willing to work with her.  But I reacted without knowing any of that.

Perhaps I should have asked what the change would mean for us, instead of making my own deductions?  In everything that's ever come up with Jacob - learning about his feminine persona, his desire to do porn, possibly losing his house, a new job, etc. - that question has been my bottom line: "How does this effect us?  What do I do now?" But that might be a moot point.  I've made overtures to repair things, but I don't know if he'll meet me halfway yet.

I'm watching and waiting to see what my place is.  What I'm looking at is losing the one person in my life who understands me, who I can say anything to, and they'll "get" it.  That's more than I can stand, but I don't know if it really matters to anyone but me, right now.

You know what makes this impact a little harder?  This would my "On the spiritual front," as well.  On the way to his house, I prayed for us to have a good evening.  A nice night to remember.  The operative word here was "nice."  A hope for a strengthening of friendship, based on the previous week's changes.  Instead, this is what happened.  To say my faith is dented is quite an understatement.  Again, the universe seems to like to give me a good smacking.

On the family front:  My son is having a crisis, but I'm not sure he realizes how bad it is.  He brought a girlfriend with him when he moved home again.  She's a tough one, and they have a volatile relationship.  The fights are escalating in violence, with her throwing things and shoving him.  This last time, she took to throwing herself against him and shoving away, then yelling, "Stop pushing me!"  Fortunately, witnesses were there to say he wasn't hurting her.  He became so enraged he was harming himself.  When it's all over, he blames himself and says it's all his fault.  He allows her to browbeat him verbally.  Something has to change.  She needs to go back home, so he can find some perspective and realize he deserves better, that this is no life to lead.  I'm afraid for him right now.

On the dating front:  It's dating.  I had a good date the other night.  Nice fella, but with a couple of issues that I need to think about before I write about them.  I have an open invitation for a wild time in Denver, and another for a relaxing weekend in a nearby town.  I'm trying to figure out how to have it all.

And that brings us back to needing time off.

Remember….

Loneliness hurts.  But don't make it worse by becoming trapped in a situation that will cause you a different kind of heartache.

Don't settle, Blogget….

In other news….

I had a mammogram a couple of weeks ago, my first one.  A few days later, they call me back and tell me I need to go to the office with the better equipment.  They need to take a closer look at something.  I had to wait several days for my appointment, and those were not pleasant days!  I'm not a patient person as it is, but waiting for that?  Oh no.

Jacob was good about asking me how I was doing during those days.  He knows my tendency to worry.  It was particularly good of him because he was going through his own hard time - serving on a jury for a murder trial that involved the deaths of children.  I knew he was seeing things he'd wish he could unsee, but he still thought to check on me.  That meant a lot to me.

He also learned that I've been spending a lot more time alone than he realized.  He thought that because I had dates, I was busy a lot.  I haven't been.  I spend many evenings on my own, in the silence that seems to be slowly destroying my spirit, in the most agonizing way.  I don't know that the phone will make any more noise than it has, though.

Anyhow, the mammogram tech showed me the first set of pictures, and that there was a shadow of something in one view, but it couldn't be seen in another.  They called it an "island of tissue."  They took more pictures.  I waited as the radiologist looked at them.  And they took more pictures.  Then, he ordered an ultrasound.  Then, he redid the ultrasound himself.

And they couldn't find what was making the shadow.  They found a tiny cyst, but that's it.  Check back in six months, but I should be okay.  No telling what it was, but they're not worried about it.  Whew!

I had a little coffee date last night.  I've been talking with this man for a little while, and we decided to meet.  He doesn't live here, so we have to do some planning to get together.  That's been the case with a few of my dates lately, that there's an hour or more between us.  I'm trying to decide if I like that or not. At least they won't be driving around, looking for my house.

Initially, he just wanted someone to talk to about nerdy stuff.  There's something I'm good for!  I can do nerdy all day.  Actually, I already do nerdy all day - I can't help it.  I'm thoroughly a geek.  Anyhow, pretty soon it evolved into some nice flirting.  He calls me Temptress, and I like that.

So…what's the catch?  There's always a catch, isn't there, dear Diary?  He is married.  They have a poly-amorous relationship, and she's seeing someone.  So, it's all above-board.  Still, it's something for me to think about in terms of what I want, what I need, the future, etc.  But for the moment, I have enjoyed him.  Face-to-face, he's funny, intelligent, and attractive.  And he seems to think the same of me.  It was just coffee, so we'll see what happens.  I will certainly keep you updated!

On the sexual front, another friend of mine wants me to join a threesome with him and a tgirl, soon.  I'd have to make a trip to the Front Range, but he wants to foot the bill for me.  I could certainly see drowning my woes in a weekend of pleasure.  It's something to think about, for sure.

As you know, dear Diary, there's not much I won't talk about here.  That said, I must censor myself for a bit, due to recent events.  I'll have to table some stories and emotions and thoughts that I have pent up.  Bear with me that if I start telling a story, and you think you might have missed something, it probably is because I've had to skip something.   I'll come back around to it eventually, I'm sure.  For the sake of those I care about, I just can't explore some things for awhile.  It saddens me, but it must be that way.

Jacob and I had a glorious Saturday afternoon at the nail salon.  I have gotten just one manicure and one pedicure in my life.  The manicure was for my wedding in 1990, and the pedicure was a treat for myself while on a business trip in 2004.  But Saturday, we had manicures AND pedicures.  The kind with pretty smelling masks, lotions, and even hot stones.  And a massage chair.  And it was heavenly.  I'm so thankful that we had that time.  I need it again.

I smile every time I see my painted toes.  My toes are never painted!

And I'll sign off with a picture of my sweet dog.  Even though he doesn't want to hear from me, I thank God every day for her love and companionship.

Where is he?

I've alluded to this a few times lately, and I keep saying it's for another post.  So, here's that other post.

I’m going through a spiritual struggle lately. I stopped praying for a couple of years because it seemed all I was accomplishing was to call God’s attention to the people and situations I prayed about, so he could screw with them. I felt like a lightning rod for bad things happening to me and others.

A few months ago, though, I hit a dark place where I realized the only being in the universe I could turn to for help was God. So, I started praying again.

So what’s happened? All the blessings I pray for and the people I pray for get fucked with. Again. Everything and everyone, including myself.

I don’t know what to think, and it's damned disheartening.  Breaks my heart, actually.  Is God just not there and this is what happens? Or has he truly abandoned me? Or does he actually hate me?

What scares me is that idea that I could be making people’s lives worse by praying for them. I've prayed for my children.  I've prayed for my parents.  I’ve prayed for Jacob’s happiness.  As stupid as it might sound, I've prayed for Jacob's girlfriend to have the resources to take care of her children's special needs.  But now I have to wonder - am I causing harm instead of helping, because God likes to fuck with what I pray for?

I've wondered this a lot lately.  However, it's gotten more intense in the last day or so.  One of my constant prayers is for my loneliness to be relieved, but right now I feel that my  very soul is alone in the whole of the universe. It’s the most horrible feeling to have your waking thought to be that even God doesn’t want you.

Today, this is pushing the limits of what I can take, of the burden that I can bear. I'm actually so upset that I'm having chills.  My knees are wobbling under the weight of it, and I fear collapse is imminent.

What do I want?

Of course, dear Diary, I won't be able to spell it all out here.  But I've been thinking about this lately and reflecting on the past.  I've also been trying to learn from the dating relationships I've had in recent days, and I've found a pitfall I need to avoid:

Don't accept dates just because you don't want to spend yet another night alone.

I've been guilty of that of late, and it's created a situation.  I've been out with this guy maybe three or four times.  He rubbed me the wrong way with this conversation recently (caution: TMI imminent):

Him: "Do you shave?"
BJ: "No.  I trim."
Him: "You shave now."
BJ: "No, I don't.  I don't like it."
Him: "I want you to, so you'll do it for me."
BJ: "No."
Him: "Yes."
BJ: "This is not negotiable."

He tried it another time, telling me that if we were together, that 1) my dog would no longer sleep on the bed, and 2) he'd make me get up at 4 AM to go power walking, and 3) I was going to be a Seahawks fan.

Not only no, but HELL no.  Remember dommy Blogget?  She doesn't do orders well.  Or at all.

I'm sorry…but what about me gave you the impression you can tell me what to do, pal?  I might add the detail here that these conversations are happening without sex being a part of this relationship.  I haven't gone there.  Gee, I wonder why I don't feel attracted that way….

Jacob tells me that I have other prospects that are better, so give this guy the heave-ho.  I should mention here that Jacob and I are indeed best friends, as of late.  More on that later.

Back to the situation: I sat at home alone for 4 or 5 days and ended up agreeing to a date with the bossy guy again. I have no defense; I was weakened by silence.

At the restaurant, I went to the restroom and came back to find he'd told the waiter I was his girlfriend.

No.  No, no, no.

He wants to be my Valentine's date.  I'm thinking that's a bad idea.  As much as I hate the idea of a lonely Valentine's Day, I also hate the idea of misleading him or making myself even more frustrated.

In other news, I've had a few dates, but no front runners yet.  I've had a couple of creepers, so they had to go.  Here's an example:

Text from a guy I haven't even been on a date with: "I think I'm near your neighborhood.  I'm going to find your house."
An hour later: "I can't find it.  Give me a hint."
BJ: "Oh because you're not acting like a stalker at all, right?"
That was that.

I do have one person I'd be interested in getting serious with, but he lives back in Texas.  We are friends.  We haven't even dated.  But he's a wonderful person, and I value his friendship already.

Jacob and I were enjoying absinthe and porn one night, and he said to me, "When can we talk about my relationship?"

My initial response was to tell him again that his relationship hurts me.  It does me damage because I've seen her as someone who wanted to do me damage.  From where I sit, she manipulated her way into my life, then stole it from me.  He let her, and it hurts.  Anyone else, and we could talk about it, I said.

He insists that it's not that way, though.  That it wasn't that way.  Whether it's spin or not, it's how he perceives it.  And I'm trying to be his friend, his best friend.  I want him to be able to be open with me.  I thought about that.  A lot.  So, I'm trying - really trying - to see things as he does and find a way to be okay with her.

We had an emotional conversation about it.  I told him I might relapse, but that I am really trying to not see her as someone who wants to hurt me.  And I'm trying to not feel that I'm being replaced in every aspect of the life we had together.  It's taking some mental gymnastics, to be true, but I'm trying.  It's a daily battle, still.

As part of that conversation, I told him that I wanted to make it clear that my viewpoint has nothing to do with jealousy or wanting to go back to what we had.  After all, I had my doubts and frustrations, too, some of which I vented about to you, dear Diary.

So, I said to him in all honesty, I would not go back to how we were.

In the last few months, I think we've learned a lot about what we did wrong.  In any future relationship (not meaning just with him), I'd change the way we communicate, in particular.  We needed to be much more open and expressive and less hesitant.  We did too much second-guessing of ourselves and neglected to say things and talk about topics we should have.  We needed to build a safer environment for that, without repercussions for saying the wrong thing.  And we needed more dimensions to our intimacy, of the emotional and physical type.

What do I want, then?

A love who will…
love
value
respect
desire
want
need
hold
keep
soothe
comfort
follow
lead
work beside
defend
laugh with
listen to
adore
uplift
encourage
support
…me.

And I will do the same for him.

I pray on this each morning and each night.  But I keep getting knocked back down to the floor.  I wonder lately if God hates me…or maybe has already abandoned me.  I pray for my trust and faith to be meaningful, but I'm constantly wondering why it isn't…

…but that's another post.

I'm an idiot….

I've been wondering why I had zero page views.

It helps to make your blog accessible to others.  I had it set to private.  Oops….

Perhaps it will get some views now :o)

Onward into the abyss

The abyss of the unsure future, that is.  I'm at an age where I feel my mortality, the counting down of the days I have on this earth.  It makes me concerned how many of those days will be wasted on loneliness, on having no one to share my life with - or no one who really appreciates and respects me.  I pray daily for someone to come into my life who I can respect, desire, appreciate, cherish, trust, be proud of, care for in all the best ways…and who feels the same about me.  To have and to hold.  Who can promise he won't make me feel the knife in my back ever again, and can back it up with a lasting commitment to making sure we are safe and secure in each other.

Jacob and I had a particularly good day, about a week ago.  We went shopping together, and it was great fun.  He's been feeling his femininity lately, and I do enjoy being able to support that for him.  I'd missed shopping together like that.

Then there's the dating world.  A day or so after The Split, I got one of my regular calls from Bear.  This time, when the inevitable question came, I had a different answer.

"Are you available?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

Pause.  "Are you putting me on?"

"No, I'm available," I said.

He started to cry.  He'd been praying for five years for that answer, and he'd finally gotten it.  He is working 9,000 miles away in Saudi Arabia, but he promised to begin "courting" me in earnest.  And thus, he did.

We arranged times to talk via Skype, generally twice a day.  We'd be at opposite ends of our day, but would catch up on our respective days or nights then.  On weekends, we could talk more.  Sometimes for hours.

He'd say sweet things, but I'd have to rein him in sometimes.  For instance, asking what I thought our wedding would be like was pushing me a little too hard, too fast.  He'd been thinking about this for five years, and I'd been on the wagon for about five minutes.

He made plans to come see me over his Christmas vacation in the states.  He's spend Christmas with his family, then come out to see me for New Year's.  I had a New Year's date :o)

Then, little red flags started coming up.

For example, one night, I explained why I don't go to church.  I won't go into that here, just yet.  I couple of days later, he said he saw that as something he could "fix."  I stopped him there: I don't need to be fixed.  I've made the decisions I have for a reason, and I don't need someone else to push me into what they think I should be doing.

Another time, I mentioned wearing my pink jeans.  "I'm not being seen with you in public in pink jeans," he said.

"Then you can stay the fuck home," I said.

He started emailing me offensive, sexist jokes.  He's actually say in the email that he knew I'd be upset by it.  I asked him why he'd send me something he knew would upset me, and his response was to get mad at me for being "sharp tongued."

Anyone who knows me, also knows that I love Doctor Who.  One day, he asked me, "What kind of doctor is he?  A people doctor?  An animal doctor?"

I chuckled a little and decided it would be fun to introduce him to the Doctor.  I said, "No, he's a time-traveling alien.  It's a long-running show, since 1962.  Each time they get a new actor for the Doctor, he 'regenerates' into someone new."

I knew this would invite a multitude of questions, but I wasn't quite prepared for the one he threw at me.  "Have they ever made him gay?" he asked.  "Because they like to push things like that, you know."

I was a little speechless.  WTF?

As I said, Jacob and I have remained friends.  The didn't sit well with Bear.  He told me one day that when I spend time with Jacob, it made him want to "put a fist through the wall."  He said I wasn't to spend time with him anymore.  When I said he didn't get to tell me that, he said it would be okay, if I was never alone with him.

No, you don't get to tell me what to do.  Controlling me is not an option.

All the while, he tells me that he loves me more than anything, every day.  I've heard that before, so I wait to see how it's backed up….

One day, he sends me money.  Wired it to me via Western Union.  It was money I needed to get my daughter home for Christmas, so it really was quite touching.  "It's a gift from me," he said.  "We need never speak of it again because I don't want anything in return.  No matter what happens, that was a gift to you."  He wouldn't let me refuse it.  Either I picked it up or it went to waste.  I can't stand letting anything go to waste, particularly money.  It was a mistake to take it, I'm sure, but I really needed to get my daughter home, too.  My need to see her won out.

My mistake was immediately evident.  His demeanor with me changed.  His conversations took on a crude tone.  He started talking about what "The Girls" would like from him - referring to my breasts as though they were a separate entity from me.

I'm sorry, but if you want to be intimate with me, I'm a whole package. My worth is not in my chest.

Then other phrases cropped up, like "I want to eat at the Y."  I thought he was being sweet once when he talked about how he'd make breakfast for me, until he said, "Yeah, I have a special breakfast sausage for you."

What a sweet talker, right?  Like the boys' locker room in a middle school.

One day, I was worrying over a situation with my son.  I was really pretty upset.  I told him all about it and his response was to tell me he wanted to hear me masturbate on the phone for him.  Instead, I stopped the conversation.

He later apologized for his adolescent behavior, but I was done.  DONE.

The next time he started in about "The Girls," I asked if he could please not talk about sex every time we talked.  It wasn't appropriate, and there was much more to me than that.  I'd been thinking about what to say, and I said it kindly.  I was hoping to get through to him and make a change.

He got quiet.  He said he wasn't feeling so great anymore, so he'd call me later.  Apparently, standing up for myself wasn't a response he expected.

Or respected.  I didn't hear from him for three days.  Then, I get an email.  He tells me that I must have responded to him like that because I'm not over Jacob.  He said I was sharp-tongued to tell him to back off about The Girls.  And he said a couple of other things that I really couldn't make sense of - literally, an indecipherable string of words.  Very weird.

With that, he walked away.  Good riddance, actually.  If standing up for myself is not permitted, then away with you.  You have to be able to handle me as an individual.  I'm not to be trifled with.

So, that was weeks ago.  I've deleted everything associated with him.  Then New Year's Day….

I receive an email from him.  The only content was a picture - of him in front of a local restaurant.  HERE.  In my home town.

Creepazoid.

I responded, "Why did you send me this?"

He replied, "For the record….I showed up. On the road to Denver now."

Me: "Showed up for what?  This is really creepy."

Bear:  "Sorry I sent it now. Message received. Email eradiated. On the road again."

Eradiated?? Is that even a word?

I can't begin to express how glad I am that he works 9,000 miles away.

And She's Back...

…because Blogget has joined the singleton world again.

That's right, dear Diary.  Blogget and Jacob are no more.  What happened?  in a very painful nutshell, here goes:

It was close to the end of September.  I was still adjusting to my daughter being gone from home for less than two weeks.  I came home that night, like any other night, and he said he thought we were better off as friends.  I asked if there was someone else, and he said he'd met someone but it had nothing to do with this.

Note: Recent posts on his Tumblr have made it more clear that a relationship was cultivated behind my back.  The intimacies began very shortly after we became "just friends."

Other posts on Tumblr have showed a distinct pattern: he says the same words to her that he said to me.  He's following the same sequence of events with her that he did with me.  And I mean, exactly the same.  This makes me wonder if, after three years, maybe I just wasn't so shiny and new anymore.  He wanted the excitement of shiny and new again.  And found a woman who threw the Woman Code to the wind and expressed open interest in what another woman held dear.

Also, you can probably imagine how special that makes me feel - or not so much.  I've always taken a bit of pride in being a unique individual, so all of that is a good blow to my self-image.  I don't feel so special, at the moment, but that also means she's not so special, either.

The thing is, he knew I'd see those posts.  How did he think I'd feel?

I've made it clear that I want nothing to do with her.  He thinks I've "drawn a line in the sand," but I don't think he's considered this:  how could I ever be comfortable with the woman he betrayed me with??  If he wanted to be with someone I would accept, then he should have picked someone - anyone -  else with whom to duplicate our relationship.

He says he really wants us to be friends, and I'm really trying to build that relationship.  He says I'm just about his best friend.  I have to say that he has made me a priority a few times.  However, I'm hoping that will hold, as his interest in connecting with me seems to be diminishing.  Maybe.  I can't tell.  He says he loves me and always will, but doesn't ask how my day has been.  He'll call when he has time to kill and text about some things he sees, but isn't the first one to say, "Let's have dinner."  I should count my blessings, I suppose.

We do have a standing Sushi Saturday every week, and we're supposed to have an Absinthe & Porn night soon, and I'm just hoping all of that remains as meaningful as it has been.

Why?  Because he's the only person who "gets" me, as I tend to be rather complicated.  And the idea of having NO ONE in my life who gets me is even more painful than what's happened.

That said, I do have a confession to make.  A weekend of drinking and horniness about six weeks ago. I don't believe that drink causes anyone to do something that wasn't already in them.  So we drank, and we had a lot of sex.  He posted something on Tumblr that said, "How about a weekend between my legs?" and asked if I liked it. She probably thought it was for her.

We even talked about having a "friends with benefits" relationship, but nothing big has come of it.  The thing is that we still love each other.  It's morphed into something else, but we do.  He said it one day, too, and was afraid he'd made things awkward with me.  Honestly, it's a little reassurance that maybe our relationship still means something to him.

He was surprised, I think, that I immediately decided I couldn't live next door to him anymore.  It took me about six weeks to get into a new place.  It's almost twice the square footage, same rent.  It's cozy and cute, for my dog and me.  The silence is beyond heavy, though.  I told Jacob that one day, and he promised to make my phone "make noise."  He hasn't, though, and the evenings get very quiet.

So, I've cried a lot.  I've railed at God a lot.  I've gotten back to praying, but sometimes I still rail.  I have a lot of questions for God, and he seems short on answers for me.  I'm not sure he likes me very much, but that's another story.

I have more stories to tell already.  I hate dating, but here I am.  When I got divorced 15 years ago, my mother said I was so brave to face the possibility of being alone forever.  That seemed unfathomable.  And now…it could be real.

I can't express how much I hate this.  Writing this much about it has been hard, so I'll stop here and save the other stories for later.

Warning: several WTF moments are coming!  The dating world never fails to deliver - because people are crazy. Or stupid.  Or both.