Monday, February 18, 2008

I've been thinking again

And sometimes that's not a good thing. Over the weekend, I spent a good bit of time thinking about why things bug me so much. It used to be that thinking I might fall in love with someone was a delightful feeling. It was even fun. Now, it's not. When did that happen? It's full of pain and doubt and downright torment. I don't think I like that.

So, how did this happen to me?

I think it started with my first boyfriend after my divorce. He had a friend coming to visit. This visit was planned before he and I met. She knew about me and had no romantic designs on him. I had a bad feeling about this, but was reassured by both of them that they were gamer pals and nothing else. She was coming to participate with his roleplay group.

(Yes, I dated a roleplay gamer geek. He even wanted to marry me. He had no job, one leg, and thought I was brilliant. Obviously, the problems with this picture became apparent....)

The point is, I ignored my bad feeling. The first day she was there, he came to me, almost in tears. "I did something stupid," he said. No, he didn't actually have sex with her. She stopped him, and said, "But what about Blogget?" Did you catch that? SHE stopped him.

The relationship deteriorated from there. And I learned that if I suspected something was going on, it always was.

The next serious boyfriend - known in past posts as Old BF - only reinforced that. The problem was that he loved me (and still does) in many ways that I craved. He thought the world of me and said so. He liked to say and do special things for me. But his eye wandered and he lied. Just when things would smooth out, I'd find a nasty surprise. He actually cheated (meaning, he had sex with her) one time. The other times, I caught him on the way to cheating. One stupidass woman left voicemails for him on my phone number (she got it as his contact number at their office). Another time, I found his listing on Last year, we were in Dallas TOGETHER and he got a call from a girl he knew in high school (he's from Dallas). He said it was out of the blue. I found the emails that proved he contacted her first.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention he lies in the face of hard evidence. Will swear to it on a stack of Bibles. Beautiful.

On those last two, I'd suspected something so I broke into his email. His passwords are predictable. I know that makes me look like a paranoid, intruding, beotch....and I would be, if I weren't RIGHT every stinkin' time, and if he was smart enough to change his passwords. But I am, and he's not.

This last time, I found out a woman he works with was hanging out at his apartment all the time. This is while he was supposedly making plans to move to Colorado. Something inside me just broke. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. The feelings of not being able to trust, of wondering what you don't know, of betrayal, of the person you love enjoying the company of someone else....and most of all, of just not being good enough. I just broke.

In the last few months, my dear diary, you've seen the residual effects of all of this. I'm always sure there's something hidden going on. I'm never sure of my perspective. I'm looking for evidence everywhere. Feeling affection for someone is painful. Why?

I figured it out. It's because I'm assuming I'm not enough. I'm not good enough to be someone's one-and-only. I can't hold a man's attention in the long term. He will wander. He will not think of me and miss me. He will not want me, and only me. Time with me, life with me, is nothing desirable on a day-to-day basis. I assume things will not work out, and that my daydreams are nothing more than the air they float on.

So, when I have a daydream, it's bittersweet. Let's say, I'm in the kitchen, making toast. As I wait, I imagine a particular guy being there, wrapping arms around my waist, a sweet kiss, enjoying the morning together. The simple moments that I crave in my life. It makes me smile, then the ghosts creep in. That's not for you. It just doesn't work out for you. Your heart is meant to be broken. You don't get the pretty story with the happy ending. And my heart hurts again.

I really resent that this back-talk is in my head. These guys in my life don't know about it, even though it's not even fair to them, either. I keep having moments that pop-up from my subconscious, that seem to be evidence that Greg has other things (i.e., women) going on. Not that we're exclusive or even close to that...but this is happening in my brain.

Example: That last afternoon I was in the restaurant, I could only be there a certain amount of time. I few minutes ago, this moved to the forefront of my brain, with the caption "It's because he had another woman coming in." I felt sad at the realization. Then reason stepped forward. "Now, now...take another look. Didn't he do what he could to delay your ticket being started, to squeeze out some extra time on the clock? Didn't he encourage you to order dessert, even though he had no intention of putting it on the ticket? He tried to keep you there longer, and stretched it to his boss's limit. Come now. Think."

I hate the second-guessing. I hate that I just feel in to pit of my gut that it'll never be more than ethereal daydreams. But I'm mostly tired of the constant ache, instead of the joy. I'm just not sure how to get rid of it.


Anonymous said...

I have said it before and I will say it again: You are good enough, you are smart enough, and gosh darnit, we all LOVE you!

That being said, the problem with living life and getting older is that in doing so we open ourselves to new people and new experiences - and all of the joy and sorrow that come with them. I think it was an old, now-dead Brit who said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" (oh yes, I am too lazy to Google right now.) There are times I think this is a load, but when I really think about it, I am thankful for all of the missteps that I have taken, as well as for those who have taken advantage of me - they may have left me a bit broken and a bit jaded, but they also left me smarter and wiser, and more aware of how deserving I am of good things . . . just like you!

(And you know I don't feel good - I don't have the time or the energy to blow smoke up your rear - I mean it all!)

Smitty76 said...

Oh honey, men who cheat SUCK...but don't judge ALL men by the ones who have wronged you in the past. Not all men are going to have someone "on the side". ANd I'm speaking from experience! I had two that did the whole cheatin' thing and first nad foremost that I haVe learned...ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. People just don't give their instinct enough credit. In both instances I did not, and I shoudl have.

But enough of that, basically what I wanted to say is that the right guy will come along and give you that lovely daydream...with NO negative back-talk from your subconcious. You just have to have hope. :-)

jennwa said...

I just stopped by, but reading your post made me sad. Not all men cheat. Just hang in there and I hope you find a man who loves you and cherishes you.

Blogget Jones said...

Driving -- you're too sweet! Especially knowing how you're feeling right now! Yes, I agree that it's those experiences that mold us. I just don't like the doubt and suspicion I have now.... Will I ever NOT look for something going wrong? I don't know. I think I need to be UNtaught all the crap. Thanks for listening, again!

Smitty -- glad you stopped by :o) I think if I quit hoping, I'd be in big trouble, although sometimes it's just a thread of hope. My gut is a little overactive, I think, because I'm expecting the crap to happen again. I have to be careful not to turn little things into a "What does it mean?" game, with new guys. Thanks for your words of advice!!

Jennwa -- I'm so glad you're here! Thanks! I didn't mean to make you sad, though! Come again. Sometimes my life is completely ridiculous. :o)

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I wish I could give you some tips on how to get rid of it, but I face the same thing almost daily :/ Damn those men who made it so in the first place.

Blogget Jones said...

Momma -- Amen. I'm hoping that time will help erode these doubts of mine, as I have better experiences. Until then, it still aches.... I'm sorry you face it, too!

Pixie said...

whoa, girl you have a serious case of self fulfilling prophecy. You believe you're shit,and guess what? you get treated like it.
I know, I've being doing it for years!
But since I got ill I've stopped, as it was a wake up call. Now I don't for one minute recomend cancer to sort you out! But I do say look hard at your feelings of self worth, and ask why you don't deserve a good bloke.
Cause you are as worthy as everyone else and it is only your ability to deny that that stops you believing in yourself.
I could go on and on, but you don't need therapy according to me in your comments box!

Blogget Jones said...

I have to admit, Pix, that when the suspicious voices come up about Greg, there's one with them that's saying, "Of COURSE this would happen -- you can't hold a good guy's attention."

It is a waste of time, and I do try to stop it. I just struggle with it a lot.... In many cases, it's caused me to hold back and miss out. I'm trying hard to not hold back this time....we'll see how it goes.

Thanks, Pix :o) I do appreciate your words of wisdom!